Monday, June 13, 2011


my head is up down and all around this morning.


and by that i mean, what's going on in my brain? by that i mean why can't i encounter the divine in a real way? why do i always picture God as a crotchety old man with a big cane getting ready to hit me for all of the bad things i'm doing? what happened to my distinct and clear sense of liberation i used to walk around with not so long ago?

fear is pervasive.

i am wondering about my place in my faith, my christianity that has sustained me so long but has also left me with oh so many bruises. i was walking with my friend in ottawa a few weeks ago and we were talking and i said "well, when i was a christian . . . " and then we both stopped and looked at each other and were confused. she was like, "what?" and i was like, "what?" it was a confusing thing to hear from my mouth.

i feel i can't seem to find jesus anywhere anymore.


Makettles said...

Been there! Stop looking!!!! Its like saying.. where is the air for me to breathe??? Its there just breathe..
Even when you deserve a cane :))
He just stays there by your side!

Brian Stevens said...

I don't know how much I can know about where you are having only read this post, but I feel like I should offer a word of encouragement. Even if you don't feel Jesus there anymore, he's still watching over you and wants you to keep searching for him, enlarging your desire for him, so he can later fill you with even more of his love...that you can then give freely to others.

Anna-Celestrya said...

I have been thinking about your post for over a week now. I have been struggling with my own faith. I too see a crotchety old man looking down at me with disdain. (He resembles a couple of the priests and deacons that were in my church and high school.)
When I was younger I took great comfort in my Christianity. The knowledge that I was given made my faith easy and routine. I brushed my teeth. I talked to God. Now as a young adult it’s different. As I have had the opportunity to learn my own culture and traditions my spirituality has grown. I’ve learned about the seven sacred teachings and gone to sweats. My perspective on Catholicism has changed. I think/hope for the better. It’s a good struggle but a hard sometimes scary and painful one. I’m no longer passive in my faith. But when I talk to Jesus I find myself calling him creator. I’m finding him in different new places. Smudging sweetgrass is as important to me as communion.
I’m sometimes uncertain of the church and the individuals who are in charge. As an institution run by people I question their morality and my reasons for continuing. That makes me question my faith but my mother reminded me at Easter that no matter what happens it’s still Jesus, he stays the same.
I don’t believe I have to pick between my Catholicism and my Aboriginal spirituality, to me they go together and are taking me to the same place.
I don’t think you need to worry that you lost Jesus. As a young person, with intelligent, creative, emotional thoughts, questioning yourself, your faith and the world is a good thing. It opens your spirit up to a new mature way to connect with Jesus. (That is what I’ve been telling myself)
And after what we both went through last month, (a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual traumatic/awe-some experience) I don’t think it’s unusual to question your faith.
I wouldn’t have come to this thought process if you hadn’t blogged your own feelings. I was struggling in the aftermath but this helped me regain my feet. Thank you.
I want you to know that when you are doing what you do; working for equality, social justice, peace, and kindness for our community and in the women’s movement you bring Jesus into the room just by being who you are. It’s been a great comfort and strength to me to work alongside you.

karenreneeperez said...

I believe God is pleased with your struggling to be honest in your faith. You are growing past the acceptance of what once came so easily as a child, into a thinking adult.
Yet, part of your struggle with who God is probably from some wounding in your past. Growing up we use certain coping skills to deal with life, but when we grow older, God wants to unhinge us from our human ways of dealing with life and embrace us to lean on Him, trusting Him to sustain and guide.
Forgiveness is the way to getting there. Is there anyone in your past (probably a male figure) who was a "crotchety old man"-type? Did someone wrong you? Were you disappointed by him? Not fully accepted? Hurt? Unment expectations? These usually derail us from our intimacy with Jesus and the Father.
I agree with Makettles in that He is there. Now. Here with you. Breathe Him in, but also ask him to put His finger on the roots, the hurts that are causing your to judge Him or feel judged by Him. God is Love. He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.

Lioness of God said...

If you want to talk, my email is I'd love to help you <3

Sabrina said...

I love your honest heart, Bre. I really think the wrestling is valuable, and applaud you for still trying to sort things out with you and Jesus and what that looks like in your life.

Even in your doubt and uncertainty, I am encouraged by your questions. Have no answers or wisdom to share. Just love.

Silvia Parque said...

"Your own personal Jesus, someone to hear your prayers, someone who cares [...] someone who's there. Feeling unknown and you're all alone, flesh and bone [...]" Leonard Cohen