so this is inevitably how every blog posting and academic paper i write go;
i sit and struggle and try to push myself as hard and as far as i can go
i write it down
i normally think it brilliant and super perceptive
i post it/hand it in
a day later i read it and freak out because i think it sounds the stupidest thing in the world and feel embarrassed about ever saying those things and surprised that i still have friends/teachers who respect me at all.
it is a cycle which has become sort of funny to me. is all part of the process i guess. self-doubt self-doubt self-doubt
anyway, i promised you a sequel. here it is.
last post was a long rant about my last year - challenges i faced, things i overcame, learnings i've learned, things i am still struggling with.
i didn't mention much about God, and that surprised me a lot. But that has been its own journey the last little while. so this is what's been going on.
somewhere in 2008 i felt i had somewhat of an awakening; a real understanding and picture of what the world could be and was intended to be - a place of justice and of true LIBERATION (that word still excites me, so i will yell it). There was a moment where all that i have been struggling with reconciling with each other - things which i believed in thoroughly but seemed to counteract each other - made perfect sense together - Christianity, spirituality, religion, justice, feminism, oppression. i felt reawakened, alive, excited about this new vision/understanding. I was once frightened of God and his violence; his unattainable demands; the biblical words and stories where justice seems to be perpetuated within its very traditions and words.
i felt an aha moment where God became ever-bigger and where everything i cared about made sense to me. A God of no gender, who demands and creates justice, a God of ever-love to all no matter what race, religion, gender, a God who truly reaches out to us in so many ways, who hates patriarchy, injustice, oppression, and all that dehumanizes people.
everything made sense, and i was passionate to work towards a world where the words Christian and feminism and justice are commonly understood to work hand in hand together.
this went super well, for about a year (but what a year!)
somewhere along the way i started to lose hope. to lose hope in real change, to lose faith in the church that i held so dear that it would ever break its own chains and patterns of oppression. i felt so estranged and marginalized from the community that was such a part of my self-identity. i couldn't stomach walking into a church anymore, hearing and feeling its inherent oppression - its hierarchical patriarchal structures which perpetuate injustices and are full of power struggles. i jumped around from church to church hoping for a place where i could really feel like i belonged, but gave up to find this, in Winnipeg at least.
i felt tired of being othered from both the Christian community for being a feminist, and felt othered from the feminist community for being a Christian. It is a battle that I am tired of, and needed to take some time off.
this is getting long. anyway.
somewhere i lost hope in God, in the church. the two seem so intertwined. how can i work towards such a hurtful, injustice-perpetuating place? how can i actually be feminist in Christian places, or vice-versa? I was tired of being beat up from every side. see last post re: bitch quote.
so i wandered my own desert. found great comfort in SCM. felt really disconnected from God and her church.
and, like always, my wandering has seemed to take me full-circle back to where i started. i do trust God. i don't trust the church, or any religious structure really, to not be a tool of oppression and colonization. and after about a year of not being able to pray, play, find comfort in, dialogue or dance with God without feeling so pained about everything, i have been back to exploring this relationship that her and i have. this perpetual dance we have with each other throughout life of discovering each other a bit more, gaining distance, getting closer, back and forth.
i have been praying again, journalling again, pondering her ways and seeking a connection with her, also feeling comfort and some fulfillment in her presence again. so am experimenting with this again, intentionally inviting her presence into my life, consciously trying to open myself up to what she has to say to me. its been fun - familiar but strange and frightening in many ways. trust is so difficult.
i recognize, even today, how crazy this might sound. i really believe in a divine being who cares about our daily lives, who walk alongside me and who i can interact with in fun and significant and wild wild wild ways. who i am trying to remember loves me no matter what, and how important it is for me to have that sort of daily presence in my life. i am excited about this, and humbled.
still estranged from the church, and largely happily so. but we'll see where that leads as well. likely the full circle will come again where i will once again feel welcome within its reach and feel that i can believe in what it stands for again.
we'll see.
thanks.
Monday, November 08, 2010
Monday, November 01, 2010
up and down and up up up
hello readership
so here is the you - knew-it-was-coming annual birthday retrospective. buckle up.
i have been 30 years old for about 1 day now. most everything feels the same. i even got carded again, which is sort of amusing but also sort of embarrassing.
i was thinking back to my birthday last year and am really taken aback at how different life is now than it was then. last year i decided on a theme for my birthday day, as well as for the year ahead, to revolve around courage, movement, and self-love. K R and C, my good friends, put up with my wackiness on that day. and still ask me how my theme is going. Well, here's the yearly report.
absolutely stellar.
It is so weird to think about the place that i was in a year ago. so . . . stuck. in so many ways. mentally, emotionally, even physically in many aspects of my life. i felt like i was in a huge hole that i couldn't possibly climb out of. i wallowed in hurts and was licking my wounds, scared to interact with the world and to trust again.
Courage was really important because all i wanted to do was cocoon myself and protect myself from the world. so much hurt and pain from everywhere. when i was younger i used to feel almost no emotion about anything - it was a way to protect myself from so much confusion and hurt. in college, in community, i learned to turn the switch on and feel . . . . which was exciting for awhile but once things turned sour i felt i had no skills to deal with it. That sort of kicked my ass with a vengeance during this time. i am a sensitive soul - perhaps too sensitive - in shocking contrast to who i was in my youth. I could probably have a better balance for this now, and am working on that. this quote resonated with me this week, being the feminist Bitch that i am;
Not all Bitches make it. Instead of calluses, they develop open sores. Instead of confidence, they develop an unhealthy sensitivity to rejection. Seemingly tough on the outside, on the inside they are a bloody pulp, raw from the lifelong verbal whipping they have had to endure - the BITCH manifesto
so after this year of whipping from all sides, i wanted to lock myself in a vault and forget about everything. Courage was important for me to not give up and to keep moving forward with life. And somewhere I found it. Thailand was a symbolically significant time for this. And I couldn't have found this courage without my community.
Movement - related. My psyche was so stuck in this place that i couldn't see which way was up anymore. dark dark dark. so much happened that year, all at once - the details of which i can't put on this page because it involves too many people i love. i felt that no matter how i tried, i couldn't get over this damned barrier. but somewhere along the way i have. clearly. i am no longer stuck in that mindset or thought pattern. i feel victorious and i also feel exhausted. and happy. and bigger and stronger.
self-love - if there is anything i still need to work on, it is this. i just don't know how to. it is difficult to unlearn everything you have been taught since a child. feminism has saved my life in this way and has allowed me to realize and believe that my voice is important, that i am important, that i am worth being listened to, that i will not be treated like i am not important anymore. victory on that! less victory on translating those into feeling that i am worth love, commitment, loyalty, time, gifts. less victory over my overwhelming reflex of self-blame for everything that goes wrong.
so... this year has brought much change, and many blessings. courage and movement - check. self-love - mini-check; still working on this one.
upcoming 2 posts: how God fits into all of this, and my focus for this coming year. stay tuned . . .
b
so here is the you - knew-it-was-coming annual birthday retrospective. buckle up.
i have been 30 years old for about 1 day now. most everything feels the same. i even got carded again, which is sort of amusing but also sort of embarrassing.
i was thinking back to my birthday last year and am really taken aback at how different life is now than it was then. last year i decided on a theme for my birthday day, as well as for the year ahead, to revolve around courage, movement, and self-love. K R and C, my good friends, put up with my wackiness on that day. and still ask me how my theme is going. Well, here's the yearly report.
absolutely stellar.
It is so weird to think about the place that i was in a year ago. so . . . stuck. in so many ways. mentally, emotionally, even physically in many aspects of my life. i felt like i was in a huge hole that i couldn't possibly climb out of. i wallowed in hurts and was licking my wounds, scared to interact with the world and to trust again.
Courage was really important because all i wanted to do was cocoon myself and protect myself from the world. so much hurt and pain from everywhere. when i was younger i used to feel almost no emotion about anything - it was a way to protect myself from so much confusion and hurt. in college, in community, i learned to turn the switch on and feel . . . . which was exciting for awhile but once things turned sour i felt i had no skills to deal with it. That sort of kicked my ass with a vengeance during this time. i am a sensitive soul - perhaps too sensitive - in shocking contrast to who i was in my youth. I could probably have a better balance for this now, and am working on that. this quote resonated with me this week, being the feminist Bitch that i am;
Not all Bitches make it. Instead of calluses, they develop open sores. Instead of confidence, they develop an unhealthy sensitivity to rejection. Seemingly tough on the outside, on the inside they are a bloody pulp, raw from the lifelong verbal whipping they have had to endure - the BITCH manifesto
so after this year of whipping from all sides, i wanted to lock myself in a vault and forget about everything. Courage was important for me to not give up and to keep moving forward with life. And somewhere I found it. Thailand was a symbolically significant time for this. And I couldn't have found this courage without my community.
Movement - related. My psyche was so stuck in this place that i couldn't see which way was up anymore. dark dark dark. so much happened that year, all at once - the details of which i can't put on this page because it involves too many people i love. i felt that no matter how i tried, i couldn't get over this damned barrier. but somewhere along the way i have. clearly. i am no longer stuck in that mindset or thought pattern. i feel victorious and i also feel exhausted. and happy. and bigger and stronger.
self-love - if there is anything i still need to work on, it is this. i just don't know how to. it is difficult to unlearn everything you have been taught since a child. feminism has saved my life in this way and has allowed me to realize and believe that my voice is important, that i am important, that i am worth being listened to, that i will not be treated like i am not important anymore. victory on that! less victory on translating those into feeling that i am worth love, commitment, loyalty, time, gifts. less victory over my overwhelming reflex of self-blame for everything that goes wrong.
so... this year has brought much change, and many blessings. courage and movement - check. self-love - mini-check; still working on this one.
upcoming 2 posts: how God fits into all of this, and my focus for this coming year. stay tuned . . .
b
Monday, October 25, 2010
love
my brother Chaitanya posted this on his FB:
An adult may come to love another because of the other's characteristics; but it is the other person, and not the characteristics, that is loved. The love is not transferrable to someone else with the same characteristics, even to one who "scores" higher for these characteristics. And the love endures through changes of the characteristics that gave rise to it. One loves the particular person one actually encountered. Why love is historical, attaching to persons in this way and not to characteristics, is an interesting and puzzling question. - Robert Nozick
Which created a mild flurry of discussion. well, not flurry really, but i posted questions a few time.
i've been pondering the nature of love lately. what the hell is it? commitment? chemistry? where does it come from? why to one person and not another?
Nozick's quote both comforts and frightens me.
i have no answers. do you?
An adult may come to love another because of the other's characteristics; but it is the other person, and not the characteristics, that is loved. The love is not transferrable to someone else with the same characteristics, even to one who "scores" higher for these characteristics. And the love endures through changes of the characteristics that gave rise to it. One loves the particular person one actually encountered. Why love is historical, attaching to persons in this way and not to characteristics, is an interesting and puzzling question. - Robert Nozick
Which created a mild flurry of discussion. well, not flurry really, but i posted questions a few time.
i've been pondering the nature of love lately. what the hell is it? commitment? chemistry? where does it come from? why to one person and not another?
Nozick's quote both comforts and frightens me.
i have no answers. do you?
Monday, October 18, 2010
a rumbly in my tummy
so.
monday morning. it is 7:51 and i just finished writing a paper.
also just finished reading over the last month's blog posts, and am somewhat mortified at how they all basically say the same thing over and over and over again, and also somewhat mortified at how mentally unstable i sound. it made me laugh out loud.
i do feel like i am going a little bit crazy and do feel like my life is somewhat out of control and do feel at the end of my capacity for tasks. at the same time, i do feel like i am making some headway into figuring how who i am and how this life works and how i work within it. loneliness and exhaustion allows me to explore a certain side of myself which I don't often have the will or ability to acknowledge. a scary place but also really liberating, in a crazy way. it is liberating to see parts of myself which i need to acknowledge and accept. also frightening to feel like i am sort of close to cracking.
i started this blog years ago as a discipline for self-growth, a true journal of things which are going on in my heart and mind. i try to push myself to always post something which makes me uncomfortable to reveal to others; something frightening and vulnerable. At the same time, i have recognized within the last 2 years there are areas that i just can't write about which i am dieing to write about, because they involve people in my life or secrets that i hold from certain people (wow, that sounded dramatic, but it doesn't feel that way - really, there are some things in life that you just don't want your boss to know about you, y'know?) but now it seems so confusing as to what the point of this blog is if i censor myself so much.
i want to be honest and i want to be safe at the same time. also i want to respect other people and not air relationship problems to everybody. i posted once about my mom and regretted it - though it wasn't even a big deal.
so now i feel torn between this desire for self-expression (something i have really grown to value the last few years, strangely, and am sort of addicted to it and feel i need it on a daily basis) and this desire to be truly honest. these two do not work together at all.
so it seems under ever post now there is the stream of what I WANT to say and what i want to express, and what i hold back. or try to express in a really roundabout vague way which i know is maddening for people. and for myself.
all part of the journey.
thanks for all your emails, friends. comments on my post, either on the wall or in my inbox are welcome and allow me to really flush out and figure out my thoughts and feelings. i need more people in my life that i can interact with about these things which are so damned important to me. and chances are i can be more honest to you off this wall than on it. :-)
love and puppies,
b
monday morning. it is 7:51 and i just finished writing a paper.
also just finished reading over the last month's blog posts, and am somewhat mortified at how they all basically say the same thing over and over and over again, and also somewhat mortified at how mentally unstable i sound. it made me laugh out loud.
i do feel like i am going a little bit crazy and do feel like my life is somewhat out of control and do feel at the end of my capacity for tasks. at the same time, i do feel like i am making some headway into figuring how who i am and how this life works and how i work within it. loneliness and exhaustion allows me to explore a certain side of myself which I don't often have the will or ability to acknowledge. a scary place but also really liberating, in a crazy way. it is liberating to see parts of myself which i need to acknowledge and accept. also frightening to feel like i am sort of close to cracking.
i started this blog years ago as a discipline for self-growth, a true journal of things which are going on in my heart and mind. i try to push myself to always post something which makes me uncomfortable to reveal to others; something frightening and vulnerable. At the same time, i have recognized within the last 2 years there are areas that i just can't write about which i am dieing to write about, because they involve people in my life or secrets that i hold from certain people (wow, that sounded dramatic, but it doesn't feel that way - really, there are some things in life that you just don't want your boss to know about you, y'know?) but now it seems so confusing as to what the point of this blog is if i censor myself so much.
i want to be honest and i want to be safe at the same time. also i want to respect other people and not air relationship problems to everybody. i posted once about my mom and regretted it - though it wasn't even a big deal.
so now i feel torn between this desire for self-expression (something i have really grown to value the last few years, strangely, and am sort of addicted to it and feel i need it on a daily basis) and this desire to be truly honest. these two do not work together at all.
so it seems under ever post now there is the stream of what I WANT to say and what i want to express, and what i hold back. or try to express in a really roundabout vague way which i know is maddening for people. and for myself.
all part of the journey.
thanks for all your emails, friends. comments on my post, either on the wall or in my inbox are welcome and allow me to really flush out and figure out my thoughts and feelings. i need more people in my life that i can interact with about these things which are so damned important to me. and chances are i can be more honest to you off this wall than on it. :-)
love and puppies,
b
Monday, October 11, 2010
brain puke
so. anyway.
this is what is rumbling around in my head today:
thanksgiving. christopher columbus - asshole. marxist feminism. Nellie McClung. CED Gathering (x 1000). the infestation of ladybugs in my bathroom. my desperate need to be in bed right now vs. my desperate need to be at work. platform for action. Rendezvous. my lack of interest in church lately. women's worlds. money money money. mexico. bell hooks. how can i smash the patriarchy today? fear. loneliness. exhaustion. turning 30. my sore foot. i really need to go dancing sometime. the chocolate cookie i am about to eat. my fear of never being good enough. my desire to be loved and accepted and cherished as i am right now. closely related, the thanksgiving meal i will go to today with my family. masks. terror at the idea of being unloved; my overwhelming embarrassment to admit this publicly. i should be stronger than that. my desire to be grounded combined with the feeling that i've lost myself somewhere these few months. or maybe i am growing into something new. either way i seem unrecognizable to myself. oscar romero.
this is what is rumbling around in my head today:
thanksgiving. christopher columbus - asshole. marxist feminism. Nellie McClung. CED Gathering (x 1000). the infestation of ladybugs in my bathroom. my desperate need to be in bed right now vs. my desperate need to be at work. platform for action. Rendezvous. my lack of interest in church lately. women's worlds. money money money. mexico. bell hooks. how can i smash the patriarchy today? fear. loneliness. exhaustion. turning 30. my sore foot. i really need to go dancing sometime. the chocolate cookie i am about to eat. my fear of never being good enough. my desire to be loved and accepted and cherished as i am right now. closely related, the thanksgiving meal i will go to today with my family. masks. terror at the idea of being unloved; my overwhelming embarrassment to admit this publicly. i should be stronger than that. my desire to be grounded combined with the feeling that i've lost myself somewhere these few months. or maybe i am growing into something new. either way i seem unrecognizable to myself. oscar romero.
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
incoherent. i blame the grapes
perhaps i am too self-indulgent.
perhaps i am more messed up than i think i am.
then again, perhaps i have simply had too much wine.
i just wrote and deleted this entire post. it was far too naked, far too honest, and i sounded far too crazy. too much bre for one sitting, i fear. too safe.
someday i hope to trust the world enough to actually post something like this.
perhaps i am more messed up than i think i am.
then again, perhaps i have simply had too much wine.
i just wrote and deleted this entire post. it was far too naked, far too honest, and i sounded far too crazy. too much bre for one sitting, i fear. too safe.
someday i hope to trust the world enough to actually post something like this.
Monday, September 27, 2010
scattered like leaves in a beesnest
hello dear friends
it is a bleary-eyed monday morning.
i am going mental a bit. this schedule is ridiculous. every spare minute i have i run to one of my offices because i am consistently behind. i feel exhausted and lonely. i whimper a lot and am in need of lots of love.
but enough of me trying to get you to pity me. let's dig a bit deeper.
so i am turning 30 soon! crazy. a milestone i am looking forward to, except i was watching a tv show yesterday that promised me the second i turned 30 that both my eyes and breasts would immediately sag. we'll see i guess. perhaps some great before and after pictures are in order.
30 - is it a big deal or not? i find age to be is such an unhelpful measurement, in many ways. as a woman, it is mostly held against me - every minute longer i live i lose more social power. i was reading Gloria Steinem and she mentioned that woman often become feminists later in their lives because as they grow older they realize how sexist and unfair the world is to women, but they didn't notice the full effects because as young women they had the most social power they would ever have. They are desired physically, sexually, and are very desired as consumers. Steinem says that young women's worlds feel very equal to men, in the classroom and in the general world. it is not until we hold jobs, get traditional marriages, get older that we realize how patriarchal the world actually is, and every year lost some sort of our social power.
i think she's right.
but screw that. i want to embrace 30. i want to embrace wisdom; a new form of life. i want to embrace my life for what it is and how i have made it my own while i continually fight off this haunting feeling that i have failed because i am unmarried, still a student, and don't own a house. what is success? when i am healthy and clear headed i feel successful - i am following my understanding of who I am and who God is and try to honour those everyday in the ways i live. when i am unhealthy and exhausted (like . . . today) i feel a failure - in debt, unstable, and maybe making silly choices which won't help my future. how do you fight these haunting feelings? why is it that at every family gathering people are more concerned about whether i have a husband or a home, rather than what i am doing to make my life more meaningful? that pisses me off.
this has turned into a rant, when really it was meant to be a "hey, i am embracing life" sort of post. but such is my brain.
anyway, what i am saying is this;
damn, i'm glad to be who i am
damn, i'm tired of these social pressures
damn, i really need to work on that paper.
love to y'all
b
it is a bleary-eyed monday morning.
i am going mental a bit. this schedule is ridiculous. every spare minute i have i run to one of my offices because i am consistently behind. i feel exhausted and lonely. i whimper a lot and am in need of lots of love.
but enough of me trying to get you to pity me. let's dig a bit deeper.
so i am turning 30 soon! crazy. a milestone i am looking forward to, except i was watching a tv show yesterday that promised me the second i turned 30 that both my eyes and breasts would immediately sag. we'll see i guess. perhaps some great before and after pictures are in order.
30 - is it a big deal or not? i find age to be is such an unhelpful measurement, in many ways. as a woman, it is mostly held against me - every minute longer i live i lose more social power. i was reading Gloria Steinem and she mentioned that woman often become feminists later in their lives because as they grow older they realize how sexist and unfair the world is to women, but they didn't notice the full effects because as young women they had the most social power they would ever have. They are desired physically, sexually, and are very desired as consumers. Steinem says that young women's worlds feel very equal to men, in the classroom and in the general world. it is not until we hold jobs, get traditional marriages, get older that we realize how patriarchal the world actually is, and every year lost some sort of our social power.
i think she's right.
but screw that. i want to embrace 30. i want to embrace wisdom; a new form of life. i want to embrace my life for what it is and how i have made it my own while i continually fight off this haunting feeling that i have failed because i am unmarried, still a student, and don't own a house. what is success? when i am healthy and clear headed i feel successful - i am following my understanding of who I am and who God is and try to honour those everyday in the ways i live. when i am unhealthy and exhausted (like . . . today) i feel a failure - in debt, unstable, and maybe making silly choices which won't help my future. how do you fight these haunting feelings? why is it that at every family gathering people are more concerned about whether i have a husband or a home, rather than what i am doing to make my life more meaningful? that pisses me off.
this has turned into a rant, when really it was meant to be a "hey, i am embracing life" sort of post. but such is my brain.
anyway, what i am saying is this;
damn, i'm glad to be who i am
damn, i'm tired of these social pressures
damn, i really need to work on that paper.
love to y'all
b
Monday, September 20, 2010
found?
hey y'all
happy monday morning
i feel so busy, so harried, that i am hardly in touch with myself or my feelings or who i am. yesterday i forced myself to sit and feel and process for about a half hour and it was frustrating because it seemed to barely scratch the surface of all that is irking me. some days i feel i don't even know who i am anymore; others i have a very precise picture and walk with that confidence. i guess this is normal in many ways, and part of the process of constantly growing and changing and walking anew.
i read my bible yesterday for the first time in eons. this hasn't been an intentional decision to not read it - more of a shift to only come at scripture when i have an open heart to hear what the words are saying, and not going through the motions. but i wonder if this lack of discipline, this lack of regular engagement, has to do with my feeling of not being grounded lately. not just with christian scripture, but with christianity in general; my feelings of estrangement and as if i have no place to actually belong. i feel i have lost a lot of grace with churches and denominations and instead of seeing good people and good intentions i see only hurtful structures and hurting people. neither of these views are exclusively true, and they need to both be held in the same hand to see a true picture. but i feel burned out, frustrated, hopeless that this large beast which i care so much about will one day be a truly inclusive and liberatory space for all to engage the divine.
i feel like a broken record, as i feel like my life is a broken record, keep around and around and back to the same problem and the same blog post.
i feel unsettled, unengaged, unprophetic, and uncalled. i feel a bit lost today.
b
happy monday morning
i feel so busy, so harried, that i am hardly in touch with myself or my feelings or who i am. yesterday i forced myself to sit and feel and process for about a half hour and it was frustrating because it seemed to barely scratch the surface of all that is irking me. some days i feel i don't even know who i am anymore; others i have a very precise picture and walk with that confidence. i guess this is normal in many ways, and part of the process of constantly growing and changing and walking anew.
i read my bible yesterday for the first time in eons. this hasn't been an intentional decision to not read it - more of a shift to only come at scripture when i have an open heart to hear what the words are saying, and not going through the motions. but i wonder if this lack of discipline, this lack of regular engagement, has to do with my feeling of not being grounded lately. not just with christian scripture, but with christianity in general; my feelings of estrangement and as if i have no place to actually belong. i feel i have lost a lot of grace with churches and denominations and instead of seeing good people and good intentions i see only hurtful structures and hurting people. neither of these views are exclusively true, and they need to both be held in the same hand to see a true picture. but i feel burned out, frustrated, hopeless that this large beast which i care so much about will one day be a truly inclusive and liberatory space for all to engage the divine.
i feel like a broken record, as i feel like my life is a broken record, keep around and around and back to the same problem and the same blog post.
i feel unsettled, unengaged, unprophetic, and uncalled. i feel a bit lost today.
b
Monday, September 13, 2010
truly ramblings
hello friends. enemies. comrades.
quick life update: I AM GOING MENTAL.
3 jobs - 2 classes - my plethora of volunteer commitments. not sure if i will last until december.
don't tell my bosses . . .
things are holding steady for now. the frustrating part today is that i seem to stress out because I KNOW that I will be stressed out in October. I am pre-stressing in anticipation of coming stress. isn't that stupid? right now i am holding steady and doing pretty well.
old patterns creeping in. not particularly healthy ones.
the process of growing and learning and changing seems so ridiculous to me sometimes. never-ending! always struggling in some form or another, wrestling with my angels or demons or myself. finding the right balance of self-love and motivation for self-betterment is sometimes tricky, especially when life seems so necessarily busy.
once i had thought i figured out the point of life. now i can't even REMEMBER what I thought it was - it was either so ridiculous or so elusive that I can't really recall it.
but i am sure it has something to do with the internet.
quick life update: I AM GOING MENTAL.
3 jobs - 2 classes - my plethora of volunteer commitments. not sure if i will last until december.
don't tell my bosses . . .
things are holding steady for now. the frustrating part today is that i seem to stress out because I KNOW that I will be stressed out in October. I am pre-stressing in anticipation of coming stress. isn't that stupid? right now i am holding steady and doing pretty well.
old patterns creeping in. not particularly healthy ones.
the process of growing and learning and changing seems so ridiculous to me sometimes. never-ending! always struggling in some form or another, wrestling with my angels or demons or myself. finding the right balance of self-love and motivation for self-betterment is sometimes tricky, especially when life seems so necessarily busy.
once i had thought i figured out the point of life. now i can't even REMEMBER what I thought it was - it was either so ridiculous or so elusive that I can't really recall it.
but i am sure it has something to do with the internet.
Monday, September 06, 2010
labour day
and nothing makes sense
life seems hazy and confused
every path impossible except for the one that i don't want
and where do we end? and where do we begin
and if i am growing and changing and not static
then how can i say with any certainty who i am at any given moment
what sort of butterfly am i
and why is this all so difficult
and fear lurks beyond every happy corner
risks in family dinnertimes and prolonged hugging
i don't know how tightly to hold onto these hopes
i don't know how tightly to hold onto these hopes.
life seems hazy and confused
every path impossible except for the one that i don't want
and where do we end? and where do we begin
and if i am growing and changing and not static
then how can i say with any certainty who i am at any given moment
what sort of butterfly am i
and why is this all so difficult
and fear lurks beyond every happy corner
risks in family dinnertimes and prolonged hugging
i don't know how tightly to hold onto these hopes
i don't know how tightly to hold onto these hopes.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
puke
hey all
happy monday
i have nothing substantial to say today, really. this is one of those hard days where feelings have no words and i have a hard time expressing myself. emotionally constipated. in need of an outlet but not sure how to do that. especially when i need to pretend that i am a professional and need to go to work and lead workshops and the like.
it is only 6:38 am and i am wondering why i always get up so early to do activist work and whether it really matters in the end, whether change is happening. i know change happens in my own life, and maybe that's enough, but i also wonder whether it is worth the pain and sweat and tears and pathetic income. i wonder at the value of formal organizations, religious and otherwise, outside of perpetuating the hurtful status quo. i wonder how long i will be able to perpetuate this feeling of hope for a better world when everyday there is something new and heinous to struggle against.
william blake said that the struggle is the blessing. maybe. but if so, where does wisdom lie? does it lie in working and raging or in sitting back and drinking beer and accepting the face that it is human nature to be violent to one another and knowing truly that i can't do anything about that.
anyway
it is dark outside, and i don't know if its becuase it is cloudy or because the sun quite isn't up yet or because i just can't see the sunshine or its effects today.
should i walk away from the church?
happy monday
i have nothing substantial to say today, really. this is one of those hard days where feelings have no words and i have a hard time expressing myself. emotionally constipated. in need of an outlet but not sure how to do that. especially when i need to pretend that i am a professional and need to go to work and lead workshops and the like.
it is only 6:38 am and i am wondering why i always get up so early to do activist work and whether it really matters in the end, whether change is happening. i know change happens in my own life, and maybe that's enough, but i also wonder whether it is worth the pain and sweat and tears and pathetic income. i wonder at the value of formal organizations, religious and otherwise, outside of perpetuating the hurtful status quo. i wonder how long i will be able to perpetuate this feeling of hope for a better world when everyday there is something new and heinous to struggle against.
william blake said that the struggle is the blessing. maybe. but if so, where does wisdom lie? does it lie in working and raging or in sitting back and drinking beer and accepting the face that it is human nature to be violent to one another and knowing truly that i can't do anything about that.
anyway
it is dark outside, and i don't know if its becuase it is cloudy or because the sun quite isn't up yet or because i just can't see the sunshine or its effects today.
should i walk away from the church?
Monday, August 02, 2010
wisdom.
Freedom can come only from contemplating death, not from pretending it doesn't exist. Not from running from loss but from entering grief, surrendering to sorrow. - Eve Ensler, Insecure At Last
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
angst on a monday morning
so . . . day 12 of july. i am having feelings.
really conflicting ones - really hard to figure out. hard not to be frustrated and angry with myself for my seeming determination to always have such a damned complicated life.
really, everything is unfolding like a dream. my new job is fantastic, and allows me some time to chill and spend time alone and figure my stuff out this summer. i wouldn't want a better schedule. soon i will be leaving for a week to volunteer at a peace camp for youth, and in august mom and candy and i are taking a trip to moncton.
i guess i feel frustrated with myself because i always have this tendency to be so forward looking that i can never enjoy the moment that i am in. trying to be present is exhausting. i feel like i am always spending all of my attention trying to get somewhere else that i step on all of the roses which God is gifting to me today.
so this day seems so full of promise, but i know it will be somewhat full of angst. where do i find the balance between accepting and loving my neurosis and my drive to always move forward, to never be static, and finding contentment in today? how can i both love who i am and also try to learn about myself and be open to change? how can i both love who i am and who i will be at the same moment?
is this a stupid thing to feel angst about? anyway.
off to work! much love to y'all.
bre
really conflicting ones - really hard to figure out. hard not to be frustrated and angry with myself for my seeming determination to always have such a damned complicated life.
really, everything is unfolding like a dream. my new job is fantastic, and allows me some time to chill and spend time alone and figure my stuff out this summer. i wouldn't want a better schedule. soon i will be leaving for a week to volunteer at a peace camp for youth, and in august mom and candy and i are taking a trip to moncton.
i guess i feel frustrated with myself because i always have this tendency to be so forward looking that i can never enjoy the moment that i am in. trying to be present is exhausting. i feel like i am always spending all of my attention trying to get somewhere else that i step on all of the roses which God is gifting to me today.
so this day seems so full of promise, but i know it will be somewhat full of angst. where do i find the balance between accepting and loving my neurosis and my drive to always move forward, to never be static, and finding contentment in today? how can i both love who i am and also try to learn about myself and be open to change? how can i both love who i am and who i will be at the same moment?
is this a stupid thing to feel angst about? anyway.
off to work! much love to y'all.
bre
Monday, July 05, 2010
shakespeare and star trek
hello friends
i don't have very profound things to say today. except that i feel really happy. i guess that's profound enough?
july marks a new season of life - a time of preparation! for exciting stuff come september
i started my new job today at CCEDNET and it felt super comfortable. this working part-time thing is pretty glorious. i am typing on my new laptop - have been saving up for this for like 5 years. have been using my new ipod - the tools on it are way more useful than i thought, and i am super enjoying how streamlined it has made a lot of things in life. i am really shocked at how much i use it for practical purposes (i am not so shocked about how much i use it to play tiki totems, but am working on cutting down . . . ). i am looking forward to 2 months of really intense self-exploration and all of the anger, joy, release that brings. maybe my expectations are a bit high for 2 months, but i am determined to work pretty damn hard at this. i think i might need to buy a new journal soon...
september starts anew with classes and my job at UNPAC - filled with lots of new challenges and lots of exciting people. i am looking forward to everything. this is a very new feeling for me! i want september to be a rebirth in all ways spiritual. i am working very hard to reach that goal!
here's to the undiscovered country . . . i'll keep you all updated!
bre
i don't have very profound things to say today. except that i feel really happy. i guess that's profound enough?
july marks a new season of life - a time of preparation! for exciting stuff come september
i started my new job today at CCEDNET and it felt super comfortable. this working part-time thing is pretty glorious. i am typing on my new laptop - have been saving up for this for like 5 years. have been using my new ipod - the tools on it are way more useful than i thought, and i am super enjoying how streamlined it has made a lot of things in life. i am really shocked at how much i use it for practical purposes (i am not so shocked about how much i use it to play tiki totems, but am working on cutting down . . . ). i am looking forward to 2 months of really intense self-exploration and all of the anger, joy, release that brings. maybe my expectations are a bit high for 2 months, but i am determined to work pretty damn hard at this. i think i might need to buy a new journal soon...
september starts anew with classes and my job at UNPAC - filled with lots of new challenges and lots of exciting people. i am looking forward to everything. this is a very new feeling for me! i want september to be a rebirth in all ways spiritual. i am working very hard to reach that goal!
here's to the undiscovered country . . . i'll keep you all updated!
bre
Monday, June 21, 2010
i haven't rambled lately . . . so here you go
Whirlwind
I pretty much live at the toronto airport
Have been there, or through there, 6 times within the past month, while gallivanting across Ontario
Anyway
I am reminded today
I am reminded of God, her graciousness, her beauty, and most of all, God’s promises. Faith is a powerful thing, and everytime I willingly step into it fantastic things happen. You would think I would remember this lesson, but I seem to have to often re-remind myself of Christ’s promises and continuous gift of grace. Stepping out in faith is so damned frightening – this invisible yet sturdy safety net
I have been finding much meaning lately in remembering, and in sitting in that remembrance, of who God is and who I am in Christ.
I have been thinking a lot about identity. Mostly because I feel I don’t have one – feel somewhat lost in some wilderness of my own making. Same story with me as always, I guess (am I stuck? Am I manifesting?). I think I find my footing and then it disappears and I remember again not to rely on things of this world (is this an actual lesson, or my counterphobic 6 paranoia creeping out again? I can’t actually tell. I understand this may not be super healthy . . . ). Anyway that probably didn’t make any sense
I quit my job. It was a frightening thing to do, but necessary. I think I was supposed to do that a long time ago but couldn’t find the courage. So I stepped out, and opportunities have been coming out of the woodwork to me in really humbling ways.
So I have a new job! Interim Coordinator of UNPAC, which is a women’s equality organizations, mostly focused on economic issues in Manitoba. How cool is that?
And some other opportunities have been pouring in
It is nice to feel so wanted, so affirmed in the work I do and who I am. I haven’t searched out any of these, once people found out that I am free they have been contacting me left and right. Really good for my sense of self-esteem.
I feel like life is shifting again and starting over . . . starting fresh! Super excited about that. Everything starts in September – pursuing full-time school again while balancing really meaningful employment which will make me excited. SO GOOD!
So this summer, this july and august I won’t have much on my agenda to do. Might pick up a part-time job . . . but most of it will be focused on me. (selfish much?) really. This seems like such a spiritual opportunity to flush myself out, dig out my demons, remember who I am. I want to become comfortable with myself again, to look in the mirror and see myself the way my creator has made me to be. To stop being so damned self-deprecating and so pushed and pulled by external forces. I WANT TO BE A ROCK. Sexy, no? I am tired of being swayed back and forth, and of not remembering who I am and who god is.
So here’s to summer . . . it will involve a lot of journaling, a lot of writing, a lot of babies (not mine . . . but cute ones I am related to), a lot of my mother and a lot of soul-searching. I am so thankful to Christ for this opportunity for intense self-reflection and to resurrect, again, anew and fresh. To leave the past in the past, and to look towards a future of windy, scary, blessed, exciting roads!
I’ll let you know how it goes…
B
I pretty much live at the toronto airport
Have been there, or through there, 6 times within the past month, while gallivanting across Ontario
Anyway
I am reminded today
I am reminded of God, her graciousness, her beauty, and most of all, God’s promises. Faith is a powerful thing, and everytime I willingly step into it fantastic things happen. You would think I would remember this lesson, but I seem to have to often re-remind myself of Christ’s promises and continuous gift of grace. Stepping out in faith is so damned frightening – this invisible yet sturdy safety net
I have been finding much meaning lately in remembering, and in sitting in that remembrance, of who God is and who I am in Christ.
I have been thinking a lot about identity. Mostly because I feel I don’t have one – feel somewhat lost in some wilderness of my own making. Same story with me as always, I guess (am I stuck? Am I manifesting?). I think I find my footing and then it disappears and I remember again not to rely on things of this world (is this an actual lesson, or my counterphobic 6 paranoia creeping out again? I can’t actually tell. I understand this may not be super healthy . . . ). Anyway that probably didn’t make any sense
I quit my job. It was a frightening thing to do, but necessary. I think I was supposed to do that a long time ago but couldn’t find the courage. So I stepped out, and opportunities have been coming out of the woodwork to me in really humbling ways.
So I have a new job! Interim Coordinator of UNPAC, which is a women’s equality organizations, mostly focused on economic issues in Manitoba. How cool is that?
And some other opportunities have been pouring in
It is nice to feel so wanted, so affirmed in the work I do and who I am. I haven’t searched out any of these, once people found out that I am free they have been contacting me left and right. Really good for my sense of self-esteem.
I feel like life is shifting again and starting over . . . starting fresh! Super excited about that. Everything starts in September – pursuing full-time school again while balancing really meaningful employment which will make me excited. SO GOOD!
So this summer, this july and august I won’t have much on my agenda to do. Might pick up a part-time job . . . but most of it will be focused on me. (selfish much?) really. This seems like such a spiritual opportunity to flush myself out, dig out my demons, remember who I am. I want to become comfortable with myself again, to look in the mirror and see myself the way my creator has made me to be. To stop being so damned self-deprecating and so pushed and pulled by external forces. I WANT TO BE A ROCK. Sexy, no? I am tired of being swayed back and forth, and of not remembering who I am and who god is.
So here’s to summer . . . it will involve a lot of journaling, a lot of writing, a lot of babies (not mine . . . but cute ones I am related to), a lot of my mother and a lot of soul-searching. I am so thankful to Christ for this opportunity for intense self-reflection and to resurrect, again, anew and fresh. To leave the past in the past, and to look towards a future of windy, scary, blessed, exciting roads!
I’ll let you know how it goes…
B
Monday, May 31, 2010
mm-hmmmm
I deny the resurrection of Christ every time I do not serve at the feet of the oppressed, each day that I turn my back on the poor; I deny the resurrection of Christ when I close my ears to the cries of the downtrodden and lend my support to an unjust and corrupt system." - Peter Rollins
Monday, May 17, 2010
a remembering
At the end of April 2009 I was a guest speaker at a Christian college in Kansas. In their chapel I spoke about gender issues within the Church, and the day after I gave a short sort of motivational talk to the group of senior women.
Cleaning my office last week, I came across my printout of that speech to those women. And I looked it over and it shocked me! There were so many things in there that I said, that I was so convinced of, which I seemed to completely forget about just a few days later when life threw me a curveball. May 2009 began a year of much hurt, struggle, and confusion including my own health problems, family member’s health problems, money issues, and other deeply significant changes. Everything seemed so out of my control and unfair. And confusing and angrifying (did I just make up that word?). I felt so powerless over everything and didn’t understand anything that was happening. I still don’t.
These are the words of wisdom that I had in April 2010 which I shared with those women:
(my grandiose life plan of marriage and cats and kids and ministry didn’t work out). Did I fail? It felt like it. It really did. I thought I messed up my life, in a way permanent and unfixable.
I didn’t fail. I have come to understand that these twists and turns of life, of God, were such blessings, even though I didn’t consider them such at that time. Life will never go exactly as planned. And, though that is hard and somewhat painful, if you come at it with an open heart and your eyes on Christ, you will discover that these twists and turns are actually invitations to an exciting, faith-filled, life of adventure and holy discomfort. Without these twists, I never would have discovered my deep gladness . . .
It is now May 2010, a significant time for me and a beginning of what I hope to be a newly re-birthed adventure. I look at these words and am stunned (primarily because they sound so ridiculous and cheesy), but also because whatever wisdom I had that day that I spoke of was quickly discarded in the midst of hardship. Strange and discouraging. But also helpful in that I remember that this, too, shall pass, and remember that grace abounds in this world. That today, though difficult, will look vastly different to me in a few years from now. Now I see only a dark piece of the whole; someday I will be able to see the entire painting.
What I need to do now is to believe that, when finished, this mysterious painting will turn out to be beautiful. Breathtaking. This is my struggle today. But when I look back at the lines drawn so far, they’re not all bad, and have a lot of promise. This gives me hope. My community gives me hope. Winnipeg gives me hope. On even the darkest of days there are gifts around me which lift up my spirit and make me smile.
I am thankful that there is always some form of tomorrow. Thanks be to God.
B
Cleaning my office last week, I came across my printout of that speech to those women. And I looked it over and it shocked me! There were so many things in there that I said, that I was so convinced of, which I seemed to completely forget about just a few days later when life threw me a curveball. May 2009 began a year of much hurt, struggle, and confusion including my own health problems, family member’s health problems, money issues, and other deeply significant changes. Everything seemed so out of my control and unfair. And confusing and angrifying (did I just make up that word?). I felt so powerless over everything and didn’t understand anything that was happening. I still don’t.
These are the words of wisdom that I had in April 2010 which I shared with those women:
(my grandiose life plan of marriage and cats and kids and ministry didn’t work out). Did I fail? It felt like it. It really did. I thought I messed up my life, in a way permanent and unfixable.
I didn’t fail. I have come to understand that these twists and turns of life, of God, were such blessings, even though I didn’t consider them such at that time. Life will never go exactly as planned. And, though that is hard and somewhat painful, if you come at it with an open heart and your eyes on Christ, you will discover that these twists and turns are actually invitations to an exciting, faith-filled, life of adventure and holy discomfort. Without these twists, I never would have discovered my deep gladness . . .
It is now May 2010, a significant time for me and a beginning of what I hope to be a newly re-birthed adventure. I look at these words and am stunned (primarily because they sound so ridiculous and cheesy), but also because whatever wisdom I had that day that I spoke of was quickly discarded in the midst of hardship. Strange and discouraging. But also helpful in that I remember that this, too, shall pass, and remember that grace abounds in this world. That today, though difficult, will look vastly different to me in a few years from now. Now I see only a dark piece of the whole; someday I will be able to see the entire painting.
What I need to do now is to believe that, when finished, this mysterious painting will turn out to be beautiful. Breathtaking. This is my struggle today. But when I look back at the lines drawn so far, they’re not all bad, and have a lot of promise. This gives me hope. My community gives me hope. Winnipeg gives me hope. On even the darkest of days there are gifts around me which lift up my spirit and make me smile.
I am thankful that there is always some form of tomorrow. Thanks be to God.
B
Monday, May 10, 2010
Student Christian Movement
Conference. Conference. Conference.
Happened.
Much happiness and liberation, tied with much sadness and challenge. This is my third SCM conference, and this seems to be the running theme throughout them all; they are always a time of significant life changes, new beginnings, and cutting endings.
I think I’ll focus on the joy and liberation. The challenge is too tricky to deal with via paper.
SCM is my family. These people are all so important to me. If I have a home it is with this community of people, these quintessential ragamuffins who are all so beautiful in their honesty and in our collective relative brokenness. Behold the bread and wine.
Part of my joy in this is my ability to serve in ways which I am unable to serve back in my real life. My church relations are so estranged and painful, and I have been kept out of full participation in my evangelical home for a number of reasons (mostly my GENDER, which pisses me off. Anyway . . . ). Being able to participate within worship by speaking, drumming, and administering communion was so healing for me. I felt supported, a vital part of a spiritual community, affirmed in my calling as a child of God and as a prophet of Christ. I gave and I received and I was healed and I had a part in healing others. ‘twas beautiful. And I feel hopeful about life and the church again for the first time in eons.
Sort of a spiritual refueling, a remembering of who I really am, who I really want to be, and a commitment to dealing with my oozing junk.
Feels good. Feels scary. Feels like myself again, or at least on the road back to engaging myself again.
Thanks be to God.
Happened.
Much happiness and liberation, tied with much sadness and challenge. This is my third SCM conference, and this seems to be the running theme throughout them all; they are always a time of significant life changes, new beginnings, and cutting endings.
I think I’ll focus on the joy and liberation. The challenge is too tricky to deal with via paper.
SCM is my family. These people are all so important to me. If I have a home it is with this community of people, these quintessential ragamuffins who are all so beautiful in their honesty and in our collective relative brokenness. Behold the bread and wine.
Part of my joy in this is my ability to serve in ways which I am unable to serve back in my real life. My church relations are so estranged and painful, and I have been kept out of full participation in my evangelical home for a number of reasons (mostly my GENDER, which pisses me off. Anyway . . . ). Being able to participate within worship by speaking, drumming, and administering communion was so healing for me. I felt supported, a vital part of a spiritual community, affirmed in my calling as a child of God and as a prophet of Christ. I gave and I received and I was healed and I had a part in healing others. ‘twas beautiful. And I feel hopeful about life and the church again for the first time in eons.
Sort of a spiritual refueling, a remembering of who I really am, who I really want to be, and a commitment to dealing with my oozing junk.
Feels good. Feels scary. Feels like myself again, or at least on the road back to engaging myself again.
Thanks be to God.
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