bodeyes

"A lot of people resist transition and therefore never allow themselves to enjoy who they are. Embrace the change, no matter what it is; once you do, you can learn about the new world you're in and take advantage of it. You still bring to bear all your prior experience, but you're riding on another level. It's completely liberating." - Nikki Giovanni

so. i change a lot.
i try to live my life with a "no parking" attitude - always moving forward, always living and learning. I try to open myself to the power of God and the power of my community and relationships to keep poking me into a continually new creation, to keep learning and growing into my own skin.

with varying degrees of success, i guess.

and i love this way of living.

i don't ever want to sit still. i want to live and move in the Spirit; to follow Her where She leads. Into scary and wonderful places, into both joy and pain. life is not living if it doesn't include both of these.

but then there are times where i wonder if my carpe diem choice of lifestyle has more to do with running from myself than running towards something. that maybe i am not sitting still because i am afraid to. that maybe i have not come as far as i thought i did. and maybe if i sat down and stopped striving to move and change i could actually connect with who i am today and learn things from that person.

i have had a difficult time relaxing lately. even star trek dvds aren't helping. i am restless, my spirit is agitated, and i can't sit.

these last few months i have been both running from and connecting to my body. at the same time. which is tricky to do, but i have have figured out the awkward balance. i pay attention to my need to connect with my body, with my need for yoga and chi and healing. but am frightened of and avoid that quiet place which i used to love sitting in. in my tent in the early mornings, or in the corner of my office when my day got too ridiculous. wrapped in the arms of Christ.

i wonder where this new fear stems from.

perhaps from the fear of connecting to and having a relationship with my own slightly broken body. to admit my physical mortality. The last few years have been so focused on my spiritual being that i have been neglectful of my physical being. perhaps even my emotional being. to admit the limits of this body, and of my short lifetime on earth, smacks of ridiculousness, stemming from my evangelical upbringing. i was brought up to always look forward to heaven, to write off what happens on this earth. that was REALLY matters comes next.

so i have a strong concept of my spiritual being. i am connected to her and her strengths and her needs and her weaknesses and her need to be challenged, to be loved, to always be changing and growing.

and it seems strange that in such a time - a time where i have spent countless hours working and focusing on my body in many different ways than i ever have before, that i realize my emotional disconnectedness from its functionings and its non-functionings.

what place does my body have in my spirituality?
what place does my spirituality have in my body?
and how do the two fit together?

time for quiet. i guess.