ola. gracias.

so i just landed after a week's vacation. there is a definite change in me, i dreaded landing in winnipeg again. my to-do list is so very very long and i don't know if i will be able to tackle it.

it was so nice being unconnected from the world...no internet, no phone for a week. i felt disconnected, but still loved and supported by all of the fantastic people out there who know me.

'twas a very good feeling and i am already longing for this simplicity again

my soul longs for a simple life, one where everyday isn't full of undoable tasks and where rest is just as much of a priority as changing the world is

where i count my health and own fulfillment as important as my advocacy work

where i value a leisurely walk outside as much as i value marching in the streets

someday i will get there . . .
gotta get this guilt monkey off my back first though

jeanette winterson is my hero.

Atlas was afraid.  His future was at the ends of his fingers, and too heavy to be moved. - Weight, Jeanette Winterson

i want this.

Real power is usually unspectacular, a simple setting aside of fear that allows the free flow of love.  But it changes everything.  - Martha Beck

recent learnings

ok, wow.
well, a flurry of comments, not on the page but in my inbox. interesting. nobody wants to talk about love publicly?

so, let me expand on my post below for fear you'll think me a heartless woman

i do believe that love CAN. i think love CAN be transformative. that it can change lives, cross boundaries, unite people at our very cores. i believe that love can be the most powerful powerful thing in the entire world. i have experienced it.

what i no longer believe is this idea that love conquers all, or that love will always win in the end. yes i think it can and should. but often doesn't. fear is a more powerful motivator than love and often kicks love's ass. love is so powerful it is frightening.

love can only conquer all in the context of a committed choice to stand firm through the scaryness.

to recognize this power and this fear and choose to stay in one spot regardless.

anyway.

head purge

hello friends
my head is spinning with so many things! help me get them out. so here's my list for today.

moving - wow. everytime i move i feel so loved loved loved. so many people offering to help out doing really really terrible tasks like packing my crap, moving my crap, unpacking my crap, and then cleaning my bathroom. what the heck? friends are fantastic.

related...its sort of an emotional ride because it is easy to feel alone when you are unpartnered and doing something depressing like moving and feeling that the entire burden is on you. this is also how i feel about money issues and other things - like i can't share this burden with anybody else and carry it by myself. moving reminds me how NOT alone i am. that there are so many wonderful people waiting and ready and volunteering to chip in. i still get surprised. what? you want to come on a sunday afternoon and clean my bathroom? really?
it makes me realize i am not alone at all, and so very very fortunate. thank you for the reminder, friends!

the other day i told somebody that i didn't really believe in love. she almost fell off her chair, which was sort of funny, and then she was further disillusioned when another colleague agreed with me. that was sort of funny, but also sort of shocking to hear myself say it outloud. i think i need to figure this out maybe. is love a choice or a force?

check out geez magazine - this is one of my contracts! it's fun and weird and full of fantastic people. so i'll probably be mentioning it here once in awhile. as a refresher i also work here, and also as a research assistant for the UofM.

my bachelor apartment is so full of crap i literally have to walk over things to go to the bathroom and out the door. i had to pee sideways because there's a huge plastic box in front of the toilet. apparently i have a lot of useless crap. moving is a time to purge! makes me excited, but i probably should have done it long ago, or not let this accumulation happen at all. really, i don't need a ferengi head on my shelf. anybody want to take it off my hands?

ok i love you bye bye!

this makes no sense

It is becoming increasingly obvious that i have no idea how to approach life.

I keep having this haunting feeling that everything i am doing i am doing wrong. i am trying to find strength in being myself but seem to always screw that up. i feel paranoid. when i speak from a place of vulnerability i feel childless and stupid. when i speak from a place of strength i feel i am putting up walls and barriers to people. i am very aware of when i am trying to impress people and i HATE that. but do it all of the time. i have been super judgmental of others lately and like to belittle and feel superior. that sucks. and is because i feel so inadequate lately in all of my tasks and jobs. i love being dramatic for attention but hate that i resort to that garbage just to feel good about who i am.
it feels like everything i do i regret or second guess. i should have tweaked that grant proposal. i should have taken the earlier bus. i should have not said that. i should have said that. i should have worn those pants. stupid stupid stupid things.
i am mad and tired of this circle. is this a common thing? do you get caught in this trap?
maybe its because my life feels so out of control. maybe its because i work 12 hour days. its probably because i have a million commitments and am terrified of dropping the ball and disappointing people.
ya thats it.
how do you find your core? and when you find it how do you stay there? and when you stay there how can you be comfortable with yourself?
advice please.