democracy

i've been inspired and am working on a freaking mini-thesis to post on this blog. not sure how long it will be though, but hopefully it will be worth the wait. i'll give you a hint, it has to do with Jesus.

Here's a quote to tide you over until I am ready:

i fear being on my deathbed, having missed out on my whole life because i was always living in the future. -alanis morisette

Please note that any comments mocking Alanis will be promptly deleted. I believe in free speech, but come on - there's got to be limits.

i'm just joking.
bre

a bit embarassing

(context: this was written on the 19th, BEFORE the MSC retreat this last weekend).

Lots of you probably know that my job has been stressing me out quite a bit lately. Too many things to do, and definitely not enough time or resources. It seems that I don’t have time for breaks, and that I am spinning my wheels lots. So many things to do, and I can’t do them all. It really got me down and stressed me out quite a bit.

Until yesterday.

I have a great boss. One who trusts me, is willing to talk about anything, and who is a pillar of integrity in a very peaceful way. We have been conversing a bit lately about how I have been feeling. On Thursday I told him that things were stressing me out. That there is normally over 400 unread emails in my inbox, that I run around all day trying to take care of Urgent things, that I can’t get to important larger tasks that are on my plate. Everyday I work hard, do my best, but it always feels like I am failing – failing myself, failing the College, and failing my boss. It sucks. And it’s no fun anymore.

So we talked for a bit. He asked me if anybody was complaining – faculty, other staff, students. I thought about it and I said no. He certainly wasn’t complaining about my work. He asked me who was putting pressure on me to do so much. I thought about it and had to say, “nobody. Only myself.” And his answer is, “It sounds like you need to have a conversation with yourself about this. You’re the only one who thinks you’re doing poorly.”

He is a very wise man.

Since that meeting I have been thinking and pondering about this. He’s right. The only one determined to take on my huge workload is myself. There are so many things that are important that need to be done, that nobody else would do it, I think I got into martyr syndrome. Taking one for the College. Making things better, doing things right. But it is impossible. For some reason I have been viewing all of these things as “must do’s,” and I have been driving myself crazy. When I realize that nobody really has demanded that all of my projects even get started, that I have initiated most of these jobs, I feel a bit silly.

I am haunted by feelings and fears of failure. Everyday I think I fail at something, and it feels very bad. How much of it is self-inflicted? It is very startling to realize that you are the reason for your own unhappiness. I can think of two people who are saying, “I’ve been telling her that for years,” but I don’t think I ever really got it. Now it’s sort of funny, in a sad sort of way. I do believe I have problems.

So this is my conversation to myself. Self, freaking relax. Take time for fun, and refreshment. Don’t be so damned dramatic all of the time. Be realistic in what you can do. Your worth is not governed by how many tasks you complete. That’s a hard thing. I have thrown my heart and life into things where, in the end, I wasn’t really wanted. That’s hard, and it’s hard to get over that sense of worthlessness and failure to the core. So. Let’s work on that, shall we? Self?



On another note, there was a total of 10 people at the Wal-Town Party. I had a GREAT time. Thanks to all who came!
Bre

i am far too distracted to write today, so here is a quote that is real to me

I fear the hell that i experience when i forget who i really am. -
alanis morisette


Oh, yes. And the outing tonight. There will be a good group of people (both in quality AND quantity). Yay! If anybody is interested, I will be eating supper beforehand at The Line-Up. They have a "dinner and a movie" deal with the Cinematheque, so that's cool. I'll be there at 5:45ish, if other people are hungry they are more than welcome to hang out. otherwise i'll hang out with oprah, who is also cool and i won't feel at all sad or lonely.

movie starts at 7pm.

bre

thought of the day . . . and invite

'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.'
Do I fear being poor, in spirit or otherwise, and prefer to be rich in
brains, money, or influence? Is my desire for poverty of spirit
congruent with my lifestyle? Do I use the word of God to rationalize my
lifestyle, or am I willing to have God's word criticize it? Do I cling
to my own ideas, opinions, and judgments sometimes to the point of
idolatry?
- Doris Donnelly


not related (well, it could be. Yes, actually it is related) - I am going to the Cinematheque on Monday evening (cheap night - $4!) to see the movie Wal-Town. Info is to your right. Wanna come? Open invite to all. Perhaps a coffee or a beer at The Line Up afterwards to discuss? i can drive people home afterwards if needed.

I can't promise it will be a good movie, as I haven't seen it. But I can promise to look attractive and I'll try to sound really smart. Really, that's the least that I can do for my friends.

1998. What a good year.

Man, I’m such a loser. But nothing else gets me going like Skillet’s 1998 album entitled, “Hey, You, I Love Your Soul.” (Really, what kind of an album name is that?) But their worshipful lyrics, simple yet soulful style, get me everytime. I brought the CD to work today and was cranking it (as much as I can) in my office. And I couldn’t help but sing softly to the words, and praise God through that. That was cool, though I closed my door and tried very hard to be unhearable to the general public. Not because I am ashamed of the words or the action of worship, but because I am not musical and can’t really sing.

It’s funny how people protest when I claim I am not musical. This statement surprises them probably just as much as their surprise surprises me. “But you play drum,” they say. Sort of. I have no musical background. I know that A’s, B’s, and C’s have some sort of relevance beyond the Sesame Street spelling type, but I honestly don’t know the difference. I know there is such a thing as keys, but I can’t tell the difference between them. I recently learned what a “false crescendo” is, although I don’t think I can spell it right. Really, when you get right down to it, I hit things. I hit my drum. If that is not available, I hit my chair, or my thighs. (no, I don’t hit babies. Only Chuck Norris does that). I hit things. Sometimes I hit them in a way which is meaningful to me as an offering to Christ. Sometimes I get carried away in this. Sometimes others are blessed through this, which blows me away but is pretty exciting, really.

So there you go. Skillet’s still cool, 9 years later. Worship is such a large sometimes intangible thing, but there are moments where I can grasp ahold of a little part of it, in my office, with my drum, sometimes with other people. That’s cool. Just some thoughts.

Hold me down ‘cause I want to know you
You bring calm to my rage
You are life and I’m thirsting for you
Hold me, hold me, locked in a cage
I love to be caught by you
I wanna be trapped in your arms
Your cage is rest to my bones
Your cage is peace to my soul
Wrapped up inside your arms
Locked up inside you
- Locked in a Cage, Skillet

change the world . . . naked

life has gotten so cool that you can change the world through the comfort of your home, dressed in any way you want, with just a few finger strokes.

Check out (and sign, if you feel so moved) this online Action.

Tell Starbucks to Give Ethiopian Farmers Their Fair Share

par-tay

all of you humans who missed out on the Star Trek party missed a good time. A whopping 3 people showed up. (One of them was 11 months old, but she still counts). I took a picture so you could bemoan your absence:



apologies to Dave who was pasted quite badly, and also looks like he is being wripped apart by a Horta.

Zac was unfortunatly not able to come, but was there in spirit, hence his spiritual presence in the upper corner. We missed you, buddy.

Sucks to be everybody else who's not in the picture.
Bre

star trek marathon

happening tomorrow (sunday) at a revised time - 2 pm to 10 pm. this allows me some family time in the morning. dave and janie are coming - you know you have true friends when they watch crappy 90's sci fi episodes with you in your dungeon apartment. thanks, friends. anybody else want to come, you are welcome!

not about christmas

apologies to my readership - i was not able to post over christmas due to a crippling lack of internet access.

some news. Due to some very lucky pharoahs, I now own the complete Star Trek The Next Generation series on DVD. Call me a geek, but this pleases me.

I am declaring a ST TNG marathon - the best episode of each season played on the hour from 12-7 pm at my house. perhaps sunday the 7th? i know i will probably be alone in my marathon-ness, but any closet geeks are invited. feel free to come in disguise so that nobody recognizes you. Don't worry, its east kildonan, so no respectable people will be around to see your secret shame.

i'm serious. i think i'm doing it. Wear your uniform and bring your bat'leh. Gagh will be served, don't worry.



Oh, yeah. Action of the week: Save The Court Challenges Program of Canada. The Conservative Government has decided to cancel this national program. Want to do something about it? Click the link above.

Later, friends.
Bre

perhaps a bit too honest

“I think our difficulty in accessing happiness lies in large part right there: We are usually preoccupied with being useful – doing something with an outcome in mind, rather than being open to where we are at this moment . . . happiness, not to mention joy, can help us forget ourselves altogether, at least for a time. It can take us into the wide world beyond our own self-preoccupations. It can join us to the trees, to other people, to cows and to stones and to the living pulse of humankind itself. It can join us to the china mug of tea in our own right hand. Strange, then, that it should seem so fleeting and difficult to grasp.
Happiness is our natural state. It is the feeling tone of who we are when we are most at home in ourselves. It means there is nothing to add to what we already have, or to who we already are.
Let us . . . remember . . . that some great music is playing, even now, in the midst of it all, and the happiness inside us is part of the melody.” (Roger Housden, "Taking a Chance on Joy," Oprah December 2006, 277-278)


Yes, its from the Oprah magazine. Big surprise.

Happiness has always been a struggle for me. Not in attaining it persay, but in my struggle with how to approach it. Is it something to be desired? To be pursued? To be cherished? Does happiness provide any sort of meaning? Is it in essence merely a reprieve from suckier parts or moments of life?

Basically, is it something that I should want, or merely something I should be grateful for if it happens?

I’m not quite sure that I agree with the author when he states that “Happiness is our natural state.” I think that he assumes that if we take those little moments, those moments looking at trees or simply enjoying a hot cup of tea under a blanket on a cold day without anywhere else to be, that if we just stop focusing on all of the busyness and tyranny of life, then happiness will creep in and envelop us. I very much understand the value of appreciating life as it is right now, and I am very much a fan of pursuing simplicity in forms such as this. But life is a painful beast. And there are moments when I am very much enjoying my tea under a fuzzy polar bear blanket and I very much appreciate that moment, yet I am not at all happy. It is often those moments where everything is quiet, where I am content physically and am thankful for that very moment which my mind and heart laments passionately and painfully for the existence of mine and the world’s sinfulness, for the very existence of death, for the frustrating mysteriousness of God, for lost dreams, for broken relationships . . .

Should it frighten me that the “feeling tone of who (I am) when (I am) most at home in (myself)” is one, at least lately, of overwhelming sadness? Should I embrace that? Should I fight that? Should I struggle through that? Is this merely a phase . . . a temporary part of the journey . . . or a permanent fixation?

Is this me? Or not?

Am I too pessimistic? Too busy in my head? Am I getting life wrong? Am I getting myself wrong? Should I just learn to freaking relax?

Happiness would be great. But I don’t think that’s in store for me today. And honestly, sometimes I am ok with that. Sometimes.

Was Julian of Norwich happy? Hmm.

selfish day...but it felt so good

I frickin’ watched 4 movies yesterday – with 4 different sets of people. That’s what I did. And I slept. Lots. I slept so much I thought I was Jack Van Impe. Wait, I think I mean Rip Van Winkle.

So here’s a helpful hint; whenever somebody tries to convince you that genetically modified foods are the answer to ending global hunger, tell them this: Hunger is Due to Injustice, Not Lack of food.

are you supposed to peel turnips?

I’m such a loser


I cried twice already today, and it is only 8:30 am. First I cried when my bus came and the driver was dressed like Santa Claus and there were Christmas carols and he was so happy. That made me smile lots. But then I watched when at every bus stop people would get on, and then their faces would brighten so fast and there was such a feeling of commonality and goodness on their faces. There was something special and significant there, and it is all thanks to the bus driver who doesn’t have enough personal shame not to dress up like a badly dressed old fat man. I have lately begun to appreciate Christmas in ways which I haven’t before. Though not all in North America profess Christ, or may even understand what Christmas is all about, there is still something there holding people together. Something special about this time of year which everybody understands, even if it is just fleeting or very subtle. Something is there which brings strangers together in a very small way. And that is cool. And it made me teary.

Then I cried again when Quincy gave his life to save Madame Mina from the evil vampires. It was very touching.

Yesterday was the first time that I remember ever eating a turnip. I’m not even sure if I made it right. Are you supposed to peel turnips? It seemed like a good thing to do, so I did it. I made Stock with it. But now I have a half of a turnip left, but don’t quite know how to cook it. Any help? Janie? Martha? Luke? John? I claim ignorance in turnip-ness. Perhaps its not even a turnip at all, but was something which seemed to me might be a turnip at the time. There was a bin of 4 things, and one of the labels above was turnips so I took my best guess. Don’t mock me for my ignorance – it’s not my fault that my mother deprived me of turnips as a child.

Anyway. Happy Christmastime, all. That’s all for now.

Oh, yeah. Wait. I met with Jenny Gerbasi this week at Hy’s Steak House. SWANKY! It was fun, and I learned lots and also got 2 free tickets to a Hillbilly Burlesque show, dessert, and a picture for my wall (not of Jenny, of Portage avenue, though I think I can tape a picture of her in front of the MTS centre. We’ll see). It was great, and very eye-opening. Sometimes I think my calling is in politics, sometimes I think my calling is more pastoral, other times I think and wish I was called to more of an unemployed and hippie-ish type life where I eat the roots out of my backyard and spend all day trying to make a non-animal harming djembe out of berries and moose snot. Sigh. Where will the future lead? Who the heck knows?

Is Water A Human Right?

In 2002, Canada was the only nation to vote against accepting water as a human right at the United Nations Commission on Human Rights. Canada has not since changed it stance on water in International affairs. This stance also affects Canada’s domestic water policies, as the inquiry into the Walkerton water situation discovered that Canadians are not guaranteed the right to water anywhere in Canadian legislation.

Why are the implications of proclaiming water as a human right?

1) If water is declared a human right, than privatization of water is limited or abolished altogether. This means that Internationally vendors and governments can no longer deny their customers and citizens access to water because they are not able to pay for it. This means less profits for governments and multinational corporations. People die and suffer everyday because they are denied access to water which is readily available, though they cannot afford it.

2) If water is declared a human right, governments will be forced and obligated to provide all of its citizens with healthy, potable water. Again I reference the situation in Walkerton. Likewise, there are a number of Canadian reserves which face issues of access to safe drinking water. If water is declared a human right domestically, the federal government would have to address these issues and be responsible for providing potable water to all communities.

3) If water is declared a human right, governments will be forced to mandate more strict environmental controls into place to protect this human right.

I have provided some resources which I encourage you to take some time and look at. I have also added a voice defending water privatization for some balance. If you feel so moved to contact the government to speak out against this situation, click here.


The Council of Canadians


Blue Planet Project

World Health Organization

CBC News In-Depth

Pro-Water Privatization

THE UNTAPPED POTENTIAL OF WATER PRIVATIZATION - a report paid for by American Water Works Inc.

thank you all . . .

. . . for thinking that i am cooler than I actually am.


Most of you thought that I chose Ace Burpee. Nay, you have too much faith in my coolness. I chose councillor Jenny Gerbasi. She is actually one of my local heros - she does great things to fight poverty and to fight for equality of everybody. So I will have lunch and bask in the wonder that is her for an hour. I am really looking forward to learning as much as I can from her.

Does anybody know that I am still considering politics as a career? Does anybody else know that Ace Burpee and I went to the same high school, knows my brother, and that I know his real name? I am afraid of being sued, so I won't tell you what it is.

More questions: Who the heck thought I would hang out with the Manitoba Hydro Guy? And who is it who still thought, and probably continues to think, that I didn't win this stellar prize? It is true. I will give you an update after it actually happens. I don't want to be a geek or anything and stalk her or whatever, but I would really like to have a picture taken of this momentous event. Would somebody be willing to hang out at the restaurant and take discreet pictures of us? You know, pretend you are taking a picture of the plant or the sexy lady at the table (me) but actually be taking a picture of me, Jenny Gerbasi, and the security guard who most likely accompanies her everywhere?

In other news. A bunch of wonderful sexy ladies chipped in around my birthday and gave me money to buy a drum. Thanks, girls! I have chosen one. Its very pretty. Unfortunatly nobody else is here to take my picture of me drumming on it, so i attempted to photoshop a pic of me playing a drum. It didn't work, as I don't have a picture of myself in that position. So then I tried to photoshop a picture of my head and hand onto it. It was creepy because I was a floating head and hand around this drum (my mom would like it, though). So then I tried to photoshop a body of a little person onto my head, but this particular little person was wearing all black so it didn't really turn out too well. So then I gave the person a yellow shirt. Yay!

Thanks, girls!







Oh, yeah. And check out this Adbusters article: Who Owns the Word Terror? It's interesting. Words are so powerful.

B

Super Random

So I won a lunch with a downtown celebrity. No, I am not joking. I had a choice of four individuals:

- Ace Burpee - Hot 103 DJ

- R.B. Brennen - CEO of Manitoba Hydro

- Scott Arniel - head coach of Manitoba Moose

- Jenny Gerbasi - City Councillor

I thought it would be great fun if you guys tell me who you thought I chose. Follow this link to vote (feel free to leave your name in the comment section . . . or not)

Survey

The "Truth" will be revealed on Wednesday! Have fun!

Keamoo Reeves

Check it out. Fight the good fight, all!

The Meatrix

surgeon general's warning

Do NOT go see Fast Food Nation. It can be hazardous to your health. One of, if not the WORST movies I have EVER seen. bad writing, bad acting, even set lighting which does not fit the tone of the movie. I have never seen this much unnecessary drama since the Backstreet Boys came to Winnipeg (that one's for you, Kara). I would rather watch 18 hours straight of full house, sticking a needle into my eye everytime Michelle says "You got it dude" than have unsuspecting friends throw away their money and time on this movie.
Anyway, enough of that rant.

A few weeks ago me, Mom, Candy, and Lisa went down to the states for some serious female bonding. Enjoy the pics:

essence

Last week I watched the film "Everything is Illuminated" with a very small group of people. The first half of the movie was honestly one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. I laughed so hard, I even did my famous cackle. It was "premium."
The second half was significantly more intense, emotional, and sad. It was deep. Sometimes too deep for me or my boss or other people in the group who tried to understand what the heck happened at certain parts. But it was very good and very enjoyable and I would like other people to see it so that I could quote all of the funnyness like Napoleon Dynamite and so we could all laugh together. Sammy David Jr. Jr.?

Afterwards we had a discussion - the movie was about a young Jewish man who was trying to dig into his family history. Lots of stuff about the Nazis, and lots of painful memories of people. During the discussion an individual said, and I use these quotes loosely, "The essence of Christianity is believing, while the essence of Judaism is remembering." I believe he was quoting a rabbai friend of his, which hopefully gives this more credibility.

This made me ponder a lot and has made me feel very jealous towards Judaism. The essense of Christianity is believing - that is very true. But honestly, sometimes that sucks. Or that is a very frustrating and struggling thing for me. To have something so intangible, something that can at times be so plagued with doubt that you doubt its very credibility, that it is very hard sometimes to find meaning in believing something which you cannot see. There are often days, weeks, - sometimes significantly longer, which I try so hard to find something meaningful in this world in the lens of Christianity and of Christ, and I cannot. The purpose of pain and suffering in this world is one which plagues me because the point of it seems so "out there," so intangibly hard to grasp in light of our (and, most especially, friends and family's) mortality. I used to be able to see meaning in pain for the purpose of character building, soul building, but since J's death this has been hard and I have become cynical about this. It is hard to hold onto hope and hard to find value in something that seems so utterly unnecesary.

i think spelled that wrong.

I envy Judaism. To have an essence in remembering - to be able to point to that for meaning, to find value and, to a point, salvation, in remembering the past - that i can see is very significant. very poignant, and very powerful. Also very much more excitingly tangible. I personally can see very much significance, power, and meaningfulness in this essence.

anybody like heathen music?

I have an extra ticket for Powerball on Thursday (Theory of a Dead Man, 3 Days Grace, and some other groups I don't care about). Wanna come? Or know somebody who wants to come? (I can make friends, pretty easily. They won't even have to talk to me. Just buy me a corn dog and I'll be happy). Email me or post a comment if you don't have my email addy, or if you merely are a strange person who doesn't know me but wants to get in on this.
bre

ramblings . . . not even good ones

First of all, kudos to Dave for beating me to a posting on the Easy Answer Squirrel. Check out Wondercafe, and click on the squirrel on the lower right. Awesome. Also, if you are bold enough, check out the print ads (click on “Ad Campaign”). They are wonderfully disturbing.

Onto other things. Some weeks it is hard to find something to post on, but this week it is far too easy. I am quite stressed out and as such don’t think that I am physically able to put much feelings into words, at least not effectively. So I will choose one of the simplest thoughts I have had this week and try to be coherant – hopefully my thoughts on the rest will sustain until I actually have time to devote to writing about them.

During my weekly SCM group at the U of M, we were speaking about lots of issues – liberation theology, human rights, peace – the normal good stuff. We were also speaking about choices, that there are so many choices out there, so many choices, both good and bad, to make which help or harm people (or help or harm ourselves). Sometimes it is difficult to make a descent choice – even when the shades of good and back are pretty starkly black and white. Then one of the individuals said something along the lines of “We have already made our decision on what we are going to. We decided to follow Jesus. That’s it.” That was pretty cool. It is funny to think about how many things that I struggle with – how many things that I toy with what to do – when, if I am truthful to my testimony, I have already decided about long ago. It’s a funny, and even liberating way to think about life. Should I forgive this person? That’s not even a question. I decided years ago that I would follow Jesus. Following Jesus means living a life of forgiveness. I think the hardest questions in terms of this fall around issues which are a bit grey, especially those which mostly affects me and not anybody else. The biggest issues for me lately in this respect is, “should I keep pursuing this faith?” “should I keep striving to become closer to Christ?” “should I keep pursuing justice even though it seems so useless and it doesn’t seem to make any difference?” “should I do my best to follow Jesus today?” Yes. I made up my mind about these a long time ago. It’s silly to even come back to them – I gave that answer years ago, I made up my mind long ago. I will pursue Jesus. I will strive to become more like Him in my attitudes, spirit, and behaviors. Frick, that’s hard. But beautiful. And that’s cool.