It is becoming increasingly obvious that i have no idea how to approach life.
I keep having this haunting feeling that everything i am doing i am doing wrong. i am trying to find strength in being myself but seem to always screw that up. i feel paranoid. when i speak from a place of vulnerability i feel childless and stupid. when i speak from a place of strength i feel i am putting up walls and barriers to people. i am very aware of when i am trying to impress people and i HATE that. but do it all of the time. i have been super judgmental of others lately and like to belittle and feel superior. that sucks. and is because i feel so inadequate lately in all of my tasks and jobs. i love being dramatic for attention but hate that i resort to that garbage just to feel good about who i am.
it feels like everything i do i regret or second guess. i should have tweaked that grant proposal. i should have taken the earlier bus. i should have not said that. i should have said that. i should have worn those pants. stupid stupid stupid things.
i am mad and tired of this circle. is this a common thing? do you get caught in this trap?
maybe its because my life feels so out of control. maybe its because i work 12 hour days. its probably because i have a million commitments and am terrified of dropping the ball and disappointing people.
ya thats it.
how do you find your core? and when you find it how do you stay there? and when you stay there how can you be comfortable with yourself?