Tuesday, December 07, 2010

pressure cooker

it is a tricky thing sometimes to know what to post and what not to post; which struggles should be dealt with alone and which should be dealt with in community.

i think i may need help on this one.

i want to talk about my greatest fears, my greatest hurts, my greatest embarrassments, my greatest joys. i want to live an unabashed open life and to be unapologetically myself, with both pride and humility in my character's strengths and flaws. i want to be able to lay my fears out and pretend that i don't struggle with them alone, that i don't try to hide them anymore but find strength in unmasking them within my daily actions and reactions. i want to be able to actually love my quirkiness as much as i pretend that i do. i want to embrace myself in a way which honours and adores the beauty within my soul and my struggles and my shortfallings.

i want to not sound crazy when thinking of you all reading this.

i miss the mark in so many things, in so many ways. i want so badly to stop feeling that i need to be perfect, to not feel that daily pressure to do everything in the exact right way. i want to know that the world won't crash if i make a mistake. i want to know that i am loveable just as i am.

i want the freedom to act thoughtlessly just for one moment without feeling guilty or fearful.

Breaking bad habits, bad thoughts. Slowly methodically painfully. one step at a time...

2 comments:

Lloyd said...

I really enjoyed reading the posts on your blog. I would like to invite you to come on over to my blog and check it out. God bless, Lloyd

Dorothea said...

The fact that you consciously struggle with these things, while it obviously feels unpleasant at times, is testament to the steps you're taking in the right direction. It's awful to feel that you have to be careful, good, right, pretty, perfect every moment of every day, and just accept those feelings as normal. Hating ourselves (if I may put it in the extreme) is, I think, a by-product of our brokenness. Loving ourselves enough to seek out and surround ourselves with a life-giving community, though... that is a product of the radical good at work in us and through us.