too long . . . again

Hey y’all.

So I have anemia. Which is why I’ve been so sickly and tired lately. And sort of look like a vampire. But that should be fixed eventually when my red blood cells start to replenish.

It’s been an interesting summer. Sometimes I find that when you pray you get what you ask for, but you hate the results. But I guess that’s fair.

So some of you have regularly kept up with asking me how my summer experiment went – a few months ago I had posted that I was going to see if I could serve God by doing things which I enjoyed, and to not do “ministry” or other things merely because I thought I should.

That’s been good, let me tell you. There has been a few things which I was not able to let go of due to prior commitments. But in general my experience has been very positive. I have learned lots about myself and about my complexes (perhaps I should say, numerous complexes). This was a surprising learning. My intention was to learn about my actions and not necessary learn about myself.

I have learned, in a more concrete way, that I truly, deep down, consider myself to be the saviour of the universe. Likewise, I have learned that I truly, deep down, don’t consider my spiritual or emotional health to be as important as anybody else’s.

Neither of these are healthy.

First of all, I can’t save the world. My actions over the last few years, busy-fying myself to death, would seem to suggest that I am trying desperately to do just that. I need to learn to sit. Focus on where God has placed my hand and my heart, and do what I can where I am

Secondly, I am a hypocrite. It sounds all humble and selfless to consider others more important than me; to sacrifice my own emotional and spiritual health in order to give, give, give to others. But what this really boils down to is that I do not practice what I preach. If I try to drill the importance of self-care to others, and don’t focus on that myself, than something is wrong. It occurred to me one day that I really don’t think that I am worth the time to focus on myself. I don’t think it’s that I am trying to earn those heaven points by focusing on others; truly this is a result of myself not respecting or thinking my own spiritual or emotional health a valuable thing.

This is bad.

So I realized this. And then came a blood infection. I literally thought I was going crazy, being exhausted all of the time. But was diagnosed, and it makes a lot of sense.

My life in the last month has pretty much been working and sleeping. Which was fun and refreshing for a bit, but now is pretty boring. I have been forced to take my experiment to another step and have let go of many of my volunteer commitments and many extracurricular activities.

I had prayed that I would be able to find a way to simplify my life. And now it seems I am forced into this situation. Which sucks, but is really good at the same time. I guess I asked for it.

So I enter this new year (us academic working types consider September to be the main year milestone, not January) with a new outlook and new commitments. Please keep me to them.

1. I will limit myself to 2 ministries – the SCM and Faithworks. That is busy enough. And my involvement in these 2 ministries will be strictly limited to ways in which I feel passionate and excited about doing.

2. I will take the time to value myself as I value others. I will find hobbies and ways to strengthen my spiritual and emotional well being. This includes spending time with soul-giving friends (yes, you), and really taking hobbies seriously. This semester it is drumming and learning about Politics. That’s awesome. I will also spend intentional, not guiltified time feeding my spiritual life and continuing my dance with Christ in whichever way suits that particular day. Fun.

3. Things feel better in 3’s, but I honestly don’t have anything for this point. Perhaps I will commit to . . . oh, wait. I remember. I have also learned that I have a body. And that my body is intrically connected to my soul. So I will treat my body better and eat better as well as take the time to gym at least twice a week, starting in October.

So there we go. Sickness, sadness, but good things too.

Thanks for reading,Bre