i've been inspired and am working on a freaking mini-thesis to post on this blog. not sure how long it will be though, but hopefully it will be worth the wait. i'll give you a hint, it has to do with Jesus.
Here's a quote to tide you over until I am ready:
i fear being on my deathbed, having missed out on my whole life because i was always living in the future. -alanis morisette
Please note that any comments mocking Alanis will be promptly deleted. I believe in free speech, but come on - there's got to be limits.
i'm just joking.
bre
Monday, January 29, 2007
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
a bit embarassing
(context: this was written on the 19th, BEFORE the MSC retreat this last weekend).
Lots of you probably know that my job has been stressing me out quite a bit lately. Too many things to do, and definitely not enough time or resources. It seems that I don’t have time for breaks, and that I am spinning my wheels lots. So many things to do, and I can’t do them all. It really got me down and stressed me out quite a bit.
Until yesterday.
I have a great boss. One who trusts me, is willing to talk about anything, and who is a pillar of integrity in a very peaceful way. We have been conversing a bit lately about how I have been feeling. On Thursday I told him that things were stressing me out. That there is normally over 400 unread emails in my inbox, that I run around all day trying to take care of Urgent things, that I can’t get to important larger tasks that are on my plate. Everyday I work hard, do my best, but it always feels like I am failing – failing myself, failing the College, and failing my boss. It sucks. And it’s no fun anymore.
So we talked for a bit. He asked me if anybody was complaining – faculty, other staff, students. I thought about it and I said no. He certainly wasn’t complaining about my work. He asked me who was putting pressure on me to do so much. I thought about it and had to say, “nobody. Only myself.” And his answer is, “It sounds like you need to have a conversation with yourself about this. You’re the only one who thinks you’re doing poorly.”
He is a very wise man.
Since that meeting I have been thinking and pondering about this. He’s right. The only one determined to take on my huge workload is myself. There are so many things that are important that need to be done, that nobody else would do it, I think I got into martyr syndrome. Taking one for the College. Making things better, doing things right. But it is impossible. For some reason I have been viewing all of these things as “must do’s,” and I have been driving myself crazy. When I realize that nobody really has demanded that all of my projects even get started, that I have initiated most of these jobs, I feel a bit silly.
I am haunted by feelings and fears of failure. Everyday I think I fail at something, and it feels very bad. How much of it is self-inflicted? It is very startling to realize that you are the reason for your own unhappiness. I can think of two people who are saying, “I’ve been telling her that for years,” but I don’t think I ever really got it. Now it’s sort of funny, in a sad sort of way. I do believe I have problems.
So this is my conversation to myself. Self, freaking relax. Take time for fun, and refreshment. Don’t be so damned dramatic all of the time. Be realistic in what you can do. Your worth is not governed by how many tasks you complete. That’s a hard thing. I have thrown my heart and life into things where, in the end, I wasn’t really wanted. That’s hard, and it’s hard to get over that sense of worthlessness and failure to the core. So. Let’s work on that, shall we? Self?
On another note, there was a total of 10 people at the Wal-Town Party. I had a GREAT time. Thanks to all who came!
Bre
Lots of you probably know that my job has been stressing me out quite a bit lately. Too many things to do, and definitely not enough time or resources. It seems that I don’t have time for breaks, and that I am spinning my wheels lots. So many things to do, and I can’t do them all. It really got me down and stressed me out quite a bit.
Until yesterday.
I have a great boss. One who trusts me, is willing to talk about anything, and who is a pillar of integrity in a very peaceful way. We have been conversing a bit lately about how I have been feeling. On Thursday I told him that things were stressing me out. That there is normally over 400 unread emails in my inbox, that I run around all day trying to take care of Urgent things, that I can’t get to important larger tasks that are on my plate. Everyday I work hard, do my best, but it always feels like I am failing – failing myself, failing the College, and failing my boss. It sucks. And it’s no fun anymore.
So we talked for a bit. He asked me if anybody was complaining – faculty, other staff, students. I thought about it and I said no. He certainly wasn’t complaining about my work. He asked me who was putting pressure on me to do so much. I thought about it and had to say, “nobody. Only myself.” And his answer is, “It sounds like you need to have a conversation with yourself about this. You’re the only one who thinks you’re doing poorly.”
He is a very wise man.
Since that meeting I have been thinking and pondering about this. He’s right. The only one determined to take on my huge workload is myself. There are so many things that are important that need to be done, that nobody else would do it, I think I got into martyr syndrome. Taking one for the College. Making things better, doing things right. But it is impossible. For some reason I have been viewing all of these things as “must do’s,” and I have been driving myself crazy. When I realize that nobody really has demanded that all of my projects even get started, that I have initiated most of these jobs, I feel a bit silly.
I am haunted by feelings and fears of failure. Everyday I think I fail at something, and it feels very bad. How much of it is self-inflicted? It is very startling to realize that you are the reason for your own unhappiness. I can think of two people who are saying, “I’ve been telling her that for years,” but I don’t think I ever really got it. Now it’s sort of funny, in a sad sort of way. I do believe I have problems.
So this is my conversation to myself. Self, freaking relax. Take time for fun, and refreshment. Don’t be so damned dramatic all of the time. Be realistic in what you can do. Your worth is not governed by how many tasks you complete. That’s a hard thing. I have thrown my heart and life into things where, in the end, I wasn’t really wanted. That’s hard, and it’s hard to get over that sense of worthlessness and failure to the core. So. Let’s work on that, shall we? Self?
On another note, there was a total of 10 people at the Wal-Town Party. I had a GREAT time. Thanks to all who came!
Bre
Monday, January 22, 2007
i am far too distracted to write today, so here is a quote that is real to me
I fear the hell that i experience when i forget who i really am. -
alanis morisette
Oh, yes. And the outing tonight. There will be a good group of people (both in quality AND quantity). Yay! If anybody is interested, I will be eating supper beforehand at The Line-Up. They have a "dinner and a movie" deal with the Cinematheque, so that's cool. I'll be there at 5:45ish, if other people are hungry they are more than welcome to hang out. otherwise i'll hang out with oprah, who is also cool and i won't feel at all sad or lonely.
movie starts at 7pm.
bre
alanis morisette
Oh, yes. And the outing tonight. There will be a good group of people (both in quality AND quantity). Yay! If anybody is interested, I will be eating supper beforehand at The Line-Up. They have a "dinner and a movie" deal with the Cinematheque, so that's cool. I'll be there at 5:45ish, if other people are hungry they are more than welcome to hang out. otherwise i'll hang out with oprah, who is also cool and i won't feel at all sad or lonely.
movie starts at 7pm.
bre
Thursday, January 18, 2007
thought of the day . . . and invite
'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.'
Do I fear being poor, in spirit or otherwise, and prefer to be rich in
brains, money, or influence? Is my desire for poverty of spirit
congruent with my lifestyle? Do I use the word of God to rationalize my
lifestyle, or am I willing to have God's word criticize it? Do I cling
to my own ideas, opinions, and judgments sometimes to the point of
idolatry?
- Doris Donnelly
not related (well, it could be. Yes, actually it is related) - I am going to the Cinematheque on Monday evening (cheap night - $4!) to see the movie Wal-Town. Info is to your right. Wanna come? Open invite to all. Perhaps a coffee or a beer at The Line Up afterwards to discuss? i can drive people home afterwards if needed.
I can't promise it will be a good movie, as I haven't seen it. But I can promise to look attractive and I'll try to sound really smart. Really, that's the least that I can do for my friends.
Do I fear being poor, in spirit or otherwise, and prefer to be rich in
brains, money, or influence? Is my desire for poverty of spirit
congruent with my lifestyle? Do I use the word of God to rationalize my
lifestyle, or am I willing to have God's word criticize it? Do I cling
to my own ideas, opinions, and judgments sometimes to the point of
idolatry?
- Doris Donnelly
not related (well, it could be. Yes, actually it is related) - I am going to the Cinematheque on Monday evening (cheap night - $4!) to see the movie Wal-Town. Info is to your right. Wanna come? Open invite to all. Perhaps a coffee or a beer at The Line Up afterwards to discuss? i can drive people home afterwards if needed.
I can't promise it will be a good movie, as I haven't seen it. But I can promise to look attractive and I'll try to sound really smart. Really, that's the least that I can do for my friends.
Monday, January 15, 2007
1998. What a good year.
Man, I’m such a loser. But nothing else gets me going like Skillet’s 1998 album entitled, “Hey, You, I Love Your Soul.” (Really, what kind of an album name is that?) But their worshipful lyrics, simple yet soulful style, get me everytime. I brought the CD to work today and was cranking it (as much as I can) in my office. And I couldn’t help but sing softly to the words, and praise God through that. That was cool, though I closed my door and tried very hard to be unhearable to the general public. Not because I am ashamed of the words or the action of worship, but because I am not musical and can’t really sing.
It’s funny how people protest when I claim I am not musical. This statement surprises them probably just as much as their surprise surprises me. “But you play drum,” they say. Sort of. I have no musical background. I know that A’s, B’s, and C’s have some sort of relevance beyond the Sesame Street spelling type, but I honestly don’t know the difference. I know there is such a thing as keys, but I can’t tell the difference between them. I recently learned what a “false crescendo” is, although I don’t think I can spell it right. Really, when you get right down to it, I hit things. I hit my drum. If that is not available, I hit my chair, or my thighs. (no, I don’t hit babies. Only Chuck Norris does that). I hit things. Sometimes I hit them in a way which is meaningful to me as an offering to Christ. Sometimes I get carried away in this. Sometimes others are blessed through this, which blows me away but is pretty exciting, really.
So there you go. Skillet’s still cool, 9 years later. Worship is such a large sometimes intangible thing, but there are moments where I can grasp ahold of a little part of it, in my office, with my drum, sometimes with other people. That’s cool. Just some thoughts.
Hold me down ‘cause I want to know you
You bring calm to my rage
You are life and I’m thirsting for you
Hold me, hold me, locked in a cage
I love to be caught by you
I wanna be trapped in your arms
Your cage is rest to my bones
Your cage is peace to my soul
Wrapped up inside your arms
Locked up inside you
- Locked in a Cage, Skillet
It’s funny how people protest when I claim I am not musical. This statement surprises them probably just as much as their surprise surprises me. “But you play drum,” they say. Sort of. I have no musical background. I know that A’s, B’s, and C’s have some sort of relevance beyond the Sesame Street spelling type, but I honestly don’t know the difference. I know there is such a thing as keys, but I can’t tell the difference between them. I recently learned what a “false crescendo” is, although I don’t think I can spell it right. Really, when you get right down to it, I hit things. I hit my drum. If that is not available, I hit my chair, or my thighs. (no, I don’t hit babies. Only Chuck Norris does that). I hit things. Sometimes I hit them in a way which is meaningful to me as an offering to Christ. Sometimes I get carried away in this. Sometimes others are blessed through this, which blows me away but is pretty exciting, really.
So there you go. Skillet’s still cool, 9 years later. Worship is such a large sometimes intangible thing, but there are moments where I can grasp ahold of a little part of it, in my office, with my drum, sometimes with other people. That’s cool. Just some thoughts.
Hold me down ‘cause I want to know you
You bring calm to my rage
You are life and I’m thirsting for you
Hold me, hold me, locked in a cage
I love to be caught by you
I wanna be trapped in your arms
Your cage is rest to my bones
Your cage is peace to my soul
Wrapped up inside your arms
Locked up inside you
- Locked in a Cage, Skillet
Thursday, January 11, 2007
change the world . . . naked
life has gotten so cool that you can change the world through the comfort of your home, dressed in any way you want, with just a few finger strokes.
Check out (and sign, if you feel so moved) this online Action.
Tell Starbucks to Give Ethiopian Farmers Their Fair Share
Check out (and sign, if you feel so moved) this online Action.
Tell Starbucks to Give Ethiopian Farmers Their Fair Share
Monday, January 08, 2007
par-tay
all of you humans who missed out on the Star Trek party missed a good time. A whopping 3 people showed up. (One of them was 11 months old, but she still counts). I took a picture so you could bemoan your absence:
apologies to Dave who was pasted quite badly, and also looks like he is being wripped apart by a Horta.
Zac was unfortunatly not able to come, but was there in spirit, hence his spiritual presence in the upper corner. We missed you, buddy.
Sucks to be everybody else who's not in the picture.
Bre
apologies to Dave who was pasted quite badly, and also looks like he is being wripped apart by a Horta.
Zac was unfortunatly not able to come, but was there in spirit, hence his spiritual presence in the upper corner. We missed you, buddy.
Sucks to be everybody else who's not in the picture.
Bre
Saturday, January 06, 2007
star trek marathon
happening tomorrow (sunday) at a revised time - 2 pm to 10 pm. this allows me some family time in the morning. dave and janie are coming - you know you have true friends when they watch crappy 90's sci fi episodes with you in your dungeon apartment. thanks, friends. anybody else want to come, you are welcome!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
not about christmas
apologies to my readership - i was not able to post over christmas due to a crippling lack of internet access.
some news. Due to some very lucky pharoahs, I now own the complete Star Trek The Next Generation series on DVD. Call me a geek, but this pleases me.
I am declaring a ST TNG marathon - the best episode of each season played on the hour from 12-7 pm at my house. perhaps sunday the 7th? i know i will probably be alone in my marathon-ness, but any closet geeks are invited. feel free to come in disguise so that nobody recognizes you. Don't worry, its east kildonan, so no respectable people will be around to see your secret shame.
i'm serious. i think i'm doing it. Wear your uniform and bring your bat'leh. Gagh will be served, don't worry.
Oh, yeah. Action of the week: Save The Court Challenges Program of Canada. The Conservative Government has decided to cancel this national program. Want to do something about it? Click the link above.
Later, friends.
Bre
some news. Due to some very lucky pharoahs, I now own the complete Star Trek The Next Generation series on DVD. Call me a geek, but this pleases me.
I am declaring a ST TNG marathon - the best episode of each season played on the hour from 12-7 pm at my house. perhaps sunday the 7th? i know i will probably be alone in my marathon-ness, but any closet geeks are invited. feel free to come in disguise so that nobody recognizes you. Don't worry, its east kildonan, so no respectable people will be around to see your secret shame.
i'm serious. i think i'm doing it. Wear your uniform and bring your bat'leh. Gagh will be served, don't worry.
Oh, yeah. Action of the week: Save The Court Challenges Program of Canada. The Conservative Government has decided to cancel this national program. Want to do something about it? Click the link above.
Later, friends.
Bre
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