i have nothing substantial to say today, really. this is one of those hard days where feelings have no words and i have a hard time expressing myself. emotionally constipated. in need of an outlet but not sure how to do that. especially when i need to pretend that i am a professional and need to go to work and lead workshops and the like.
it is only 6:38 am and i am wondering why i always get up so early to do activist work and whether it really matters in the end, whether change is happening. i know change happens in my own life, and maybe that's enough, but i also wonder whether it is worth the pain and sweat and tears and pathetic income. i wonder at the value of formal organizations, religious and otherwise, outside of perpetuating the hurtful status quo. i wonder how long i will be able to perpetuate this feeling of hope for a better world when everyday there is something new and heinous to struggle against.
william blake said that the struggle is the blessing. maybe. but if so, where does wisdom lie? does it lie in working and raging or in sitting back and drinking beer and accepting the face that it is human nature to be violent to one another and knowing truly that i can't do anything about that.
it is dark outside, and i don't know if its becuase it is cloudy or because the sun quite isn't up yet or because i just can't see the sunshine or its effects today.
should i walk away from the church?