Monday, June 21, 2010

i haven't rambled lately . . . so here you go


I pretty much live at the toronto airport

Have been there, or through there, 6 times within the past month, while gallivanting across Ontario


I am reminded today

I am reminded of God, her graciousness, her beauty, and most of all, God’s promises. Faith is a powerful thing, and everytime I willingly step into it fantastic things happen. You would think I would remember this lesson, but I seem to have to often re-remind myself of Christ’s promises and continuous gift of grace. Stepping out in faith is so damned frightening – this invisible yet sturdy safety net

I have been finding much meaning lately in remembering, and in sitting in that remembrance, of who God is and who I am in Christ.

I have been thinking a lot about identity. Mostly because I feel I don’t have one – feel somewhat lost in some wilderness of my own making. Same story with me as always, I guess (am I stuck? Am I manifesting?). I think I find my footing and then it disappears and I remember again not to rely on things of this world (is this an actual lesson, or my counterphobic 6 paranoia creeping out again? I can’t actually tell. I understand this may not be super healthy . . . ). Anyway that probably didn’t make any sense

I quit my job. It was a frightening thing to do, but necessary. I think I was supposed to do that a long time ago but couldn’t find the courage. So I stepped out, and opportunities have been coming out of the woodwork to me in really humbling ways.

So I have a new job! Interim Coordinator of UNPAC, which is a women’s equality organizations, mostly focused on economic issues in Manitoba. How cool is that?

And some other opportunities have been pouring in

It is nice to feel so wanted, so affirmed in the work I do and who I am. I haven’t searched out any of these, once people found out that I am free they have been contacting me left and right. Really good for my sense of self-esteem.

I feel like life is shifting again and starting over . . . starting fresh! Super excited about that. Everything starts in September – pursuing full-time school again while balancing really meaningful employment which will make me excited. SO GOOD!

So this summer, this july and august I won’t have much on my agenda to do. Might pick up a part-time job . . . but most of it will be focused on me. (selfish much?) really. This seems like such a spiritual opportunity to flush myself out, dig out my demons, remember who I am. I want to become comfortable with myself again, to look in the mirror and see myself the way my creator has made me to be. To stop being so damned self-deprecating and so pushed and pulled by external forces. I WANT TO BE A ROCK. Sexy, no? I am tired of being swayed back and forth, and of not remembering who I am and who god is.

So here’s to summer . . . it will involve a lot of journaling, a lot of writing, a lot of babies (not mine . . . but cute ones I am related to), a lot of my mother and a lot of soul-searching. I am so thankful to Christ for this opportunity for intense self-reflection and to resurrect, again, anew and fresh. To leave the past in the past, and to look towards a future of windy, scary, blessed, exciting roads!

I’ll let you know how it goes…