Monday, July 12, 2010

angst on a monday morning

so . . . day 12 of july. i am having feelings.

really conflicting ones - really hard to figure out. hard not to be frustrated and angry with myself for my seeming determination to always have such a damned complicated life.

really, everything is unfolding like a dream. my new job is fantastic, and allows me some time to chill and spend time alone and figure my stuff out this summer. i wouldn't want a better schedule. soon i will be leaving for a week to volunteer at a peace camp for youth, and in august mom and candy and i are taking a trip to moncton.

i guess i feel frustrated with myself because i always have this tendency to be so forward looking that i can never enjoy the moment that i am in. trying to be present is exhausting. i feel like i am always spending all of my attention trying to get somewhere else that i step on all of the roses which God is gifting to me today.

so this day seems so full of promise, but i know it will be somewhat full of angst. where do i find the balance between accepting and loving my neurosis and my drive to always move forward, to never be static, and finding contentment in today? how can i both love who i am and also try to learn about myself and be open to change? how can i both love who i am and who i will be at the same moment?

is this a stupid thing to feel angst about? anyway.

off to work! much love to y'all.

1 comment:

Tricia said...

I agree...