Monday, March 01, 2010

insecurities.

So I don’t have a rational thought pattern, but there are a lot of thoughts and feelings and overwhelming confusion going on in my brain today. So I’m just going to get it out. I can’t guarantee it will come out as sensical. These are basically the things I am thinking about.

I am pondering the role that anger has in forgiveness. I have recently been discovering that it might be an essential part of the forgiveness process. This seems crazy to me, and I am trying to figure this out. It might make more sense than I first considered.

As sure as I think I am about my authenticity in my faith and my relationships, I am constantly haunted by the question of whether I am actually full of crap. Is my faith simply a crutch? Do I believe in God only because the alternative is so terrifying? Is there any substance to my faith? Am I actually as honest with myself and others as I pretend to be? Does my sense of self worth rely on you liking me, and thinking me a good person? Do I have strength, or am I full of garbage? Do I have faith? Who am I fooling in this? You? Myself? I am sorry to both of you. I am trying as hard as I can. Or at least I think I am.

There are too many things on my plate right now. This is my fault, as always. I am scared because I don’t think I have the capabilities to complete all of these tasks. I am also scared of disappointing people who are relying on me. See above point.

I feel stuck. In so many ways.

At the same time these last few days I have felt very liberated. Very free, very powerful, and very lonely. Why do these always seem to come together? Though…

…I feel less liberated today, probably part of the regular ups and downs of moving towards a stable life again. Which is a good sign, I guess.

I want community. And I want to be happy where I am right here right now. And I want to know that I am surrounded by people who will stand beside me through hell and highwater. And moreso I want to be worthy of being stood beside. My friends are excellent. I suspect they would stand beside me during trying times, but I am too afraid to tell them what’s going on in fear of being walked away from. I want to trust my friends. I want to trust myself. I want to love like I’ve never been hurt. I want to sing like everyone is listening. And I want to trust God and dance again. But I feel glued to the floor.

And I’ve been going to counseling which has been really good for me. I’m a big believer. But find it difficult to ignore my deeper issues now, stupid counseling. Mostly my struggle with liking who I am and being able to see any beauty in who I am and what I do on a daily basis. That was hard to say. I feel naked now. Oh well. Its probably good for me. My struggle with self love and acceptance is compounded in places where I feel muzzled and unable to be myself, which is basically everywhere in my life, in different ways in different circumstances.

I want to find strength in God, in myself, and always work out of that. When I am able to work from that place, it feels magical, and I feel strong and I feel myself. But I am haunted by the fact that I lack the courage to do this everyday. I hide and I roleplay and I pretend and I play it safe. Because this world is so unsafe. How do I choose between my personal safety and my personal liberation? I feel stuck in a little box in most of my daily interactions. I hope to one day learn to work out of my liberation, and not out of my fear.

And I fear how lame this whole post sounds, and I am worried about whether I am trying to manipulate you, and whether I’m just using this blog as another crutch and a cry out for some sort of misguided juvenile need for attention.

But I am going to pretend that I’m not worried about that.

Ok, I feel better now.

5 comments:

alison said...

I feel very much the same. You're not alone. (And it's nice to know I'm not either). Blessings and peace to you during this time!

~ L ~ said...

I needed to hear this today, that I'm not the only one who feels like this. I see what I wish I could be in everyone else, and I can tell everyone else why they should love themselves (including you, I think you are one of the most courageous people I know) but I can't convince myself. I don't know myself well enough to know when I'm being real or phony, if I just want to be liked or if I'm being who I was made to be.
Your last paragraph describes how I feel every time I talk about myself. Right now I feel stupid for commenting about me instead of encouraging you. But I know I can't say anything to validate you, only God can do that.
Thanks for sharing, and remember by allowing yourself to be vulnerable and 'weak' you can lead the strong.
lots of love, Lori

Anonymous said...

thanks, Alison and Lori!
b

Sabrina said...

Love you.

Mary said...

Hey, my wonderful, adolescent, ancient, ageless, thought-ful and whimsical, full of contradictions yet steady as a rock friend. Reading your post is like looking in the mirror and seeing you!
Peace and Grace