Monday, April 09, 2007

i fear i am losing credibility

Easter is cool.

Life is a funny beast.

i'm not quite sure how those two sentences are related, either.

back to the point: how many fresh starts can someone actually make? Is there a limit? is there a time where it just seems too silly to pick yourself up and try again?

I desire to declare another fresh start. Today. To let go of the past, to look forward to Christ and all which he has in store for me. To live with reckless abandonment, with dangerous wonder, and with RISK. To tell Satan to screw off with his negativity, with his alluring distractions, to grab hold of Christ's garments and REFUSE to let go.

Sounds dramatic.
And familiar, as I have said this before and always seem to end up in the exact same place.

It occurs to me that the Christian life is nothing but fresh starts. That we are told to pick up our cross and to follow Christ every day is significant - implying that this decision needs literally be made daily. The cross must be picked up everyday in a mindful and intentional manner. In the same way we are told to not look back on past mistakes or past sin, as we are cleansed from them and they have no hold on us anymore. I very much believe these two are related.

That being said, fresh starts are still hard to accomplish.

I have a hard time picking up my cross daily. For lots of different reasons - sometimes it is because there are more interesting things which seem to be calling me. Sometimes this whole Christian thing is too confusing or painful. Many times it is because I do not feel worthy or good enough to try this thing again today, as I have failed at it so many, many, many, MANY times. And sometimes it is because I simply don't want to.

But today is a new day. And I have decided to pick up my cross today. I don't know what tomorrow will bring - or even this afternoon or evening. I may fall, or drop it. In fact, you can count on it. But. I am convinced that the most important thing is what is happening at this very moment. That is all I can control right now. And right now, my eyes are upward, and my stance is firm. I will follow Christ. We'll see where he takes me.

6 comments:

Kara said...

you will be in my prayers dear friend.

Kendall & Sabrina said...

What encouraging words you lovely woman. I like you. Sometimes I think I hesitate to pick up my cross daily because I fear the inevitable dropping of that cross. What a fantastic reminder that each day is a fresh start. I guess God still loves me even if I'm not good at this whole Christian thing. Somehow that's so easy to forget.

Stephen said...

Interesting how you say losing credibility. In reality you just gained a ton. We all fail to pick up our crosses, at least you realized it and admitted it. Besides we only lose when we walk away from our cross.

Dave Colvinson said...

... and even when we walk away, there is still hope.

Hey Bre. It's cool, you're doing alright.

I had to carry my cross yesterday. Literally. It was big and heavy and the Chancel guild needed it moved to the back of the church for the Easter display. It was really kinda weird, but cool at the same time.
-Dave

Stephen said...

Well said Dave. I agree and wish I had included that in my post. Dang...

Mennonite_Pacifist said...

I'm all about telling Satan to back off... that adversary thing is really getting old and it tires me out... spiritually. Thanks for the honesty Bre...