mmmmmhmmmmm.

Time brings us wounds, but time also heals them. - Elana Dykewoman, Beyond the Pale

mondays in august

this is what excites me about life lately.
- simplifying my life
- cleaning my closet (literally, i mean)
- learning how to be a better cook
- only working 2 jobs
- making my apartment feel more home-like
- getting rid of most of my stuff (hello, kijiji)
- thinking forward of one day soon buying a house, maybe having a kid
- taking time to meditate and pray
- having weekends again
- AUTUMN
- paying off my car loan
- exploring, risking, trusting, loving

ok!
b

dramatic. but whatever.

I am not afraid . . . I was born to do this. -Joan of Arc

excellent.

How to be an anti-racist ally

From Academics of Colour in Dialogue.

thank god.

i work too much.

hello good friends

i've rewritten this post about three times now and whatever it says seems too silly, too perfunctory, too obscure to be useful.

blah

that's sort of how i'm feeling lately. too silly, too perfunctory, too obscure

21 days to freedom, when i'm done with working 60 hour weeks. maybe i'll feel like myself again.

an important reminder.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal.  Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness." -C.S. Lewis

i heart you all.

I have always known that at last I would take this road, but yesterday I did not know that it would be today. - Narihara

cartoons and truth. rock it, winnie.

When floating down a river, it's nice to have a friend. - Winnie the Pooh

mindpuke

my head is up down and all around this morning.

HAPPY MONDAY!

and by that i mean, what's going on in my brain? by that i mean why can't i encounter the divine in a real way? why do i always picture God as a crotchety old man with a big cane getting ready to hit me for all of the bad things i'm doing? what happened to my distinct and clear sense of liberation i used to walk around with not so long ago?

fear is pervasive.

i am wondering about my place in my faith, my christianity that has sustained me so long but has also left me with oh so many bruises. i was walking with my friend in ottawa a few weeks ago and we were talking and i said "well, when i was a christian . . . " and then we both stopped and looked at each other and were confused. she was like, "what?" and i was like, "what?" it was a confusing thing to hear from my mouth.

i feel i can't seem to find jesus anywhere anymore.

so what am i?

(please pardon the inherent patriarchal language . . . )

A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately at peace with himself.  What a man can be, he must be. – Abraham Maslow

Cliche. But true.

Not all who wander are lost. - Tolkien

i reserve the right to feel differently about this later

so.
i feel cosmically weary. i feel somewhat invisible. i feel sad that all of these people have left winnipeg. i feel i could sleep for a year and a half. i feel unready to leave my pyjamas. i feel wounded and hurt, deeply. i feel personally attacked, although i know i shouldn't take these things personally. i feel proud of our work. i feel inadequate. i feel so happy to have worked with these womyn. i feel frightened i'll never see them again. i feel the future is unknown. i feel like i didn't do enough. i feel i should have held everything together better. i feel really angry. i feel a lot of assumptions and lack of gracefulness has ruined my day. i feel i need to chill out for awhile.

just that sort of day

hello, m'lovelies!

here is some food for thought on this early monday morning;

"I've always wondered why blessings wore disguises.  If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked. - Sophia, Golden Girls

phony war

i really really really really like this article.

click here.

mmmaaaa

hello good friends

life changes fast.

on a totally other topic
i went to church yesterday. it was boring and fulfilling and significant and foreign-feeling and lovely.

i feel a turning.
just not sure where.
bre

whoa

some days, in order to feel anything at all, i need to visualize prying my heart open with a crowbar.
is this normal?
i am only 30 years old and already am finding it difficult to live with an open-heart. to not be shut down to new experiences, new relationships, new friendships, new possibilities.
i feel like every wound i've experienced results in a bandaid or a plastic board or a steel plate put around that part of my heart, shielding it from further hurt
this is . . . not good
it is sometimes a struggle to engage. it is sometimes hard to start the day anew with an intention of living openly, freely, with arms open to the gifts of the day and the gifts of Christ. It is sometimes difficult to engage and to feel things when i know the risks of being wounded again, by anything and anybody, friends, loves, coworkers, new jobs, puppies, mentors.
anyway
this is all sounding very dramatic
what i am saying is that i have the ability to completely shut off emotionally. and i find that sort of frightening.
b

falcons

everything feels upside down today
well, lately
the last 2 weeks or so

my lines of engagement are all blurry
unsure
my relationship with myself and my god is tepid at best
shut off
i find easter to be a painful place to sit

so many feelings flying in so many different places
it feels a bit out of control
also liberating
also terrifying
also very sad, mostly lonely

i guess what i am trying to say is,
damn,
i've got to pull myself together

thank god.

irresistable trust

it is an irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly
Arch put that as a comment on one of my below posts
i love that
i've learned long time ago not to blog about things like that
but . . . just wanted to point that out
thanks, Arch

by the way, who are you people out there? let's be family. or deconstruct hip-hop music. or something worthwhile. together.

i feel caught in this strange . . . tidal wave of change, liberation, oil of oregano. the future seems very bright, but very busy. as always i have having much difficulty finding a balance between work and volunteer and socialization and myself.

old news, really

there has been a shift; an odd, surprising shift which sort of just snuck out from my jeanette winterson-stocked bookshelf. i feel more comfortable in my skin than ever before. i feel . . . lovely, happy, grounded. busy as hell, and somewhat torturedly so. but am overwhelmed with the strength i find in my community, in my readings, in my faith. in my sense of self-love and a sort of egotistical adoration of my gifts and abilities and celebratory of whoever the hell i am.

i like it.

at my 30th birthday party a few months ago (hey, i am scoring grey hair now, that's cool, i earned it) my friend Julie asked me what advice i would give now, after ALL of these years of being alive and watching science fiction.

"Trust," i said, without even thinking about it. and then i was taken aback by that word that flew out of my mouth.

i really love being 30. it's not even that old. but i love having that experience, i love being familiar with mountains and valleys and plateaurs, i love knowing that all shall be well in the end, even if terrible challenges and sadness finds me on my journey. If I have any wisdom to give it is this. To trust, in who i am, in who God is, in that guiding hand which sort of drives me crazy and pushes me to new and exciting and frightening places.

all shall be well
all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well - Julian of Norwich

God, i love her.