bodeyes

"A lot of people resist transition and therefore never allow themselves to enjoy who they are. Embrace the change, no matter what it is; once you do, you can learn about the new world you're in and take advantage of it. You still bring to bear all your prior experience, but you're riding on another level. It's completely liberating." - Nikki Giovanni

so. i change a lot.
i try to live my life with a "no parking" attitude - always moving forward, always living and learning. I try to open myself to the power of God and the power of my community and relationships to keep poking me into a continually new creation, to keep learning and growing into my own skin.

with varying degrees of success, i guess.

and i love this way of living.

i don't ever want to sit still. i want to live and move in the Spirit; to follow Her where She leads. Into scary and wonderful places, into both joy and pain. life is not living if it doesn't include both of these.

but then there are times where i wonder if my carpe diem choice of lifestyle has more to do with running from myself than running towards something. that maybe i am not sitting still because i am afraid to. that maybe i have not come as far as i thought i did. and maybe if i sat down and stopped striving to move and change i could actually connect with who i am today and learn things from that person.

i have had a difficult time relaxing lately. even star trek dvds aren't helping. i am restless, my spirit is agitated, and i can't sit.

these last few months i have been both running from and connecting to my body. at the same time. which is tricky to do, but i have have figured out the awkward balance. i pay attention to my need to connect with my body, with my need for yoga and chi and healing. but am frightened of and avoid that quiet place which i used to love sitting in. in my tent in the early mornings, or in the corner of my office when my day got too ridiculous. wrapped in the arms of Christ.

i wonder where this new fear stems from.

perhaps from the fear of connecting to and having a relationship with my own slightly broken body. to admit my physical mortality. The last few years have been so focused on my spiritual being that i have been neglectful of my physical being. perhaps even my emotional being. to admit the limits of this body, and of my short lifetime on earth, smacks of ridiculousness, stemming from my evangelical upbringing. i was brought up to always look forward to heaven, to write off what happens on this earth. that was REALLY matters comes next.

so i have a strong concept of my spiritual being. i am connected to her and her strengths and her needs and her weaknesses and her need to be challenged, to be loved, to always be changing and growing.

and it seems strange that in such a time - a time where i have spent countless hours working and focusing on my body in many different ways than i ever have before, that i realize my emotional disconnectedness from its functionings and its non-functionings.

what place does my body have in my spirituality?
what place does my spirituality have in my body?
and how do the two fit together?

time for quiet. i guess.

The Peg. By Kelly Hughes.

Award-winning Winnipeg author . . . Chandra Mayor says Winnipeg is a real DIY city. And she's right. Winnipeg is the MacGyver of Canada. We're not drowning in endowments and corporate cash, so we make our own fun with a paper bag, an elastic, a few buttons and some pipecleaners. Mr. Dressup would be proud. And we should be proud too. We should hold our heads a little higher, and lose the loser mentality. We as a city can slough off our mantle of insecurity and self-loathing, without losing our soul or sense of humour. These things can go: Complaining, Second-guessing, Indecision, Jeanne's Cakes, Peter Nygard, Burton Cummings' mustache. These things can stay: Feistiness, Good Prices, Bad Jokes about the Weather, Gunn's applejacks, Richard Hurst's mustache. And maybe, just maybe, by the time Gail Asper's Canadian Museum for Human Rights is built, we'll be ready to be the next Bilbao, Spain.
-Kelly Hughes, Aqua Books

worth it.

Psalm 63

O God, you are my God;
I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in your sanctuary
and gazed upon your power and glory.
Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
how I praise you!
I will praise you as long as I live,
lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
You satisfy me more than the richest feast
I will praise you with songs of joy.
I lie awake thinking of you,
meditating on you through the night.
Because you are my helper,
I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you;
your strong right hand holds me securely.
But those plotting to destroy me will come to ruin.
They will go down into the depths of the earth.
They will die by the sword
and become the food of jackals.
But the king will rejoice in God.
All who trust in him will praise him,
while liars will be silenced.

hmmm

anonymous, geez, winter 2006
"our prosperity has not been sinful . . . but if it seperates us so much from the poor, how can we say it is a blessing from God?"

Super interesting. Is it possible that what we normally consider blessings to actually be curses, seperating us from richer blessings?

Hmm.

pain

anonymous, Geez, Winter 2006
The closer you are to pain is the closer you are to God. Instead of fixing people and cleaning up the cities, we should be seeking to celebrate the gifts of the people, find functional places for them in small communities, and continue to communiate to them their immediate and eternal importance as hosts of the spirit of love and agents of healing to others who have been hurt . . . we will not save people through words and sinners prayers, but through vibrant love.

love this.

On Sabbath: We can teach ourselves the art of prayerfully and re-creatively wasting time. Most of us are already able to waste considerable time joylessly and unintentionally . . . the deliberate wasting of time by doing nothing can be an important spiritual discipline, especially if it is done with joy and in the spirit of re-creation. We may feel guilty and definitley out of step since everyone else looks so purposeful and busy. Yet a little holy time-wasting can create a bit of a true sabbath . . . we can rejoice in God's gift of time as we slow down to savor it. -Margaret Guenther

rest.

Excessive busyness, particularly in the service of a good cause, is an effective way of hiding from God and from our own deepest self. -Margaret Guenther


Wow. That one cuts deep, yeah?

I think there is a lot of wisdom in this quote. I have found it to be very true in my own life. There was a time where I was so busy busy busy running around, doing ministry in the providence dorm and in my church plant and within my family and within my youth group that I never allowed time for self-reflection or for personal development. I once believed that this was the way to go; that we are called to lives of giving giving giving, working hard and looking forward to the next life for rest.

But I can’t do that anymore. And I don’t want to. It took so long to make the mental shift from considering time spent alone as being selfish to seeing time spent alone being vital to selflessness. That ministry is not something to give away, but to be and live and find joy and rest in. That my soul is just as valuable as the next, that I am not called to sacrificing myself and my health to the point where I am destroyed, that listening to God’s voice requires the life quietness which only true rest can bring.

But rest is difficult. Not only because my mind is haunted by the million of things that it seems I should be doing, but because it is difficult to sit. To be myself. To reflect on who I am and who God in in ways which are healthy and not self-condemning. The enjoyment you get from conversing with yourself is completely dependent on how much you like yourself as a person and as a spiritual being. Sitting by yourself when you feel comfortable in your own skin is torturous. And important. And may be the only place where you can experience true grace.

Random thoughts.

i guess i'm a communist.

When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist. -Dom Helder Camara

useless

hello reading public

i have a headache today.

ahhhhhh

anyway. thanks for reading. i don't have the ability to be either deep or clever right now.

Best,
Bre

Reality show in a landfill.

I don't know what to think about this one.
Bre

drama queen

A turning:

1. the act of a person or thing that turns.
2. an act of reversing position
3. the place or point at which anything bends or changes direction
4. an act of shaping or forming something
5. this past weekend


A decision to move forward with prayer and bold confidence. An act of faith, a careful consideration of Paul’s words, a difficult look into a mirror and a corresponding act of repentance and reunion with myself. A remembering. A new life, unfolding freshly daily. A choice to live in today, not within the past or the future. A re-entrance onto the dance floor. A breaking of chains. A beautiful and terrifying liberation. A questioning of my own strength and spirit. A reliance on grace to move forward.

Thank you.

At our best, we become Sabbath for one another. We are the emptiness, the day of rest. We become space, that our loved ones, the lost and sorrowful, may find rest in us.

- Wayne Muller

Really, I Don't Even Like this CD.

Listening to martin sexton and contemplating my existence.

I am ready for a change. I am itching for a change. My spirit is ready to go somewhere and to start fresh. To go back to school. To start fresh somewhere with a clean slate. To grab onto the calling I hear so clearly.

But I feel blocked. I am unsure how reckless to be in this life. Finances scare me. And moving scares me. And leaving my parents scares me. But staying here scares me, too, in terrifyingly different ways. And I am ready to move on – every part of me except for my bank account and my lack of safety net. And these are stupid reasons to stay somewhere.

And I question the wisdom of doing this in a time of immense change in my life. Of a time of vision shifting and uncertainties about things such as health and family ties. So much has changed in the last few months. My everyday life looks so different now and has such different cares and concerns. My daily routines are filled with foreign-feeling tasks and movements. Some comforting, most frightening. In many ways, I thrive on this.

There aren’t many things in this life that scare me. I have learned to see challenges as opportunities; to embrace discomfort and to stare the devil in the face when he knocks at my door. I have faced many challenges in my life and came through them, bruised but wiser and bigger and more thankful. I am Euphemia. I have learned my strength in these situations. I have learned of my capacity to love and to stand through hardship. But it seems that in matters of money (and spiders), I can’t seem to overcome my fears and I become paralyzed, unable to move or to take risks. Unwilling to let Christ do Her thing; always resisting the calling to step into the abyss of blessing and to simply trust.

I want to overcome my fears. To overcome myself. I want to be godly and thankful and beautiful and follow the Spirit without question and without hesitation. I want to give and be given to and learn and grow and experience and follow my calling with conviction and courage and grace. I want the courage and the voice to push the church into a more loving and diverse being. I want to change everyday. To be scared everyday, to walk in and with faith and love and mercy and grace. I want to live.

Maybe its time.

pacifist.

If we care about human life and about freedom, we must reject war, no matter what our political leaders tell us. War poisons our souls, kills the children of "the enemy,' and mutilates the bodies and minds of our own soldiers. -Howard Zinn

timely reposting

Give your sorrow all the space and shelter in yourself that is its due, for if everyone bears [their] grief honestly and courageously, the sorrow that now fills the world will abate. But if you do not clear a decent shelter for your sorrow, and instead reserve most of the space inside you for hatred and thoughts of revenge - from which new sorrorws will be born for others - then sorrow will never cease in this world and will multiply.
--Etty Hillesum
quoted in Marc Ellis, "Toward a Jewish Theology of Liberation"

dude.

In a culture obsessed with consumption, I believe fasting needs to be considered in terms of its inner dynamic: abstinence . . . . The purpose of abstinence is to learn rightly to enjoy God's gifts. We need disciplines of abstinence because we have come to relate to food, drink, sex, money, recognition, and many other things in life not as lovely gifts to be enjoyed in moderation and gratitude, but as objects of consumption to fill emotional voids. When what we consume is consuming us, and what we possess is possessing us, the only way back to health and balance is to refrain from using those things that have control over us.
-Marjorie J. Thompson

not a cry for help. just a hiccup.

ugh

confused

misdirected

not sure what to think

where am i?

blah.

Radical Evangelical with Strong Anglican Tendencies

There are so many layers to this story. So I’ll try to communicate them accurately . . .

Last week I had the pleasure and opportunity to attend the Kairos gathering – basically a gathering of Christians from around Canada to come together and talk about issues of Peace and Justice. As always in the justice world, there are many Anglicans, United Church people, Lutherans, Roman Catholics, etc., and very few from the Evangelical world. In fact, my presence was requested there because I attend a Mennonite church.

I have always been open about my faith and about my Evangelical perspective. There weren’t many of us – I met 3 others who would sort of fit into Evangelical-ish perspectives – this in a conference of about 400 people. Evangelicals, we have a lot of work to do in the social justice world.

I had many opportunities to speak and be heard throughout the conference, in a number of capacities. When asked what perspective I come from, I normally identify myself as a “radical Evangelical” – I find that language helpful, in that I am intentionally not allowing people to box me into a little category.

But inevitably it happens.

At the closing of the gathering, we participated in an Aboriginal hugging ceremony – this took over an hour as we were to hug everybody in the circle twice! There were still a number of people whom I didn’t meet yet at the time of the circle, so we all had our nametags on and sometimes it was more of a “good to meet you” than a “goodbye.”


A lady came to me in the circle and, while hugging, she noticed my nametag. “Bre. You’re the Fundamentalist. Should I be frightened?” She said this without a smile.

I was somewhat taken aback. I didn’t quite know what to say. “Don’t be frightened. I’m not a fundamentalist. I’m radical evangelical.”

“Which means what?” She asks. By this time we were about 4 people apart, as the hugging hasn’t stopped and now more people were being brought into our conversation. I had to think fast, as within seconds we would be out of earshot of each other.

“It means that I love Jesus. And I love diversity.”

We didn’t get to finish our conversation. But another one started with the next person I hugged. “And is Jesus ok with that?”

“Jesus loves diversity, too.” I said. And again the line moved on.

I wish I could have been more eloquent. I wish I could have been more prepared; I had assumed that my presence at the gathering, and at the Aboriginal ceremony, would have allowed people to presuppose my stance on the church and on my personal theology. But assuming is bad, so it turns out.

I wonder how many people during that gathering didn’t approach me, or didn’t speak to me because they had assumed that I was not a safe person to speak to, simply because of how I identified as an evangelical. This thought saddens my heart to a degree where I find it painful to speak about it.

I firmly believe in an evangelical faith which is inclusive and supportive of all cultures, all religions, and all ways of being and living. A faith and a church which breaks down walls instead of putting them up. A faith and a church with an open heart, which is committed and passionate about Jesus, scripture, and service from a standpoint of humility, grace, and anti-oppression. A church more concerned with Spirit than of rules of being. A church in love with the concepts of grace and mercy, of the mystical and the divine. A church which stands firm in our understanding of sin and the reality of the bodily resurrection, of culturally respectful and appropriate evangelism of biblical truths, and a church which exudes God’s love and intention for diversity in every way.

Poetry is Not a Luxury

I’ve been reading a lot of Audre Lorde lately. Her writings come up often in my courses, and my friends keep shoving wonderful books into my arms to read. She is fantastic.

Just going over a short essay she wrote back in 1977, and pondering . . .

The essay is called “Poetry is Not a Luxury.” Much of it can be summed up thusly (I love using the word “thusly.”)

“As we come more into touch with our own ancient, non-european consciousness of living as a situation to be experienced and interacted with, we learn more and more to cherish our feelings, and to respect those hidden sources of our power from where true knowledge and, therefore, lasting action comes . . . I believe that women carry within ourselves the possibility for fusion of these two approaches so necessary for survival, and we come closest to this combination in our poetry. I speak here of poetry as a revelatory distillation of experience . . . For women, then, poetry is not a luxury. It is a vital necessity of our existence . . . poetry is the way we help give name to the nameless so it can be thought. The farthest horizons of our hopes and fears are cobbled by our poems, carved from the rock experiences of our daily lives.”

My mom hates poetry. I struggle with poetry in the same way I struggle with the Bible – you often have to read it a million times over and really dig into the text to get what’s happening. Takes a lot of time to go over a short little piece, and I often feel I don’t have time to ponder a certain piece over and over and over again. My loss.

And isn’t that the point, really? Lorde points out the need to get in touch with our own ancient, culturally separated selves – to not be so obsessed with the physical and to focus on the spiritual. To cherish and experience and dance. It is within these careful, slow ponderings that we discover our power, our action, our very selves.

Poetry is not a luxury. But I treat it as such, as I often callously treat time with beloved family, friends. As I treat time alone or in meditation as luxuries and not necessities. Today I feel called to a deeper understanding of life – life which is thoughtful, careful, joyful and unhurried. Full of so many important things, truly important tasks and ponderings, that I need to bring myself to a place where, when I wake up in the morning, my schedule is empty enough to be able to fit them all in.