Monday, February 06, 2006

don't read this

it is so much easier to go to work when it is light outside. i'm not sure why, but it just seems so cheery.

i had a good talk with a friend last week over some thai food (mmmm...thai food) which was great, but altogether made me feel like i was once again stuck right into the sink hole that i keep thinking i escaped. (it is haunting me probably as much as the bad grammer in the previous sentence is haunting Corrina, queen of the womb.) i CANNOT reconcile things. i cannot see a way out of this which keeps a personal God in the equation. I cannot watch a play such as Pentecostal Wisdonsin without losing faith in a God who claims to respond to our longings for him. i cannot ignore the freedom i have seen in people's lives once they have left Christianity. i cannot reconcile a personal god with the reality of this dark world.

strange that the car accident that i had last year is my best source of hope. even with the above, i cannot accept that the guy who dug us out, who took us to his church, who took care of us was there by chance. The only reason he was there was becuase of a fungal infection. Good story, which also raises good questions. I'll leave that one for later.

but it gives me hope.

organic food gives me hope, too. more on this later.

and good friends. a huge thanks to B.N. and his email. this gives me hope. that there are those like me who can search and wonder and cry but still, somehow, remain true to our God throughout it all. I hope i am doing that. God, I pray I am doing that.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

i read this.

we should go out sometime. really. like, soon. your thoughts really resonate with me right now.