Monday, July 12, 2010

angst on a monday morning

so . . . day 12 of july. i am having feelings.

really conflicting ones - really hard to figure out. hard not to be frustrated and angry with myself for my seeming determination to always have such a damned complicated life.

really, everything is unfolding like a dream. my new job is fantastic, and allows me some time to chill and spend time alone and figure my stuff out this summer. i wouldn't want a better schedule. soon i will be leaving for a week to volunteer at a peace camp for youth, and in august mom and candy and i are taking a trip to moncton.

i guess i feel frustrated with myself because i always have this tendency to be so forward looking that i can never enjoy the moment that i am in. trying to be present is exhausting. i feel like i am always spending all of my attention trying to get somewhere else that i step on all of the roses which God is gifting to me today.

so this day seems so full of promise, but i know it will be somewhat full of angst. where do i find the balance between accepting and loving my neurosis and my drive to always move forward, to never be static, and finding contentment in today? how can i both love who i am and also try to learn about myself and be open to change? how can i both love who i am and who i will be at the same moment?

is this a stupid thing to feel angst about? anyway.

off to work! much love to y'all.

Monday, July 05, 2010

shakespeare and star trek

hello friends
i don't have very profound things to say today. except that i feel really happy. i guess that's profound enough?

july marks a new season of life - a time of preparation! for exciting stuff come september

i started my new job today at CCEDNET and it felt super comfortable. this working part-time thing is pretty glorious. i am typing on my new laptop - have been saving up for this for like 5 years. have been using my new ipod - the tools on it are way more useful than i thought, and i am super enjoying how streamlined it has made a lot of things in life. i am really shocked at how much i use it for practical purposes (i am not so shocked about how much i use it to play tiki totems, but am working on cutting down . . . ). i am looking forward to 2 months of really intense self-exploration and all of the anger, joy, release that brings. maybe my expectations are a bit high for 2 months, but i am determined to work pretty damn hard at this. i think i might need to buy a new journal soon...

september starts anew with classes and my job at UNPAC - filled with lots of new challenges and lots of exciting people. i am looking forward to everything. this is a very new feeling for me! i want september to be a rebirth in all ways spiritual. i am working very hard to reach that goal!

here's to the undiscovered country . . . i'll keep you all updated!