my head is up down and all around this morning.
and by that i mean, what's going on in my brain? by that i mean why can't i encounter the divine in a real way? why do i always picture God as a crotchety old man with a big cane getting ready to hit me for all of the bad things i'm doing? what happened to my distinct and clear sense of liberation i used to walk around with not so long ago?
fear is pervasive.
i am wondering about my place in my faith, my christianity that has sustained me so long but has also left me with oh so many bruises. i was walking with my friend in ottawa a few weeks ago and we were talking and i said "well, when i was a christian . . . " and then we both stopped and looked at each other and were confused. she was like, "what?" and i was like, "what?" it was a confusing thing to hear from my mouth.
i feel i can't seem to find jesus anywhere anymore.