essence

Last week I watched the film "Everything is Illuminated" with a very small group of people. The first half of the movie was honestly one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. I laughed so hard, I even did my famous cackle. It was "premium."
The second half was significantly more intense, emotional, and sad. It was deep. Sometimes too deep for me or my boss or other people in the group who tried to understand what the heck happened at certain parts. But it was very good and very enjoyable and I would like other people to see it so that I could quote all of the funnyness like Napoleon Dynamite and so we could all laugh together. Sammy David Jr. Jr.?

Afterwards we had a discussion - the movie was about a young Jewish man who was trying to dig into his family history. Lots of stuff about the Nazis, and lots of painful memories of people. During the discussion an individual said, and I use these quotes loosely, "The essence of Christianity is believing, while the essence of Judaism is remembering." I believe he was quoting a rabbai friend of his, which hopefully gives this more credibility.

This made me ponder a lot and has made me feel very jealous towards Judaism. The essense of Christianity is believing - that is very true. But honestly, sometimes that sucks. Or that is a very frustrating and struggling thing for me. To have something so intangible, something that can at times be so plagued with doubt that you doubt its very credibility, that it is very hard sometimes to find meaning in believing something which you cannot see. There are often days, weeks, - sometimes significantly longer, which I try so hard to find something meaningful in this world in the lens of Christianity and of Christ, and I cannot. The purpose of pain and suffering in this world is one which plagues me because the point of it seems so "out there," so intangibly hard to grasp in light of our (and, most especially, friends and family's) mortality. I used to be able to see meaning in pain for the purpose of character building, soul building, but since J's death this has been hard and I have become cynical about this. It is hard to hold onto hope and hard to find value in something that seems so utterly unnecesary.

i think spelled that wrong.

I envy Judaism. To have an essence in remembering - to be able to point to that for meaning, to find value and, to a point, salvation, in remembering the past - that i can see is very significant. very poignant, and very powerful. Also very much more excitingly tangible. I personally can see very much significance, power, and meaningfulness in this essence.

anybody like heathen music?

I have an extra ticket for Powerball on Thursday (Theory of a Dead Man, 3 Days Grace, and some other groups I don't care about). Wanna come? Or know somebody who wants to come? (I can make friends, pretty easily. They won't even have to talk to me. Just buy me a corn dog and I'll be happy). Email me or post a comment if you don't have my email addy, or if you merely are a strange person who doesn't know me but wants to get in on this.
bre

ramblings . . . not even good ones

First of all, kudos to Dave for beating me to a posting on the Easy Answer Squirrel. Check out Wondercafe, and click on the squirrel on the lower right. Awesome. Also, if you are bold enough, check out the print ads (click on “Ad Campaign”). They are wonderfully disturbing.

Onto other things. Some weeks it is hard to find something to post on, but this week it is far too easy. I am quite stressed out and as such don’t think that I am physically able to put much feelings into words, at least not effectively. So I will choose one of the simplest thoughts I have had this week and try to be coherant – hopefully my thoughts on the rest will sustain until I actually have time to devote to writing about them.

During my weekly SCM group at the U of M, we were speaking about lots of issues – liberation theology, human rights, peace – the normal good stuff. We were also speaking about choices, that there are so many choices out there, so many choices, both good and bad, to make which help or harm people (or help or harm ourselves). Sometimes it is difficult to make a descent choice – even when the shades of good and back are pretty starkly black and white. Then one of the individuals said something along the lines of “We have already made our decision on what we are going to. We decided to follow Jesus. That’s it.” That was pretty cool. It is funny to think about how many things that I struggle with – how many things that I toy with what to do – when, if I am truthful to my testimony, I have already decided about long ago. It’s a funny, and even liberating way to think about life. Should I forgive this person? That’s not even a question. I decided years ago that I would follow Jesus. Following Jesus means living a life of forgiveness. I think the hardest questions in terms of this fall around issues which are a bit grey, especially those which mostly affects me and not anybody else. The biggest issues for me lately in this respect is, “should I keep pursuing this faith?” “should I keep striving to become closer to Christ?” “should I keep pursuing justice even though it seems so useless and it doesn’t seem to make any difference?” “should I do my best to follow Jesus today?” Yes. I made up my mind about these a long time ago. It’s silly to even come back to them – I gave that answer years ago, I made up my mind long ago. I will pursue Jesus. I will strive to become more like Him in my attitudes, spirit, and behaviors. Frick, that’s hard. But beautiful. And that’s cool.

2 important things . . .

Check out "The Wuzzles" blog - you can find their link under "Links" (I know, I am creative) on the right hand side. You can see my stellar Care Bear birthday cake there! Thanks, all for the great birthday parties from this last week!

Thought for the week: "It needs to start feeling strange when you flush the toilet with water that you could be drinking." - Anna Weier (Geez Magazine, Summer 2006) In light of severe water shortages worldwide and the upcoming water crisis, it has started feeling strange to me already. Anybody have any thoughts on this? I don't have the time or energy to expand today, but "they" say that the wars of the future will be fought over water . . .

The Council of Canadians (of which I am a proud member) has lots of info on Water privitization, water as a human right, Canada's water policy, etc, if you want to read up a bit on water issues, if I haven't already preached enough to you personally.

Bre

26 on 31

"it's a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life."

I think that is from a Michael Buble song, but I'm not sure. nevertheless, it has been in my head for the last few days.

today i am 26. and have decided to start my new life today. to make not only new life resolutions, but a whole new beginning.

This is cool. I don't quite know what this means, honestly, and I accept the fact that it may only last about 2 more hours. but i have decided to step forward starting today, to look at the past not as something to be continually longed for, but more as a guideline, a "lonely planet" as to how I want to live out my future. to be thankful for experiences which, though may have turned sour, were really really good at that moment and deserve to be cherished. to look back with fondness at my relationships with very good people, and to focus on that and not the sometimes devestating loss of these relationships and these people in my life. to go with the flow more, to practice experiencing joy, not take myself or life too seriously when life does not warrant it, and to take myself super seriously when the moment demands it - when there is injustice, when there is oppression, when things which are urgent but unimportant take precedence over things which are important but non-urgent. To see how much more important it is to appreciate a sunset, a game of puppet show, the beauty of a quiet moment, to see how much more important these things are than other urgent silly things such as work deadlines, car maintenance - to focus on my goals, to really prioritize what is truly important, to love and serve God with my entire life and to continue the dance that we have started so many years ago.

I realize this is very abstract. sorry about this.

I am committed to the following:
1. Being less dramatic. That is, not to heighten situations to points where they should not be heightened, and not looking for negative attention through unnecessary drama.
2. Simplifying my life. In terms of possessions, but mostly in terms of my schedule. I have no idea how I am going to fix my crazy schedule problem. But I am committed to a life ethos of focusing on the important, even though at the time there may be more urgent but unimportant tasks. Please help me figure this out.
3. To be myself, passionately and unashamedly. To see truth - to love myself as a true creation of God with wonderful gifts, abilities, and attributes. To find a balance between challenging myself to become more and to grow yet embrace the person who i am at that moment. To allow myself the grace to continue when i fall. To "go with the flow" a bit more (that one's for you, Odes).


I will fail at these, for sure. But that's ok - its a process and i think new lives take a bit of practice, so its all good. any help from my friends is greatly appreciated (I have the BEST friends, by the way. They are all stellar, and I am truly blessed).

Happy Birthday to me,
Bre

my hair is purple

once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a beautiful princess named bre. bre's kingdom was not extremely wealthy, so she did not have stores of gold, scads of bmw's, or rooms full of mac computers (she did, however, live in a great country and was among the wealthiest 25% of the entire world, so really she was pretty well off). Princess Bre always struggled with wanting things. Worse off, she struggled with being owned by her possessions. One day she realized that this was a major problem, and she tried hard to curb her expenditures, focus on paying off her debt, and try to realize a rich life without silly things like dvd sets, laptop computers, and a nice car (well, the car was a mistake).

She struggled and struggled and struggled with wanting lots and lots of things. And then she got to a point where she was able to let go of wanting bigger and better possessions. And this was great. And sometimes she was able to make it past an HMV without feeling like she NEEDED to go in. And it was literally 3 months since she logged onto Ebay. She was making headway. Yay for Princess Bre! She is conquering consumerism!

unfortunately, as in all fairy tales, bad things happened. Princess Bre was having a birthday. It is tradition that every year Princess Bre allows herself to buy something fun that she would not normally purchase. This year was different, though. "I honestly don't want anything," said Princess Bre. "There is nothing really that I desire that is under $100." This seemed curious to her, but she was happy about this, as it meant that her addiction to consumerism was getting better.

She did, however, walk past the music store. "That's it!" she said. "I would love to buy myself a new drum!" This she thought was useful as she could buy herself a smaller drum that could be brought along on camping trips or other places which it would be useful, but awkward to take her big drum.

A few days later she walked past the UM bookstore. "That's it!" she said. "I would love a UM sweatshirt!" Then she thought of how much she would like a UW sweatshirt. Then she thought about how sweet it would be to get a DVD recorder, some cool 80's cartoon paraphanalia (because she doesn't have enough), a star trek dvd set, a new vcr before they stop making them, a popcorn maker, a shelf unit, some cool books, a new bed tent (just kidding), a kicking new journal, a blender, a descent pot set, a kangaroo, more muppet figures, and a subsciption to Oprah magazine.

Suddenly Princess Bre was not so content with her life. There were so many things that she desired, and felt that she could NOT live without. she NEEDS all of these things to be a happy person.

And then Princess Bre realized that she messed up a pretty good thing, and fell right back into her problem of wanting and wanting and desiring so many things. "Stupid birthday," said Princess Bre. "It ruined my life." Princess Bre is a very dramatic individual. However, she is also highly attractive and very determined to always grow, and she was confident that she would be able to beat this returned desire for consumption. Someday.

The end.



p.s. Wednesday is election day. Please, please, please vote. i don't care who you vote for, just vote (well, i do care, but that's my problem).

p.p.s. Due to popular demand, there is now a "cool winnipeg-ness" section at the right of your screen. No, the right. Look over there --> Yes! There it is. This will be constantly updated. Fun.

p.p.p.s. don't forget the "take some sweet action" links under the cool winnipeg-ness and change the world with me and lots of other people who super care about justice, the earth, and the importance of giving everybody a fair chance.

adios!

High Efficiency Worship

Check out this article:

High Efficiency Worship

It appears in my favorite magazine, Geez. Info on Geez can be found on the webpage.

Let the world know what you think - leave a comment!
bre

whoa! two posts in one week!

I just want to make everybody aware of an event coming up this friday entitled

OPERATION BLESS OUR ENEMIES: A religious gathering to coincide with the opening of the Franklin Graham Festival.

Friday, October 20, at 5:15 p.m. at Knox United Church (400 Edmonton Street, 1 1/2 blocks north of Portage Place).

Background information on this can be found online at http://geezmagazine.org/blessourenemies.


I am not endorsing this event, as I haven't really gotten a real chance to research these issues. But I highly respect the organizers of this event, so will be researching myself as to what I think about all of this.

CNN does quote Franklin Graham as saying the following: (emphasis mine)

Graham: And this may sound rough, Judy, but we need to use every weapon in our arsenal that need be to defeat this enemy. And I don't think we should hold back. And we'll make a great mistake if we hold back our technology and hold back our weapons and put young men and women in there and sacrifice them because we're scared to use some of our major weapons. And I think we're going to have to use every -- and I hate to say it, hellish weapon in our inventory, if need be, to defeat these people.
WOODRUFF: Do you really believe that the American people are prepared now to have young Americans die?

GRAHAM: No. But I think they're prepared to stop this, and not to put our young men needlessly or our young women needlessly. And yes, there may be some young men and women whose lives may be lost, and I pray not. And that's why I think we need to use these weapons that we have, and not our young men and not our young women and just sacrifice them as (UNINTELLIGIBLE). But let's use the weapons we have, the weapons of mass destruction if need be and destroy the enemy.


This makes me sad, as I am (was?) a big fan of Franklin Graham and of Samaritan's Purse. I will be doing more research on this, but wanted to throw that out there.

the never-ending treasure hunt

Man, kids are cool.

This is my nephew. He is fun.




















This is my other nephew. He is fun, too, but this story is not about him. But I want him to have his picture on the internet, ‘cause he’s cute.





Seth is 4 years old. Sometimes he is sweet, sometimes he is fun, sometimes he is a terror, and sometimes he whines. But mostly he is sweet and fun and I adore him.

I was sort of shamed to discover something this week. I often play with him – usually cars, or treasure hunt, or puppet show, or some other game that he likes that day or that is around. I have played with him unnumerable times during his short life, and especially now that I live downstairs from him.

Last week he came down to play, and instead of normally rushing through play time like I would normally do because there is something else I should be getting to, I really took time, sat down with him, and really played WITH him. For, I think, the first time in his young life. I came down to his level, gave him as much attention possible, and really tried to understand him and play and explore instead of rushing through things, or going through the motions of the treasure hunt without actually engaging him through it. OK. Treasure hunt time. I will just follow you and try to pretend to be surprised when we find the treasure though I know exactly where it is because you hid it in the same place the last 6 treasure hunts we went on in the last 30 minutes.

We sat down together. And we PLAYED. And it was cool. Though sometimes I thought I would go insane because we did the same puppet show about 18 times over and he would be upset at me if I would change the smallest part of the puppet show - innate repetition seems to be one of his favorite things in the world. But I really tried to focus on the joy in his eyes and really tried to be excited about spiderman saving Lightning McQueen from certain death over and over and over and over and over again. To play with him – to not just go through the required motions, to be there in that moment fully and completely, like there is NOTHING else in the world as important as saving Lightning McQueen even though he is dumb enough to drive himself into another dangerous situation. To really have that be the most important thing in the world, and not be thinking about what else I SHOULD be doing. That’s cool. And radical, even. And I am a bit ashamed that I was playing with him so often in ways that were not really meaningful.

He’s very smart. He knows when people are listening, when they are not, when they are engaged, and when their mind is somewhere else. So I am trying to really, whenever he comes downstairs to play, to put aside WHATEVER I am doing to really just BE with him. And this is cool. And it seems that he is coming downstairs more often, and simply the amount of eye contact we have, our smiles and giggles together, have increased. And I wonder why I was so dumb that I didn’t realize that I was robbing him of my complete and whole attention before.

Sorry, Monkey. Sorry for wasting so much time, and for disrespecting your need for real connection and real engagement when we play puppet show and treasure hunt. I look forward to many more puppet shows and treasure hunts in the future. Love you!

Auntie Tootsie

Fair Trade Manitoba

*****UPDATED OCTOBER 11th*****
I found the Fair Trade Manitoba Webpage! Info on becoming a member can be found here (click on "about us" and then scroll to the near bottom). Membership is FREE!


On October 17th at 7 pm in Eckhardt-Grammate Hall in the University of Winnipeg, there will be a film screening of Black Gold: Wake up and Smell the Coffee as well as the official public launch of Fair Trade Manitoba.

I am proud to say that I am a member of Fair Trade Manitoba - an action network promoting awareness of, and support for, fair trade issues among Manitobans. Issues of economic justice are very important to me and I am excited about this new organization. If you are at all interested in these issues, I encourage you to come out. The fee is $5 - $3 for students. I will definitly be there! Let me know if you are coming so we can hang out. Feel free to click the Black Gold link to see a preview of the movie.

Peace,
Bre

a little break . . . mostly

my blog has been so serious lately. here's just some random thoughts and things which have been on my mind. not too serious today, which i think is needed, at least for myself.

First, the regal catalogue. i got this in the mail, and there are some fun things in there. First:


This is a cute picture, and it wouldn't be so bad, but the caption beneath it says: Now your dog can be warm AND stylish! Really, come on. Now I not only feel guilty for not being stylish myself, I feel guilty that my dog isn't stylish and will be made fun of by all of the other cooler dogs. Sick! Even worse, I don't have a dog to make stylish!




Way to go, Regal. This haircut guy is awesome. Lookit how happy he is!



On another note - i am truly and completly blessed. I was with a bunch of people, good people who i appreciate and enjoy muchly, and we were doing visualization exercises about when we really felt loved. I was thinking and was trying to pick from all of the times running around in my brain - when Janie sat with me in my tent, when ernie bought me a fringe pass, when odie makes me supper, when my mom tells me about her funny and fascinating life. I was astounded and floored when I realized that not everybody shares this experience, and that it is a struggle for some to think of one specific time which they felt completly loved. This has been such a part of my family and my friendships and of my college experience i think i have just taken it for granted. this re-kindles a passion in me, at least mildly, to love people as i have been loved, by Christ and by Christ through others. This used to be my passion, but has lately been taken over by a need for self-protection and basic fear of giving to people. i think i am on the way back . . . albeit slowly. There is such a need to share real, unconditional love to people that everybody needs. someday i will be able to do that again, i hope. i pray.

lastly, i found a great quote/passage which directly answers my question of my last post (a big thanks to all who commented on this post, by the way. Comments are awesome!). This passage has given me unspeakable peace. Problem is, some people consider this author to be pretty much a heretic. i don't, though. And since she is long gone, the text is public domain. Sweet! No danger of being sued! Here it is:


"The continual seeking of the soul pleaseth God full greatly: for it may do no more than seek, suffer and trust. And this is wrought in the soul that hath it, by the Holy Ghost; and the clearness of finding, it is of His special grace, when it is His will. The seeking, with faith, hope, and charity, pleaseth our Lord, adn the finding pleaseth the soul and fulfilleth it with joy. And thus I was learned, to mine understanding, that seeking is as good as beholding, for the time that He will suffer the soul to be in travail. It is God's will that we seek Him, to the beholding of Him, for by that He shall shew us Himself of His special grace when He will. And how a soul shall have Him in its beholding, He shall teach Himself, and that is most worship to Him and profit to thyself, an d(the soul thus) most receiveth of meekness and virtues with the grace and leading of the Holy Ghost. For a soul that only fasteneth itself on to God with very trust, either by seeking or in beholding, it is the most worship that it may do to Him."
- Julian of Norwich

???

Lately I have been wondering if I am on the wrong track. My desire is to serve God – in a way which is true to both his and my own character. Am I doing that? Have I gone off of the wrong track?

I think of how different I am now than I was 2 years ago. I think of how my passions have changed – my time and how I live my life looks very different now than it once did. Two years ago the church was my life. I gave it everything that I had. Outreach, for the purpose of introducing people to the character of Christ was utmost in my heart, mind, and prayers. I was excited to see others discover this God that I had discovered. I was excited to pursue God in ways which really encouraged creativity (and sometimes some silly off-the-wall-ness). I knocked on doors to understand how best the church could serve its community, and I just really really wanted to love people and to show them the great life and freedom that can be found in Christ.

Things are different now. I am passionate – but the thought of outreach for the pure purpose of introducing people to Christ makes me uncomfortable. I see much value in other religions and other spiritual practices. I have met and prayed with a number of Godly people who do not necessarily know the person of Christ, or at least not Christ as Savior. My passion is to see good done in the world – to fight oppression, to stand for justice. My passion is still to help and encourage others to pursue God in creative and unique ways which fit their unique creation, yet I am now very open that this pursuit and this worship of God can sincerely and powerfully occur outside of the region of Christiantiy.

At the risk of sounding too Oprah-ish I believe that God has grace, and that people can pursue him in so many different ways, including religions, which gives me great peace and excitement. It is great to see people find God in different places.

This is so different. And at times it haunts me. My semi-fundamentalist upbringing screams at me that Christ is the only way – that Christianity is the only way – that personal salvation is of utmost importance and that everything else is secondary. Yet in my pursuit of God in the last little while, this is not where God has taken me. I do believe that I have been sincere in following God to this point. I do believe that there is no other place that I can be right now.

But at times I question whether this journey is merely a reaction to some bad church-ness stuff in the past. Or if I am mistaking my own thoughts about justice and what is right for the Holy Spirit’s leading. How can I tell if I am lead by my own desires, or God’s desires?

another lifechanger. these can get tiring.

while sort of attending a workshop this weekend (that is, before i left that to attend Pukefest 2006. Too much information, I know), the girl two chairs over from me said something which was very poignant and which struck both Ernie and I significantly.

Although I did not have the mind to write it down directly, it was something along these lines:

"Every dollar that you spend is a vote for the future that you want."

Isn't that stellar? The power of it comes in its truthfulness. As consumers, we have so much power which I don't think that we even realize. In essence, me buying a specific product is me telling that company that specific product is valuable to me, that I accept the terms under which I purchased it, and that I accept the practices of the store which I purchased it at. And, more importantly, I am telling them that I want them to make more in the exact same way.

This means that, in essence, I voted for and supported the business and production of the following things this last week:
1) Staples Busines Depot, a shop with generally bad service and generally low wages, which I overlooked due to the low prices.
2) Sprite and the Coca-Cola company in general. Though this purchase was made at a time of illness-induced delirium, I still take responsibility for it. Coke does not have the best reputation Internationally in treating people well.
3) To be fair to myself and give me some fuzzy-wuzzies, I did purchase some organic bananas visited Harry's Foods, and chose to eat out at Prairie Ink Cafe, a restaurant with strong Winnipeg roots and a commitment to fresh non-processed food.
4) to again be fair to myself, I did purchase a sweater which I am pretty sure was made by a 5 year old child in Indonesia.

I am embarassed at most of these.

Do you think Staples or Coke is going to sue me? If they do, they should know that I don't have much money. Anyway, continuing on . . .

So yet AGAIN, because I apparantly don't always get these things right, I am re-affirming my commitment to building a better world. This time specifically by voting with my money.

I choose to vote for a world in which corporations accept and take seriously their social responsibility. I choose to vote for a world in which businesses are localized, run by the people which they serve, and offer living wages. I choose to vote for a world which places people before profit. I choose to vote for a world which includes having Johnny Depp sunbathe on my front lawn (just kidding). I choose to vote for a world which does not employ child labour. I choose to vote for a world in which all people are respected, and all people have access to clean water, healthy food, and health care. And I choose to vote for this with my wallet, although it is at times difficult and significantly more expensive.

What world do you choose to vote for?

i have hit a new low

years ago i promised myself i would never ever ever live in a basement. this is due mainly to my fear of spiders. in case you never made the connection, spiders really really really like basements.

Well, due to financial reasons and a handsome, godly, incredible man running away with my best friend, i am now living in my brother's basement. which is at times cursed with the odd spider. the biggest problem here is when i am trying to fall asleep i always feel them crawling on me and i freak out. i have devised an ingenious (i think) solution to this problem. All summer i have slept in a bed on my tent.



spread the word! it works, although i can't really fully stretch out. but sometimes i can pretend i am just camping outside which is mostly fun until the bears try to eat me (and others who happen to be around). But besides the being eaten by bears part, things are pretty good.


later,

by the way, i have added a "take some sweet action" section to the sidebar. I'll be posting some easy ways you can take action to promote some uber-important peace and justice issues. feel free (and feel encouraged) to click away!
bre

geeky

It is official. I am a geek.

There are 2 things which happened to me in the last 24 hours which really excited me. I mean, giddy excited. Like a little schoolgirl. They are:

1. Standing in line at the U of M. Yep, standing in line. Made me giddy. I got to pretend that I was again a full-time student. There is NOTHING better than being a full-time student. There was such a buzz of energy around, so much excitement. A huge line-up at Tim Hortons. Freshmen with a mixed look of terror and confusion. The smell of academia in the air. Good deal. It made me very happy.

2. Roller Coaster Tycoon. Yes, like other areas of my life including my clothing and musical preference, I am also 8 years behind everybody else in my choice of video games. I stayed home yesterday because I felt ill. I tried to hard to do something productive but my basic discomfort coupled with my prescription medication made that nearly impossible. It was honestly a feat to walk to the kitchen sink. So I was forced to whittle my time away exploring this “new” game Roller Coaster Tycoon. It is so fun. I made this great little park and finally got everything to a point where it was smooth and all of my guests were happy. Is that strange that I get a great feeling when I think of the good times these fake computer people are having at my park? I even kept my entrance fee low. My nephew was really annoyed and that and told me constantly to up my fees. But then I told him that if I did that the low-income computer people wouldn’t be able to come and then everybody at the poor computer orphanage wouldn’t be able to have fun at my great park. I thought this was pretty straightforward. Until he reminded me that these people don’t really exist, and I am really not helping anybody. Still, I have not raised my park admission price. I have yet to decide if this is really cool of me or really pathetic. I’ll let you know when I make a judgement call on that one.

Mennonites are Great

Check out this article:

The Economics of Shalom


Let me know what you think . . .
Bre

soapiness

Another excerpt from Girl Meets God.

Again, it is very hard to reduce a linkage of thoughts of another into a short succinct paragraph. But I will try. Here Lauren speaks of her friend’s marriage, and what it means to her.

“I look at Hannah and I am . . . jealous because I believe that marriage is a school of sanctification . . . I have seen clearly the holy work done in Hannah and Jim’s home this year. Being stuck with each other, being forced to stumble through her (affair) and his heartbreak, has made them better spouses and better Christians . . . God has been who he said he would be “He will be like a refiner’s fire or a launderer’s soap.” . . . He has used their marriage as soap.
I praise God for his soapiness, and then I get so jealous that I think I might literally start to see green. It is the old question, the pathetic question: Why them, Lord? Why them and not me? . . .
I try to picture watching her being pregnant . . . I try to picture the baby shower . . . I try, while I picture these things, to picture myself being happy for Hannah, and I can’t. I can’t imagine feeling happy. I just feel jealous and pathetic and lame. I feel miserable . . . like a bad, selfish person, so uncharitable that I can’t summon even a shade of joy when my friends do great joyful things like have babies. . . .
Later, in the shower, I get it. I get that Hannah’s pregnancy is my own school of sanctification. God is sanctifying Jim and Hannah through marriage and parenthood, but He is not just blessing them and leaving me out in the unblessed cold . He is using my ridiculous jealousy and my endless self-pity to sanctify me . . . He is using that baby shower to somehow grow me into the person He wants me to be.”
- Lauren F. Winner, “Girl Meets God,” Colorado Springs, CO, Shaw Books: 2002.

Sanctification. Soapiness. It is a struggle to see my struggles as soapiness. Once I was able to, but now this seems sufficiently more difficult considering the numerous deaths I have witnessed this past little while. I am unsure as to the value of being cleaned and sanctified when death is an imminent reality. It seems so futile.

But I digress. Back to the issue at hand.

I wonder about the events in my life and whether they were intended as a sanctification school for me. And I think about how I have approached these – some I have embraced as opportunities to grow. Some I have cursed and resented. There are so many possibilities which overwhelm me. What is God trying to use to clean me? My job? My living situation? My stupid new car? My relationships with people who have hurt me? My jealousy of my friend’s attentions which are no longer focused on me? My unhealthy view of my place in other’s lives? My bus rides? The dog who lives upstairs? My pen which exploded yesterday? How far does this reach?

I don’t know. But I will try to know. And that is always a fun journey.

But now this is my biggest challenge. This has added another dimension to my perpetual cycle of struggle – now I struggle with my struggling with struggles, if you can follow that. Is this struggle in itself a method of sanctification as well? I believe so, which is encouraging. Now I have decided to take steps to deal with my hurts and my pains, with the real possibility of more hurts and pain looming over me almost daily in terms of my medical health.

I am fearful that with these new health developments that I will again forget and spiral downwards into a heartless oblivion. It is my intent to become healthy again. To get myself again in that position where I approach God in a humble and gracious manner whether I am seriously ill or whether I am seriously healthy. And that is my struggle. And that is my goal. And this is my attempt at embracing my sanctification schooling. I have even become so cheesy as to hide little “remember what you goals are” post-it notes around my office and around my room. It is my commitment to try hard to re-orient myself to my God. And through that to allow myself to be soaped. Cleansed. And sanctified.

ponder ponder ponder

One of the best gifts I received this last Christmas was a poster entitled “How to Build Global Community.” My wonderful friends Dave, Janie, and their then-unborn superchild Corrina gave it to me. They got it from Ten Thousand Villages (yay!)

It has been a great thing to hang on my wall in my office and ponder over. Ponder ponder ponder. Lately I have been pondering over the second point on this how-to list, which says “Don’t confuse your comfort with your safety.”

At first I really didn’t get this, although it sure sounded good and poetic and powerful and I felt freaking smart and activist-like having it hang on my wall. But over time I have begun to understand what is going on in this little line and it is outstanding. So much so that I have tried to intentionally make this statement impact my life and influence the way that I live.

Don’t confuse your comfort with your safety. How many times have I used that excuse – I don’t feel safe – to cross the street from a particularly offensive looking panhandler? From somebody rifling through a trash bin? How often have I walked the long way around downtown just so that I don’t have to walk down Spence or Balmoral? Or stood at certain bus shelters instead of others? I think that I have very often confused my comfort with my safety, and have used the “I don’t feel safe here” excuse in order to cover up my simple discomfort with a certain situation or certain people.

So why do I feel unsafe? Is it because the environment is unsafe and that person on the corner is going to hassle me? Or is it simply because I am uncomfortable? Is it because I do not have control – that I did not choose this person to be there asking me for money. That I did not choose to consort with these people who obviously had too much alcohol. It is more likely that I am merely uncomfortable. When I think back to all of the situations where I felt unsafe there is only a slight few which any real action was taken against my safety, and these actions have always been relatively minor. My feelings stemmed only from the presence of another who seemed different than those whom I normally choose to consort with. And that is my problem, I believe.

Being a woman, I have been taught to always be careful around strange men who are “different” in any way – in dress, smell, ethnicity. I do not believe that this has been taught as an intentially racist statement, but it does reflect general Winnipeg values of who the “good” and who the “dangerous” people are on the street. A drunk white woman is far less dangerous than the same-sized drunk woman of another ethnicity. No matter how much I am convinced I am not a racist, these truths of my beliefs come into play when walking around downtown. And I am ashamed of them.

But this is a slippery slope. At what point should I respond to a feeling of un-safety? Certainly some situations are dangerous. And not listening to my inner voice of caution could be quite dangerous and have severe consequences. I think I just need to practice a bit more on telling the difference between a truly dangerous situation and a merely uncomfortable one.

Just some random thoughts.

i know. its childish...

but funny. janie and i had a great time the other day letting spiderman free into the world. some of our misadventures are below.

by the way, those of you who are fearful of the comment box. this may be a good chance to stretch your wings. use a fake name even, i don't care. comments are fun!
bre

a confession

I have just completed reading a stellar book. One which has crept into my top 2 favorite books of all time. (Well, top 3 because I guess I have to stick the Bible in there somewhere. Just kidding.) I have finished it and now have to return it to its rightful owner and therefore the next few posts will revolve around some responses to this book before it leaves my pretty little hands.

This is my first post. Some background which is essential - This book, Girl Meets God, written by Lauren F. Winner (Shaw Books, Colorado Springs, CO: 2002), tells of the story and struggles which Lauren deals with as she becomes Christian after converting to Orthodox Judaism.

I recommend it highly. Especially for females. Anyway . . . this struck me when I first read it:

Sometimes divorce is the only thing to do. Sometimes it is the more loving thing to do. Sometimes, you have to do it. But before you divorce, you try every imaginable avenue to stay married. You quit your affair. You find a good marriage counselor. You tell your husband everything you should have told him three years ago .. . and then you get down on your knees and you ask the Lord to help you forgive your husband, and you remind all of your friends who witnessed your wedding that they witnessed it and are supposed to hold you to the promises you made, and you do anything else you can think of to save your marriage.
To further the analogy: I had married Judaism and then I had an affair with a foreign God, another religion, I took another lover. And I realized I was in love with that other lover, and I wrung my hands for a while. I struggled through my own inner turmoil and angst and then I handed my shocked husband divorce papers, threw my stuff into some empty cardboard boxes, and moved out, setting up house with my new love before an even passably decent interval elapsed.
I did not do what I should have done. I never once sat my husband down and told him the cold, hard truth, that I had fallen in love with someone else but I wanted to try to make this marriage work and what, exactly, were we going to do about it? Not one conversation. I never said a word to Rabbi M. about Jesus. Nothing to Beth, no discussions at all. I never said, I made that mikvah pledge and I am failing and I need you to help me.
The marriage analogy cuts both ways. My husband was not really a hapless dope. Those divorce papers were not the first hint of my affair. There were the unexplained absences at dinnertime, the strange men calling on the phone, the lipstick stains on collars and the otherwise inexplicable cycles of ecstasy and depression: glowingly happy when I'd seen my paramour, morose to end the world when I hadn't.
I doubt Beth or Tova or my rabbi suspected I was out on the town with Jesus, but they knew, all of them, that I was around less and less. That I was going to shul less frequently, that I was spending Friday nights lingering over Shabbat dinner less often . . . I doubt any of them thought I was filling my shul time with church, but they knew I was filling it with something, and none of them ever said anything. None of them ever said, Hey, just checking up on you. Is something up? Is something the matter? Or, harsher, Lauren, you know shul. You really
need to be there. I was part of their religious body; saying those things was their job.
So now I tell all of these words to Beth . . . The words spill out fast with anger . . . I want her to have tried to hold me to those promises . . . to have said something, to have asked me why I wasn't doing what I said I would do. It want her to have done the rude, invasive thing, the hard thing. I want her to have read my own words back to me and to have stood there in the silence till I somehow had to respond.
- Lauren Winner

I read this section about a month and a half ago, and I had marked it to respond to later. I had all of these thoughts in my head about blogging this, interacting with it, and pleading with my friends to hold me accountable to my faith in Christ which seemed to be slipping away so uncontrollably.

I had delayed writing this blog, due mostly to my fear of transporting this book to my workplace and somehow wrecking it in the process. (I have a huge fear of destroying other people’s paperback books. One which is valid because in the transport a teeny corner of this book got damaged. SICK! Sorry, Kara!) So there is much of a delay, and my situation and place in life and faith has changed a bit. However, I would still like to send a plea to my friends, albeit a little differen than what was first conceived.

Life changes quickly. And faith seems to change quickly, which confuses me, but I think that the core stays the same. My journey is not completely the same as Lauren’s. No affair or luring from anybody or anything - I had have many conversations with Jesus about friends and he was not kept in the dark. Many friends have conversed with me about important matters of faith, and I appreciate their boldness and courage in this. Thank you, friends. I know that I have a great family of support and care for my spiritual well-being.

I do ask that you would keep it up. That you would feel free and encouraged to ask the hard questions, to “read my own words back to me and . . . (stand) in the silence till I somehow (I have) to respond.” I need people to remind me of the promises I have made to my God. I need people to read back my words of commitment, of love, back when things seemed so clear. I need to, when I stray, have a gentle (or maybe not-so-gentle) reminder of my baptism.

Times have changed. I have straightened some things out, and the threat of divorce is not quite as imminent as it was a few weeks ago. I am trying. I am committed to Christ, but the pains attached to that life and life in general are oftentimes so overwhelming, so intangible yet so cutting. I feel like I have lost who I am. But I am trying to get back on track, and I feel empowered and supported by so many. Thanks.

So this is really a post of hope, and of thanks, and of a request for help. Things are better. I am determined to make them better. But I need your help to keep me accountable to who I was, who I am, and to my words of commitment to my faith which I expressed in more clearer times than these.

Thank you for your friendship, support, and challenge. You are all very important to me.
B