yeah . . .

angst on a monday morning

so . . . day 12 of july. i am having feelings.

really conflicting ones - really hard to figure out. hard not to be frustrated and angry with myself for my seeming determination to always have such a damned complicated life.

really, everything is unfolding like a dream. my new job is fantastic, and allows me some time to chill and spend time alone and figure my stuff out this summer. i wouldn't want a better schedule. soon i will be leaving for a week to volunteer at a peace camp for youth, and in august mom and candy and i are taking a trip to moncton.

i guess i feel frustrated with myself because i always have this tendency to be so forward looking that i can never enjoy the moment that i am in. trying to be present is exhausting. i feel like i am always spending all of my attention trying to get somewhere else that i step on all of the roses which God is gifting to me today.

so this day seems so full of promise, but i know it will be somewhat full of angst. where do i find the balance between accepting and loving my neurosis and my drive to always move forward, to never be static, and finding contentment in today? how can i both love who i am and also try to learn about myself and be open to change? how can i both love who i am and who i will be at the same moment?

is this a stupid thing to feel angst about? anyway.

off to work! much love to y'all.
bre

shakespeare and star trek

hello friends
i don't have very profound things to say today. except that i feel really happy. i guess that's profound enough?

july marks a new season of life - a time of preparation! for exciting stuff come september

i started my new job today at CCEDNET and it felt super comfortable. this working part-time thing is pretty glorious. i am typing on my new laptop - have been saving up for this for like 5 years. have been using my new ipod - the tools on it are way more useful than i thought, and i am super enjoying how streamlined it has made a lot of things in life. i am really shocked at how much i use it for practical purposes (i am not so shocked about how much i use it to play tiki totems, but am working on cutting down . . . ). i am looking forward to 2 months of really intense self-exploration and all of the anger, joy, release that brings. maybe my expectations are a bit high for 2 months, but i am determined to work pretty damn hard at this. i think i might need to buy a new journal soon...

september starts anew with classes and my job at UNPAC - filled with lots of new challenges and lots of exciting people. i am looking forward to everything. this is a very new feeling for me! i want september to be a rebirth in all ways spiritual. i am working very hard to reach that goal!

here's to the undiscovered country . . . i'll keep you all updated!
bre

i haven't rambled lately . . . so here you go

Whirlwind

I pretty much live at the toronto airport

Have been there, or through there, 6 times within the past month, while gallivanting across Ontario

Anyway

I am reminded today

I am reminded of God, her graciousness, her beauty, and most of all, God’s promises. Faith is a powerful thing, and everytime I willingly step into it fantastic things happen. You would think I would remember this lesson, but I seem to have to often re-remind myself of Christ’s promises and continuous gift of grace. Stepping out in faith is so damned frightening – this invisible yet sturdy safety net

I have been finding much meaning lately in remembering, and in sitting in that remembrance, of who God is and who I am in Christ.

I have been thinking a lot about identity. Mostly because I feel I don’t have one – feel somewhat lost in some wilderness of my own making. Same story with me as always, I guess (am I stuck? Am I manifesting?). I think I find my footing and then it disappears and I remember again not to rely on things of this world (is this an actual lesson, or my counterphobic 6 paranoia creeping out again? I can’t actually tell. I understand this may not be super healthy . . . ). Anyway that probably didn’t make any sense

I quit my job. It was a frightening thing to do, but necessary. I think I was supposed to do that a long time ago but couldn’t find the courage. So I stepped out, and opportunities have been coming out of the woodwork to me in really humbling ways.

So I have a new job! Interim Coordinator of UNPAC, which is a women’s equality organizations, mostly focused on economic issues in Manitoba. How cool is that?

And some other opportunities have been pouring in

It is nice to feel so wanted, so affirmed in the work I do and who I am. I haven’t searched out any of these, once people found out that I am free they have been contacting me left and right. Really good for my sense of self-esteem.

I feel like life is shifting again and starting over . . . starting fresh! Super excited about that. Everything starts in September – pursuing full-time school again while balancing really meaningful employment which will make me excited. SO GOOD!

So this summer, this july and august I won’t have much on my agenda to do. Might pick up a part-time job . . . but most of it will be focused on me. (selfish much?) really. This seems like such a spiritual opportunity to flush myself out, dig out my demons, remember who I am. I want to become comfortable with myself again, to look in the mirror and see myself the way my creator has made me to be. To stop being so damned self-deprecating and so pushed and pulled by external forces. I WANT TO BE A ROCK. Sexy, no? I am tired of being swayed back and forth, and of not remembering who I am and who god is.

So here’s to summer . . . it will involve a lot of journaling, a lot of writing, a lot of babies (not mine . . . but cute ones I am related to), a lot of my mother and a lot of soul-searching. I am so thankful to Christ for this opportunity for intense self-reflection and to resurrect, again, anew and fresh. To leave the past in the past, and to look towards a future of windy, scary, blessed, exciting roads!

I’ll let you know how it goes…
B

mm-hmmmm

I deny the resurrection of Christ every time I do not serve at the feet of the oppressed, each day that I turn my back on the poor; I deny the resurrection of Christ when I close my ears to the cries of the downtrodden and lend my support to an unjust and corrupt system." - Peter Rollins

a remembering

At the end of April 2009 I was a guest speaker at a Christian college in Kansas. In their chapel I spoke about gender issues within the Church, and the day after I gave a short sort of motivational talk to the group of senior women.

Cleaning my office last week, I came across my printout of that speech to those women. And I looked it over and it shocked me! There were so many things in there that I said, that I was so convinced of, which I seemed to completely forget about just a few days later when life threw me a curveball. May 2009 began a year of much hurt, struggle, and confusion including my own health problems, family member’s health problems, money issues, and other deeply significant changes. Everything seemed so out of my control and unfair. And confusing and angrifying (did I just make up that word?). I felt so powerless over everything and didn’t understand anything that was happening. I still don’t.

These are the words of wisdom that I had in April 2010 which I shared with those women:

(my grandiose life plan of marriage and cats and kids and ministry didn’t work out). Did I fail? It felt like it. It really did. I thought I messed up my life, in a way permanent and unfixable.
I didn’t fail. I have come to understand that these twists and turns of life, of God, were such blessings, even though I didn’t consider them such at that time. Life will never go exactly as planned. And, though that is hard and somewhat painful, if you come at it with an open heart and your eyes on Christ, you will discover that these twists and turns are actually invitations to an exciting, faith-filled, life of adventure and holy discomfort. Without these twists, I never would have discovered my deep gladness . . .

It is now May 2010, a significant time for me and a beginning of what I hope to be a newly re-birthed adventure. I look at these words and am stunned (primarily because they sound so ridiculous and cheesy), but also because whatever wisdom I had that day that I spoke of was quickly discarded in the midst of hardship. Strange and discouraging. But also helpful in that I remember that this, too, shall pass, and remember that grace abounds in this world. That today, though difficult, will look vastly different to me in a few years from now. Now I see only a dark piece of the whole; someday I will be able to see the entire painting.

What I need to do now is to believe that, when finished, this mysterious painting will turn out to be beautiful. Breathtaking. This is my struggle today. But when I look back at the lines drawn so far, they’re not all bad, and have a lot of promise. This gives me hope. My community gives me hope. Winnipeg gives me hope. On even the darkest of days there are gifts around me which lift up my spirit and make me smile.

I am thankful that there is always some form of tomorrow. Thanks be to God.
B

Student Christian Movement

Conference. Conference. Conference.

Happened.

Much happiness and liberation, tied with much sadness and challenge. This is my third SCM conference, and this seems to be the running theme throughout them all; they are always a time of significant life changes, new beginnings, and cutting endings.

I think I’ll focus on the joy and liberation. The challenge is too tricky to deal with via paper.

SCM is my family. These people are all so important to me. If I have a home it is with this community of people, these quintessential ragamuffins who are all so beautiful in their honesty and in our collective relative brokenness. Behold the bread and wine.

Part of my joy in this is my ability to serve in ways which I am unable to serve back in my real life. My church relations are so estranged and painful, and I have been kept out of full participation in my evangelical home for a number of reasons (mostly my GENDER, which pisses me off. Anyway . . . ). Being able to participate within worship by speaking, drumming, and administering communion was so healing for me. I felt supported, a vital part of a spiritual community, affirmed in my calling as a child of God and as a prophet of Christ. I gave and I received and I was healed and I had a part in healing others. ‘twas beautiful. And I feel hopeful about life and the church again for the first time in eons.

Sort of a spiritual refueling, a remembering of who I really am, who I really want to be, and a commitment to dealing with my oozing junk.

Feels good. Feels scary. Feels like myself again, or at least on the road back to engaging myself again.

Thanks be to God.

to boldly go where no bre has gone before

Real power is usually unspectacular, a simple setting aside of fear that allows the free flow of love. But it changes everything. - Martha Beck


there are lots of changes and challenges coming in my life! this quote means a lot to me today.
b

True Dat.

When you take the life of someone to eat or otherwise use so you can survive, you become responsible for the survival - and dignity - of that other's community. If I eat a salmon . . . I pledge myself to ensuring that his particular run of salmon continues, and that this particular river of which the salmon are a part of thrives. If I cut a tree, I make the same pledge to the larger community of which it's a part. When I eat beef - or for that matter carrots - I pledge to eradicate factory farming. - Derrick Jensen

pray

"Pray with your legs." - Will Braun


i love this.
may i add?
pray with your spirit, your body. pray with your bike. pray with your hands, your soul. pray with colors. pray with diversity. pray with sticks and stones and peaceful gestures. pray with grace. pray with your computer, your pen, your mind. pray with your ears. pray with your music. pray with your integrity. pray for your nose, your eyes, your tongue. pray with the snow.

any more?

i don't know how to garden. but anyway.

I want to practice nonviolence. I want to practice joy. I want to learn from my enemies, even if all I learn is not to be like them. I want to get the last word. I want to do a little bit of everything, and when I'm not stirring some pot somewhere or creating some drama, then I want to be alone in my garden. - Donna Brazile

punch in the gut

If there is any definitive route to happiness, it is surely sense of place. - John Scoles


I feel somewhat homeless.

Proverbially speaking, of course. I am very privileged and blessed with a safe place to live. But I no longer feel the sense of place which I once felt.

Part of this is because my sense of place has been moved around from time to time, and because I don’t currently feel an anchor. At one time I felt wholly identified with Evangelicalism; within that body of people who understood God to be a certain way. Another time I felt anchored within the faith-based social justice movement, because God seemed more real and honest there than within the churches. I’ve tried other God-rooted groups. And Godly rooted relationships. Constantly looking for a home to rest in. These never seem to last, for one reason or another.

If I do have any true anchor, it is within Christ. But my understanding of who Christ is seems to shift so often. God’s bigness is difficult to work with. The more I know, the more I am convinced that I don’t know, the more intangible a relationship or a true understanding of the divine is.

Lately I feel like I have lost track of Christ. Like I have diverted my eyes for a second and Christ dissolved into the air, into the waters, into my skin. Which is cool, but frightening because it seems that Christ is so damned unknowable, so intangible, so frighteningly large and lovely and scary and I don’t know how to follow any longer because Christ is everywhere. Which is beautiful, but confusing, and I sort of long for the days where I felt so assured of heaven and hell and black and white and I knew the boundaries and where I fit in. I don’t know the boundaries anymore. And I definitely don’t know where I fit in anymore. And churches feel either exclusive and steeped in rules or inclusive and unanchored. And I love Anglicanism but I don’t think that it loves me. And I love the United Church but I don’t know how to do it – I don’t know the language and I don’t understand the discourse and I feel like an outsider looking into this wonderful group of graceful people. And I don’t know what to think about the atonement, or about communion, the sacrificial lamb story, the torn curtain, the mysterious parables, on and on and on.

I suspect this is good for me. But it feels like crap.

evil.

A child learns early there is a fashionable and an unfashionable in the world, an ugly and a pretty, a valued and an unvalued. Where this system comes from, God only knows, but it is rarely questioned, and though completely illogical and agreed upon by everyone as evil, it remains in play, commanding our emotions as a possession. It isn't something taught to us by our parents; it is something that comes naturally, as though a radioactive kind of tragedy happened, screwing up our souls. Adulterated or policed, the system can grow to something more civilized, but no less dominant as a drive of nature.
- Donald Miller, Searching for God Knows What

Lordey Lordey

Without community there is no liberation. - Audre Lorde

Deep.

Deep in the darkness is God.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

insecurities.

So I don’t have a rational thought pattern, but there are a lot of thoughts and feelings and overwhelming confusion going on in my brain today. So I’m just going to get it out. I can’t guarantee it will come out as sensical. These are basically the things I am thinking about.

I am pondering the role that anger has in forgiveness. I have recently been discovering that it might be an essential part of the forgiveness process. This seems crazy to me, and I am trying to figure this out. It might make more sense than I first considered.

As sure as I think I am about my authenticity in my faith and my relationships, I am constantly haunted by the question of whether I am actually full of crap. Is my faith simply a crutch? Do I believe in God only because the alternative is so terrifying? Is there any substance to my faith? Am I actually as honest with myself and others as I pretend to be? Does my sense of self worth rely on you liking me, and thinking me a good person? Do I have strength, or am I full of garbage? Do I have faith? Who am I fooling in this? You? Myself? I am sorry to both of you. I am trying as hard as I can. Or at least I think I am.

There are too many things on my plate right now. This is my fault, as always. I am scared because I don’t think I have the capabilities to complete all of these tasks. I am also scared of disappointing people who are relying on me. See above point.

I feel stuck. In so many ways.

At the same time these last few days I have felt very liberated. Very free, very powerful, and very lonely. Why do these always seem to come together? Though…

…I feel less liberated today, probably part of the regular ups and downs of moving towards a stable life again. Which is a good sign, I guess.

I want community. And I want to be happy where I am right here right now. And I want to know that I am surrounded by people who will stand beside me through hell and highwater. And moreso I want to be worthy of being stood beside. My friends are excellent. I suspect they would stand beside me during trying times, but I am too afraid to tell them what’s going on in fear of being walked away from. I want to trust my friends. I want to trust myself. I want to love like I’ve never been hurt. I want to sing like everyone is listening. And I want to trust God and dance again. But I feel glued to the floor.

And I’ve been going to counseling which has been really good for me. I’m a big believer. But find it difficult to ignore my deeper issues now, stupid counseling. Mostly my struggle with liking who I am and being able to see any beauty in who I am and what I do on a daily basis. That was hard to say. I feel naked now. Oh well. Its probably good for me. My struggle with self love and acceptance is compounded in places where I feel muzzled and unable to be myself, which is basically everywhere in my life, in different ways in different circumstances.

I want to find strength in God, in myself, and always work out of that. When I am able to work from that place, it feels magical, and I feel strong and I feel myself. But I am haunted by the fact that I lack the courage to do this everyday. I hide and I roleplay and I pretend and I play it safe. Because this world is so unsafe. How do I choose between my personal safety and my personal liberation? I feel stuck in a little box in most of my daily interactions. I hope to one day learn to work out of my liberation, and not out of my fear.

And I fear how lame this whole post sounds, and I am worried about whether I am trying to manipulate you, and whether I’m just using this blog as another crutch and a cry out for some sort of misguided juvenile need for attention.

But I am going to pretend that I’m not worried about that.

Ok, I feel better now.

shazaam

Talking about cultural assumptions, passion, and flexibility in the Bible upsets many people, for it feels like the edge of a slippery slope. How can we depend on the Bible, if it's not consistent? I answer that the Bible is consistent, but not mechanically, mathematically consistent. The Bible is consistent the way a human personality is consistent. A person is shaped by her experience, has different moods, and waffles on certain issues, yet if we know her well, we can usually anticipate her reactions. Once in a while, of course, she will surprise us - it's the surprises that keep friendship growing. In the same way the Bible, for all her variety, shows generally predictable patterns. She also surprises us once in a while - perhaps even in a verse we have studied many times before. Could we expect less from eh word of a living God? - Marti J. Steussy

hmmmmm

Biblical truth is not the unconditional truth of natural law, but a truth sensitive to the everchanging circumstances of human life (Note how the proclamations of condemnation and punishment in Jeremiah and Ezekiel change to consolation and comfort when Judah falls.) On the authority side, how do we square our image of the despotic lawgiver with a faith that proclaims God crucified, and whose chief apostle says, "all things are lawful" (1 Cor 6:12)? Marti J. Steussy

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. - Will Rogers

i'm trying, dammit.

'bout time i'm a radio star

So I was on Wooden Spoons this week, talking about the Kairos funding cut.

Click above, go to show "wooden spoons" and its the January 29th, 2010 edition.

It was fun, although I wish I didn't say "Um" so damn often.
Bre