Monday, November 07, 2005

bleed

So yesterday i was walking down to the wuzzles' apartment on edmonton, and then i walked over broadway and looked down, and saw that there was this penny on the road. Not very cool, i know, but the penny had been driven over so many times that it ceased to be just a penny, and it was now part of the road. they were literally inseperable, and over time had become meshed into one identity. But two distinct parts. And I pondered and pondered and thought about how great of a sermon illustration that would be and how cool it was on Broadway, and then i remembered . . . oh, yeah . . . i don't preach anymore 'cause i got kicked out of my church.

crash. again.

It's really a surreal and interesting phenomena, to be kicked out of a church. And it was a bit obscene that it was done so callously, so subtly, and so quietly. and it is a bit appalling and confusing and interesting that it was not for anything that I had done. I wasn't kicked out becasue i killed somebody or becasue I went stripping at a club or anything, but because I had faith. Faith that God could break out of a simple book. Faith that God loves babies.

And it is strange how differently i approach this on different days. some days i wear it as a sordid badge of honor. the shock value of saying, "yeah. i got kicked out of my last church." is worth a little bit of social intrigue. And there are times where I get more than a little bit of a smirk knowing that the entire church shut down once i was shut out, and i feel a bit prideful when i pull the "it couldn't last without me" lie on myself. but i know better.

Some days its like that. But not most. Most days it simply cuts inside my heart like a newly sharpened butter knife - dull, but quite painful. Really, you would think that if there were ever one place in this world that you should be safe from being kicked out of, it would be church. You would think that it would be the greatest sanctuary that ever was, and you would think that you would be safe within its walls. But that's not quite how it turns out all of the time. So I am left homeless. Kicked down and ignored into a state of oblivion. And the most tangible response i have received was, "we are so glad that everybody has settled down into other churches." Once again I am invisible. What does this mean? That I am simply not included in the term "everybody?" That I am too heathenistic to even be considered? That

forget it.

who am i? what has happened to me over this last year to make me so damned cynical and joyless? why have i allowed these circumstances to suck out my entire personality, having only an empty shell (gorgeous, though, i admit) of wasted gifts? my drive is gone, and my passion is gone. jamie's death has shaken me. cyril's accident has hurt me. my rejection by my community has murdered me.

i am not who i was, and i grieve the loss of that strong, godly woman.

2 comments:

JAnie & DAve said...

Hey Bre,

It's funny to hear you talk about shells. The other day I was hanging out with a shell. We went to a comic book/action figure show together, when noby else wanted to go with me. She was nice and supportive, yet witty and not afraid to pull a few punches when necessary. Then she came back over to our apartement, and she bought us dinner. But most importantly, that shell always helps pull me out of my shell, which I live in almost constantly due to my overarching fear of most social interactions. She helps me feel like the person I know I am, but have trouble being. I really love that shell. And I hope she loves herself too. Funny.
-D

Anonymous said...

Bre,

although a stranger to you, I would like to offer some words of encouragement. There's no way for me to know all of the information and happenings that precipitated you being asked to leave your church.
God knows you, and He knows where He wants you to be, and if He wants you and your insights and humor and wisdom somewhere else, go with Him.
He will fill your finite shell with the infinate - infinate joy, infinate love, infinate laughter. Tap into that & you will find yourself - the infinate Bre. The one that is the penny separate and distinct from the pavement, but forever connected to the infinate.

a former manitoban