Tuesday, February 01, 2011

this makes no sense

It is becoming increasingly obvious that i have no idea how to approach life.

I keep having this haunting feeling that everything i am doing i am doing wrong. i am trying to find strength in being myself but seem to always screw that up. i feel paranoid. when i speak from a place of vulnerability i feel childless and stupid. when i speak from a place of strength i feel i am putting up walls and barriers to people. i am very aware of when i am trying to impress people and i HATE that. but do it all of the time. i have been super judgmental of others lately and like to belittle and feel superior. that sucks. and is because i feel so inadequate lately in all of my tasks and jobs. i love being dramatic for attention but hate that i resort to that garbage just to feel good about who i am.
it feels like everything i do i regret or second guess. i should have tweaked that grant proposal. i should have taken the earlier bus. i should have not said that. i should have said that. i should have worn those pants. stupid stupid stupid things.
i am mad and tired of this circle. is this a common thing? do you get caught in this trap?
maybe its because my life feels so out of control. maybe its because i work 12 hour days. its probably because i have a million commitments and am terrified of dropping the ball and disappointing people.
ya thats it.
how do you find your core? and when you find it how do you stay there? and when you stay there how can you be comfortable with yourself?
advice please.

5 comments:

Chris H said...

I could offer you advice, but I doubt you'd like it. Rarely do people like my advice.

Mostly, I think it's because I tend to be too blunt, and can come off sounding arrogant. It's not arrogance, though, nor callousness; just assurance.

Anyway, with that said, if you still want my advice, I'll offer it. If you'd rather not risk it, I won't take it personally.

RighteousRadio said...

grace to you my friend. and yes im still trying to apply it to myself. im too hard on myself. think too much of what others think of me. second guessing myself etc. no peace, no rest, and definitely no grace for myself.
i pray for grace, rest, laughter, and joy. silly eh?

ShimmerGirl said...

Just browsing and found your blog...

Watch the Movie " The Secret". You will find your answers! Best of luck to you! This has changed my life and way of thinking forever. You will be okay:) smile!

P.S. The book is really good as well:)

Anonymous said...

You don't know me and I actually stumbled on your blog by mistake. However, I would love you offer you a bit of advice. I find that when I get all caught up in issues like the ones you mentioned it is because I have lost perspective. I have turned inward and I am focusing on myself. The point of our lives should be serving others. When I lift my head and look at the world around me, I can no longer even recall the issues that once troubled me so. There is terrible suffering right outside our front door and when we can get over ourselves long enough to notice it, we should be driven to action. It is amazing how when you turn your attention to helping other people, it suddenly doesn't matter what pants you wore and the desire to impress people fades. In serving others you have impressed the only One who really matters.
I hope that helps!

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