scattered like leaves in a beesnest

hello dear friends

it is a bleary-eyed monday morning.

i am going mental a bit. this schedule is ridiculous. every spare minute i have i run to one of my offices because i am consistently behind. i feel exhausted and lonely. i whimper a lot and am in need of lots of love.

but enough of me trying to get you to pity me. let's dig a bit deeper.

so i am turning 30 soon! crazy. a milestone i am looking forward to, except i was watching a tv show yesterday that promised me the second i turned 30 that both my eyes and breasts would immediately sag. we'll see i guess. perhaps some great before and after pictures are in order.

30 - is it a big deal or not? i find age to be is such an unhelpful measurement, in many ways. as a woman, it is mostly held against me - every minute longer i live i lose more social power. i was reading Gloria Steinem and she mentioned that woman often become feminists later in their lives because as they grow older they realize how sexist and unfair the world is to women, but they didn't notice the full effects because as young women they had the most social power they would ever have. They are desired physically, sexually, and are very desired as consumers. Steinem says that young women's worlds feel very equal to men, in the classroom and in the general world. it is not until we hold jobs, get traditional marriages, get older that we realize how patriarchal the world actually is, and every year lost some sort of our social power.

i think she's right.

but screw that. i want to embrace 30. i want to embrace wisdom; a new form of life. i want to embrace my life for what it is and how i have made it my own while i continually fight off this haunting feeling that i have failed because i am unmarried, still a student, and don't own a house. what is success? when i am healthy and clear headed i feel successful - i am following my understanding of who I am and who God is and try to honour those everyday in the ways i live. when i am unhealthy and exhausted (like . . . today) i feel a failure - in debt, unstable, and maybe making silly choices which won't help my future. how do you fight these haunting feelings? why is it that at every family gathering people are more concerned about whether i have a husband or a home, rather than what i am doing to make my life more meaningful? that pisses me off.

this has turned into a rant, when really it was meant to be a "hey, i am embracing life" sort of post. but such is my brain.

anyway, what i am saying is this;
damn, i'm glad to be who i am
damn, i'm tired of these social pressures
damn, i really need to work on that paper.

love to y'all
b

found?

hey y'all

happy monday morning
i feel so busy, so harried, that i am hardly in touch with myself or my feelings or who i am. yesterday i forced myself to sit and feel and process for about a half hour and it was frustrating because it seemed to barely scratch the surface of all that is irking me. some days i feel i don't even know who i am anymore; others i have a very precise picture and walk with that confidence. i guess this is normal in many ways, and part of the process of constantly growing and changing and walking anew.

i read my bible yesterday for the first time in eons. this hasn't been an intentional decision to not read it - more of a shift to only come at scripture when i have an open heart to hear what the words are saying, and not going through the motions. but i wonder if this lack of discipline, this lack of regular engagement, has to do with my feeling of not being grounded lately. not just with christian scripture, but with christianity in general; my feelings of estrangement and as if i have no place to actually belong. i feel i have lost a lot of grace with churches and denominations and instead of seeing good people and good intentions i see only hurtful structures and hurting people. neither of these views are exclusively true, and they need to both be held in the same hand to see a true picture. but i feel burned out, frustrated, hopeless that this large beast which i care so much about will one day be a truly inclusive and liberatory space for all to engage the divine.

i feel like a broken record, as i feel like my life is a broken record, keep around and around and back to the same problem and the same blog post.

i feel unsettled, unengaged, unprophetic, and uncalled. i feel a bit lost today.
b

truly ramblings

hello friends. enemies. comrades.

quick life update: I AM GOING MENTAL.

3 jobs - 2 classes - my plethora of volunteer commitments. not sure if i will last until december.

don't tell my bosses . . .

things are holding steady for now. the frustrating part today is that i seem to stress out because I KNOW that I will be stressed out in October. I am pre-stressing in anticipation of coming stress. isn't that stupid? right now i am holding steady and doing pretty well.

old patterns creeping in. not particularly healthy ones.

the process of growing and learning and changing seems so ridiculous to me sometimes. never-ending! always struggling in some form or another, wrestling with my angels or demons or myself. finding the right balance of self-love and motivation for self-betterment is sometimes tricky, especially when life seems so necessarily busy.

once i had thought i figured out the point of life. now i can't even REMEMBER what I thought it was - it was either so ridiculous or so elusive that I can't really recall it.

but i am sure it has something to do with the internet.

labour day

and nothing makes sense
life seems hazy and confused
every path impossible except for the one that i don't want
and where do we end? and where do we begin
and if i am growing and changing and not static
then how can i say with any certainty who i am at any given moment
what sort of butterfly am i
and why is this all so difficult

and fear lurks beyond every happy corner
risks in family dinnertimes and prolonged hugging
i don't know how tightly to hold onto these hopes

i don't know how tightly to hold onto these hopes.