Monday, November 07, 2011

a turning, a vision

i have been craving church lately.

it is an odd feeling. one that i would like to pay attention to but don't actually know how.
i have been craving prayer meetings, group worship sessions, sitting around a fire and singing cheesy jesus camp songs.

but i dont know how to get that without the gut-wrenching feelings that i get when i walk into churches, the feelings of unsafety, frustrations about patriarchal assumptions and language, etc etc etc

and this wrench in my gut whenever i think about god

i am not sure when this shift happened; this shift to a life focused only on the physical. i am not sure when i started to live on this planet and not in in my spiritual orbit of looking at life and everything that i encounter. but somehow it shifted, somehow it did and somehow i got so angry at the divine that i can barely encounter her anymore

meditations, sweatlodges, long walks often leave me feelings angry disoriented and unhelpful

i'm hoping this is a phase. i am hoping this is a just long and prolonged reaction to an ending of a certain dream that i once had. my idealist view of the world and my future is not so idealist anymore and i feel too real life lately. i feel somewhat betrayed by a God who lets shitty things happen, relationships get punctured, and dreams get crushed.

i feel a big ball of feelings which need to get worked out somehow. angst, anger, anxiety. but i do feel very secure in wherever i am in this life, and with how god and i interact. maybe i have finally gotten to a point where i believe i won't be abandoned by the divine which actually allows me to face and process these feelings of life pain and disappointment. could this be a good thing?

i heart jesus. but she makes me so damned mad sometimes.


Sabrina said...

I can relate to your desire for prayer meetings, group worship, and the presence of fiery, spirit-filled, God-lead others in my life. Weird, because I had it... then life kind of got in the way and as prideful and cynical as I am, I think I acted as though I was sort of past that. There is some sort of fight for control that God and I keep having, but ultimately he (or she!) keeps winning and I am pulled back to this place of recognizing my necessity for connection and depth-filled encounters with the divine.

Praying you find a place where your gut is not wrenched, and where your heart overflows with joy and thanksgiving as you enter. Trusting that that place is out there.

Kristin said...

I go back and forth to this same place, though its different each time. I miss the singing, fellowship, and potlucks. This time of year is especially hard, all these beloved traditions are taking place and I'm no longer a part of them - at least not in the way I used to be. I don't know who you are or why you're hurting but the anger and the pain will go away, with time.