Tuesday, November 29, 2011


For women, the need and desire to nurture each other is not pathological, but redemptive, and it is within that knowledge that our real power is rediscovered.  It is this real connection which is so feared by a patriarchal world.  Only within a patriarchal structure is maternity the only social power open to women. - Audre Lorde

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Day 1: I am the 9%

Day 1: Resisting my privilege of wealth. Bre, the pseudo-solidarity hero, abjectly fails.

Click here to read the Geez Whiz blog post.


this week i am running a little blogging experiment for Geez magazine.

it might be a little bit silly . . .

The link for the first post is here.


Tuesday, November 15, 2011

hello adolescence. again.


Well, that last post was . . . dramatic.

Wow, it is so hard to get back into the routine of paying attention to the divine in my life. Something that seemed so normal in bible college (not necessarily natural, but normal) now seems way too foreign to me. I feel thrown back into ten years ago, where i was trying to learn simple things like mindfulness and breathing.

It's a good journey. It's a hard lesson. Is it weird to hate breathing?

I remember a time in my life when I was at Bible College that I was so terrified at my role as a campus leader that I woke up early every morning just to pray, because I was so afraid that I would screw up my students or my role or my life that I was so aware of my dependence on the divine to tangibly guide my path every single moment.

I wonder now if that was silly or if that was really really wise.

Lessons from a 19 year old. Maybe we should live our life in such awe of what is around us, and what is in us, that we should live in this sort of healthy holy terror of ourselves, our connectedness, our capabilities, and of God's love and call for our lives. Maybe starting the day off with a realization of our cosmic significance and big-ness is the only sane way to begin our days. And a healthy dose and acknowledgement of the overwhelming grace for us if we do stumble or make a mistake, the love of community and God, the significance and meaning of both our good intentions and sincere apologies.


Thursday, November 10, 2011

november 5 2011

And on this anniversary of both life and death
i woke up squinting
the sun blinding from atop these prairie mountains
calling again to me in ways i am not yet ready to follow
and forward looks backwards looks weak looks entangling
i no longer have my Northern Star
. . . a lie wrapped in hope, self-deception, tears and a wounded heart
both a true and a lie in one neatly wrapped package
And i have worn out my welcome here,
a too-long couchsurfer
afraid of the world beyond that door,
seeking comfort in current surroundings and large bowls of sour cream
These tactics have grown scabs of pride and self-preservation
ever-more demanding of my attention.
This clearly is no longer working.
But my soul is stirring
change calls me from afar

Monday, November 07, 2011

a turning, a vision

i have been craving church lately.

it is an odd feeling. one that i would like to pay attention to but don't actually know how.
i have been craving prayer meetings, group worship sessions, sitting around a fire and singing cheesy jesus camp songs.

but i dont know how to get that without the gut-wrenching feelings that i get when i walk into churches, the feelings of unsafety, frustrations about patriarchal assumptions and language, etc etc etc

and this wrench in my gut whenever i think about god

i am not sure when this shift happened; this shift to a life focused only on the physical. i am not sure when i started to live on this planet and not in in my spiritual orbit of looking at life and everything that i encounter. but somehow it shifted, somehow it did and somehow i got so angry at the divine that i can barely encounter her anymore

meditations, sweatlodges, long walks often leave me feelings angry disoriented and unhelpful

i'm hoping this is a phase. i am hoping this is a just long and prolonged reaction to an ending of a certain dream that i once had. my idealist view of the world and my future is not so idealist anymore and i feel too real life lately. i feel somewhat betrayed by a God who lets shitty things happen, relationships get punctured, and dreams get crushed.

i feel a big ball of feelings which need to get worked out somehow. angst, anger, anxiety. but i do feel very secure in wherever i am in this life, and with how god and i interact. maybe i have finally gotten to a point where i believe i won't be abandoned by the divine which actually allows me to face and process these feelings of life pain and disappointment. could this be a good thing?

i heart jesus. but she makes me so damned mad sometimes.