i have been craving church lately.
it is an odd feeling. one that i would like to pay attention to but don't actually know how.
i have been craving prayer meetings, group worship sessions, sitting around a fire and singing cheesy jesus camp songs.
but i dont know how to get that without the gut-wrenching feelings that i get when i walk into churches, the feelings of unsafety, frustrations about patriarchal assumptions and language, etc etc etc
and this wrench in my gut whenever i think about god
i am not sure when this shift happened; this shift to a life focused only on the physical. i am not sure when i started to live on this planet and not in in my spiritual orbit of looking at life and everything that i encounter. but somehow it shifted, somehow it did and somehow i got so angry at the divine that i can barely encounter her anymore
meditations, sweatlodges, long walks often leave me feelings angry disoriented and unhelpful
i'm hoping this is a phase. i am hoping this is a just long and prolonged reaction to an ending of a certain dream that i once had. my idealist view of the world and my future is not so idealist anymore and i feel too real life lately. i feel somewhat betrayed by a God who lets shitty things happen, relationships get punctured, and dreams get crushed.
i feel a big ball of feelings which need to get worked out somehow. angst, anger, anxiety. but i do feel very secure in wherever i am in this life, and with how god and i interact. maybe i have finally gotten to a point where i believe i won't be abandoned by the divine which actually allows me to face and process these feelings of life pain and disappointment. could this be a good thing?
i heart jesus. but she makes me so damned mad sometimes.