to boldly go where no bre has gone before

Real power is usually unspectacular, a simple setting aside of fear that allows the free flow of love. But it changes everything. - Martha Beck


there are lots of changes and challenges coming in my life! this quote means a lot to me today.
b

True Dat.

When you take the life of someone to eat or otherwise use so you can survive, you become responsible for the survival - and dignity - of that other's community. If I eat a salmon . . . I pledge myself to ensuring that his particular run of salmon continues, and that this particular river of which the salmon are a part of thrives. If I cut a tree, I make the same pledge to the larger community of which it's a part. When I eat beef - or for that matter carrots - I pledge to eradicate factory farming. - Derrick Jensen

pray

"Pray with your legs." - Will Braun


i love this.
may i add?
pray with your spirit, your body. pray with your bike. pray with your hands, your soul. pray with colors. pray with diversity. pray with sticks and stones and peaceful gestures. pray with grace. pray with your computer, your pen, your mind. pray with your ears. pray with your music. pray with your integrity. pray for your nose, your eyes, your tongue. pray with the snow.

any more?

i don't know how to garden. but anyway.

I want to practice nonviolence. I want to practice joy. I want to learn from my enemies, even if all I learn is not to be like them. I want to get the last word. I want to do a little bit of everything, and when I'm not stirring some pot somewhere or creating some drama, then I want to be alone in my garden. - Donna Brazile

punch in the gut

If there is any definitive route to happiness, it is surely sense of place. - John Scoles


I feel somewhat homeless.

Proverbially speaking, of course. I am very privileged and blessed with a safe place to live. But I no longer feel the sense of place which I once felt.

Part of this is because my sense of place has been moved around from time to time, and because I don’t currently feel an anchor. At one time I felt wholly identified with Evangelicalism; within that body of people who understood God to be a certain way. Another time I felt anchored within the faith-based social justice movement, because God seemed more real and honest there than within the churches. I’ve tried other God-rooted groups. And Godly rooted relationships. Constantly looking for a home to rest in. These never seem to last, for one reason or another.

If I do have any true anchor, it is within Christ. But my understanding of who Christ is seems to shift so often. God’s bigness is difficult to work with. The more I know, the more I am convinced that I don’t know, the more intangible a relationship or a true understanding of the divine is.

Lately I feel like I have lost track of Christ. Like I have diverted my eyes for a second and Christ dissolved into the air, into the waters, into my skin. Which is cool, but frightening because it seems that Christ is so damned unknowable, so intangible, so frighteningly large and lovely and scary and I don’t know how to follow any longer because Christ is everywhere. Which is beautiful, but confusing, and I sort of long for the days where I felt so assured of heaven and hell and black and white and I knew the boundaries and where I fit in. I don’t know the boundaries anymore. And I definitely don’t know where I fit in anymore. And churches feel either exclusive and steeped in rules or inclusive and unanchored. And I love Anglicanism but I don’t think that it loves me. And I love the United Church but I don’t know how to do it – I don’t know the language and I don’t understand the discourse and I feel like an outsider looking into this wonderful group of graceful people. And I don’t know what to think about the atonement, or about communion, the sacrificial lamb story, the torn curtain, the mysterious parables, on and on and on.

I suspect this is good for me. But it feels like crap.

evil.

A child learns early there is a fashionable and an unfashionable in the world, an ugly and a pretty, a valued and an unvalued. Where this system comes from, God only knows, but it is rarely questioned, and though completely illogical and agreed upon by everyone as evil, it remains in play, commanding our emotions as a possession. It isn't something taught to us by our parents; it is something that comes naturally, as though a radioactive kind of tragedy happened, screwing up our souls. Adulterated or policed, the system can grow to something more civilized, but no less dominant as a drive of nature.
- Donald Miller, Searching for God Knows What

Lordey Lordey

Without community there is no liberation. - Audre Lorde

Deep.

Deep in the darkness is God.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

insecurities.

So I don’t have a rational thought pattern, but there are a lot of thoughts and feelings and overwhelming confusion going on in my brain today. So I’m just going to get it out. I can’t guarantee it will come out as sensical. These are basically the things I am thinking about.

I am pondering the role that anger has in forgiveness. I have recently been discovering that it might be an essential part of the forgiveness process. This seems crazy to me, and I am trying to figure this out. It might make more sense than I first considered.

As sure as I think I am about my authenticity in my faith and my relationships, I am constantly haunted by the question of whether I am actually full of crap. Is my faith simply a crutch? Do I believe in God only because the alternative is so terrifying? Is there any substance to my faith? Am I actually as honest with myself and others as I pretend to be? Does my sense of self worth rely on you liking me, and thinking me a good person? Do I have strength, or am I full of garbage? Do I have faith? Who am I fooling in this? You? Myself? I am sorry to both of you. I am trying as hard as I can. Or at least I think I am.

There are too many things on my plate right now. This is my fault, as always. I am scared because I don’t think I have the capabilities to complete all of these tasks. I am also scared of disappointing people who are relying on me. See above point.

I feel stuck. In so many ways.

At the same time these last few days I have felt very liberated. Very free, very powerful, and very lonely. Why do these always seem to come together? Though…

…I feel less liberated today, probably part of the regular ups and downs of moving towards a stable life again. Which is a good sign, I guess.

I want community. And I want to be happy where I am right here right now. And I want to know that I am surrounded by people who will stand beside me through hell and highwater. And moreso I want to be worthy of being stood beside. My friends are excellent. I suspect they would stand beside me during trying times, but I am too afraid to tell them what’s going on in fear of being walked away from. I want to trust my friends. I want to trust myself. I want to love like I’ve never been hurt. I want to sing like everyone is listening. And I want to trust God and dance again. But I feel glued to the floor.

And I’ve been going to counseling which has been really good for me. I’m a big believer. But find it difficult to ignore my deeper issues now, stupid counseling. Mostly my struggle with liking who I am and being able to see any beauty in who I am and what I do on a daily basis. That was hard to say. I feel naked now. Oh well. Its probably good for me. My struggle with self love and acceptance is compounded in places where I feel muzzled and unable to be myself, which is basically everywhere in my life, in different ways in different circumstances.

I want to find strength in God, in myself, and always work out of that. When I am able to work from that place, it feels magical, and I feel strong and I feel myself. But I am haunted by the fact that I lack the courage to do this everyday. I hide and I roleplay and I pretend and I play it safe. Because this world is so unsafe. How do I choose between my personal safety and my personal liberation? I feel stuck in a little box in most of my daily interactions. I hope to one day learn to work out of my liberation, and not out of my fear.

And I fear how lame this whole post sounds, and I am worried about whether I am trying to manipulate you, and whether I’m just using this blog as another crutch and a cry out for some sort of misguided juvenile need for attention.

But I am going to pretend that I’m not worried about that.

Ok, I feel better now.

shazaam

Talking about cultural assumptions, passion, and flexibility in the Bible upsets many people, for it feels like the edge of a slippery slope. How can we depend on the Bible, if it's not consistent? I answer that the Bible is consistent, but not mechanically, mathematically consistent. The Bible is consistent the way a human personality is consistent. A person is shaped by her experience, has different moods, and waffles on certain issues, yet if we know her well, we can usually anticipate her reactions. Once in a while, of course, she will surprise us - it's the surprises that keep friendship growing. In the same way the Bible, for all her variety, shows generally predictable patterns. She also surprises us once in a while - perhaps even in a verse we have studied many times before. Could we expect less from eh word of a living God? - Marti J. Steussy

hmmmmm

Biblical truth is not the unconditional truth of natural law, but a truth sensitive to the everchanging circumstances of human life (Note how the proclamations of condemnation and punishment in Jeremiah and Ezekiel change to consolation and comfort when Judah falls.) On the authority side, how do we square our image of the despotic lawgiver with a faith that proclaims God crucified, and whose chief apostle says, "all things are lawful" (1 Cor 6:12)? Marti J. Steussy

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. - Will Rogers

i'm trying, dammit.

'bout time i'm a radio star

So I was on Wooden Spoons this week, talking about the Kairos funding cut.

Click above, go to show "wooden spoons" and its the January 29th, 2010 edition.

It was fun, although I wish I didn't say "Um" so damn often.
Bre

CTRL Z

Check out this short movie, scored by local artist Cat Jahnke.

CTRL Z

guns and butter

“What would happen if we were to do away with our armed forces?
If that sounds foolish it’s probably because the idea of disarming would be as unwise today as it would have been in ancient Israel. It doesn’t make sense to lay down weapons in a world where God has often used them to protect His people.”

These words, from the 1997 edition of Our Daily Bread (yeah, I’m a bit behind in my reading . . . ) were jarring to me.
Perhaps because immediately after I read the first line, I was filled with a feeling of peace and excitement. What if we were to do away with our armed forces? What if everyone was to? What if there were no guns or projectile weapons? This sentence enabled me to envision a world which offered more peace to people than the world we live in today.

But then I read on. And apparently I am foolish, and am denying God’s blessing of violent weapons, as this article states.

I simply can’t find God within violent acts. Or violent weapons. Or violent toys, or violent words. I cannot reconcile the person of Jesus with my country’s commitment to violence overseas, and violence to its own people.

The idea of ancient Israel laying down its weapons doesn’t seem foolish to me. Instead, it seems radical. Loving. Countercultural and meaningful. It seems embracive of a different way of living, a way in which all God’s children are respected and nurtured.

Unwise? Most certainly. Radical? Yes. Affirming of God’s life, creation, peoples, words of peace? Most definitely.

___

God, you are the one who gave me life.
Why are we suffering?

- Lines of a hymn sung among the survivors of Haiti's earthquake while camped overnight in St. Pierre's Plaza, Port-au-Prince. (Source: McClatchy)

Shat.

Our real journey in life is interior: it is a matter of growth, deepening, and of an ever greater surrender to the creative action of love and grace in our hearts. - Thomas Merton

2010

HI MOM!

I’m glad you’re reading this.

Anyway . . .

A number of people have asked me if I am making any New Year’s resolutions for 2010. I guess I just might seem like the type to do so?

Well, I am. Sort of. But I normally make these resolutions around my birthday, which I find much more of a significant milestone.

On my 29th, I made a commitment to pursue 3 things this year: courage, movement, and self-love. I also forced my close friends to participate in a bizarre birthday ritual focusing on these 3 pursuits (thanks for doing that with me, friends). These three words are very powerful to me, and have been shaping my life and my everyday activities over the past 2 months.

What is good about new year’s is that it comes exactly 2 months after my birthday. It is an opportunity to remember the commitments I have made, to refocus and regroup. What I LOVE about New Year’s is that it always feels so fresh, so promising, like an opportunity to start anew. It reminds me of the resurrection of Christ, of being reborn, of all the promises in Paul’s letters about who we truly are in Christ. New Year’s reminds me that everyday I have the opportunity to start over, to start fresh and clean, to remember that I am clothed in Christ and that through Christ’s person and actions that I am made brand spanking new. The imagry of being clean is powerful to me today, and sort of makes me cry. I guess that’s connected to my need to work on self-love.

So New Year’s reminds me of who I am. And the commitment I have made to myself to keep exploring who I am, keep exploring Christ, and to try and hold true to all that I have learned in this life, and to hold true to who I understand myself and Christ to be. And it reminds me of the abundant grace that has been offered to me, the wonderful gift that I have and my ability to wake up every morning with a clean slate. To be reminded that I am a forgiven and renewed being, free from any blemish deadly enough to separate me from the Love of God. Also theoretically free from anything significant enough to separate me from loving myself. Which I guess is still a lesson I need to learn . . . .

Grace Grace Grace

christmas = anxiety

so i volunteered to put together some sort of service/ritual for our ever increasingly interfaith family - our traditional christmas eve service just isn't going to work anymore.

and i was excited about putting something together, something meaningful, which can really bring us all together in some sort of way. something short and special. mom's really into the idea, and is trusting me to put together something fantastic.

But my problem is that my brain is tired, and i am also nervous about putting my heart out there again, for fear that this whole thing will turn into a laughable chore.

faith discourse has been a tricky thing in our family the last few years; what i find most difficult about it is the lack of support which often creeps up for everybody's individual faith journeys. discourse often turns into debate turns into hurt feelings turns into further frustration. but at the same time it holds so much potential.

so i am hopeful about the potential of this little exercise, but also am aware of how my spirit might be crushed in this process. i would like to offer something as a gift, and fear that its just not going to fly or be respected. my stomach hurts.

anxiety. all over. we'll see how it goes i guess.
b

Painful Liberation

Well well.

Well.

Back from Thailand. As with many of these experiences, I am unsure what to say about it. Still processing a lot; still figuring things out. What happened out there? So much.

And who am i?

These last three years or so, and especially the last few months, have been a whirlwind of changes, non-stop, in almost every aspect of life. It feels like nothing is the same except for my parents, who offer me a wonderful and stable presence in my life.

But in the midst of such life rocking changes, it feels like I am trouble grasping any true sense of identity for myself. Who am i? what have I become? Why do I change so often? Is this a good thing? Or am I running from something?

It feels like every rock that I have rejoicefully identified myself with just a few years ago have been shattered. Sometimes sadly, sometimes joyfully and in a liberating way. My faith looks quite different than it did in my providence days; my view of ministry has been dramatically altered and the way I interact with my God has changed considerably. She has become more mystical and beautiful and more mysterious, but also more elusive at times; less tangible and more . . . bigger? My environment changes constantly, both with my living situation, and with my surroundings – lots of travel. Which is exciting but leaves me with the lack of a home to connect with and take refuge in. I feel like I have gained the world, but lost my home in this process. The career path I strongly identified with now holds little interest for me . . . and so on and so on with pivitol relationships, belongings, even the food that I eat. Everything has changed.

In Thailand we spoke a lot about identity, and how our identities intersect with systems of privilege and oppression. I wish we would have dwelled a bit more on how our identities impact us as people and as communities outside of these systems. Because I feel a bit lost, and yet found, and find myself looking for direction in what feels like a vast amount of empty space.

I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone but myself. I wonder and am haunted this week by how much I have changed, and sometimes I even wonder if I am on the right road. Much of my theology and lifestyle changes have been liberating, and have released me from a limiting box of social rules and a limited, black-and-white God. But each of these liberations have come with a certain amount of pain and with a prying away of something that was once really important to me. Painful liberation. On one hand I feel blessed to have had these experiences, but on the other I think it may have all happened too quickly; that within the span of 3 years God turned my world upside down in so many ways. Which I was excited about but am now crashing a bit because I feel a bit lost in the wilderness and unsure of who I am anymore.

Without a God of black and white rules, how am I to behave? Without rigid social norms, how do I know how to define myself? Without culturally-bound social values and constructs of gender, God, right, wrong, identity, spirituality, sexuality, music, prayer, dance, joy, peace, stability, who am I without these things?

Liberated. I guess. I know. I know these are good things. I know I am very thankful for my journey the past three years. I am thankful of who I have become. I just hope to some day figure out who that is. Because every day I feel like I am falling.